The Zone

Welcome to the Friend Zone. You've undoubtedly heard of this place in obscure texts and the backrooms of bars, but I'm here to welcome you to the real thing. Within this you will find out how to tell if you're in the Friend Zone, what it means, and the permanent disarray your life will soon fall into.

First, before anything else, you must know whether or not you're in the Friend Zone. Do any of these phrases sound familiar (and you're not dating the person)? "I love you", "You're like a brother to me", "You're my best guy friend", or "Braid my hair"? If these sound familiar, welcome to the friend zone.

Now, we must define what it means to be in the Friend Zone. To be in the friend zone means you will have a lack of romantic relationships. This isn't a death sentence for your romance life, but it will probably mean you'll be without a woman until you're at least 65. But, most likely, you'll die without ever having gone out with a woman. You will, though, be the first one all of your girl friends (note the space) call or talk to when they have a problem or need some upliftment. Hopefully you enjoy listening about how some guy who is way worse than you is making out with the love of your life, because you'll be listening to that a lot.

How does one enter this perilous area of a inter-sex relationship? It most likely arises out of a crush you have on a woman. Don't feel too bad, women don't understand its impossible to be friends and not want to go out with them. They basically don't know any better.

But, how you let it go on for more than a month is completely your fault. You probably let your sense of humor, sensitivity, or lack of guts go on far too long. As soon as you entered that level of good friend, but not best (or one of the best) you should have taken the step to asking out your crush. Odds are, you probably stood a good chance of success.

Of course, dwelling on the past will not help you out of the Friend Zone. You must prepare to leave this crushing zone of life forever. Here you can either go for the one you love, or not repeat your mistakes and hope you recover from your lost love. But, lets try to get the one you want right now.

First, if you're somewhat physically unattractive, change your major flaws. Sometimes a simple shower helps (especially if you only take one every 4 days, in which case you should marvel that you have a friend). Sometimes simply changing your style helps. Other times, its actually changing your personal attributes. If this is the case, build up a good amount of capital, and change yourself using the assistance of a local plastic surgeon (or, if not in LA, a trip to LA and visit to a plastic surgeon). If you're fat, hit the gym (or see the previous advice...which is recommended above going to the gym, because women love when you change yourself with money and quick-fixes).

Lastly, you must change your personality. Just tone everything she likes down, and mimic her current (or past) boyfriend. This means stepping up the meanness, teasing, and, depending on the girl/woman, compliments. The last one is iffy, because not every female likes compliments. Just watch out for that one. But definitely step up on the negativity.

Well, thats it. If you're in the Friend Zone, you can hopefully get out. If you're not in it, don't get in it. If you do, a whole lot of clawing your way out of it lies ahead for you. Men, stay out of...The Friend Zone

The Life and Times of Jesus

God:

Son! Its time to get up! You've got People to save

Jesus:

Just 5 more minutes, Dad

God:

No, Jesus, now!

Jesus:

Fine, I'm goin', I'm goin'. So which people do I have to save?

God:

Oh, you know...all of them

Jesus:

What?! How am I supposed to save all of them...and why on Christmas?!

God:

Stop complaining. I swear, you kids today...I had to go down to earth as a fiery bush. You think I wanted to do that? No, of course not, you know how easily I sweat. But I did it. These kids [mumbles off]

Jesus:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine, I'll get dressed.

A little bit after the birth of mortal Jesus

Jesus:

Okay, Dad, you owe me. I'm down here and I just had to put up with the worst drummer in the world for about 3 hours straight. Ba-rum-bum-bum, over and over again. You'd think he could do another song, but does he? No, just ba-rum-bum-bum.

Years later, Jesus has grown up and is at a party (where the DJ plays something other than ba-rum-bum-bum as a beat)

Mary Magdalene:

C'mon, JC, let's get out on the dance floor!

Jesus:

No, Mary...I've got a very important role here. I serve the water. Now beat it, I've got a line of customers who's thirsts need quenching.

Mary Magdalene:

Fine! You're such a wallflower, JC!

[James cuts in front of Peter]

James:

Hey, man. Move it!

Peter:

I did move it. Right in front of you. Got a problem with that?

James:

Oh yeah? Well now I'm moving in front of you! [Pulls Peter behind him by shirt]

Peter:

HEY! [Shoving match ensues, during which the water gets knocked over]

Bystander:

There goes Jesus and his gang of hoodlums again

Jesus:

Oh, c'mon you guys! Look at what you did! Now how are people going to get a drink? [Fight stops]

James:

Aw cool out, JC. No one wanted your stupid water anyway. Everyones leaving for the Roman party. They have booze. Speaking of, I'm out of here. C'mon Petey!

Jesus:

You're not going anywhere. The Romans want to compete with the Chosen One's Chosen Party, huh? We'll see about that! [Snaps fingers and water turns to wine, DJ appears and a large lit menorah descends from the ceiling]

James:

Uh-oh! Now you've got the party started. Woot woot!

Peter:

[Runs out door] Hey, Judas, c'mon back, Jesus did some snappy thing with his fingers and now we've got a real party goin' on.

Jesus and the apostles finally leave the party at 1:30am.

Judas:

I'm hungry! Lets go get something to eat

Peter:

Yeah, except its 1:30 in the morning. Where are we going to go, you idiot? Think with your head, Judas

Judas:

I don't know where we can go, I'm just saying we should go somewhere

Peter:

And, again, I point out to you that even King Danny's is closed right now

James:

Its fine, its fine. We'll go on my boat and fish for some food.

Peter:

See, Judas, this is who you want to be like

Jesus:

Peter, shut up. Lets go get some fish [Jesus and apostles go to James' boat and head out to sea] Hey, Peter, come check this out! I think I got one [Peter walks over to Jesus]

Peter:

Really?!

Jesus:

No [Splashes Peter with water then runs on the boat to get away]

Peter:

Oh, you're gonna get it [Laughing, splashes water in Jesus' direction. Jesus runs around, but slips on some water and stumbles off of the boat into water]

Apostles:

Oh, crap!

Judas:

I knew we shouldn't be horse playing on the boat

Peter:

Shut up, Judas!

Jesus:

[Walks back on the boat, completely dry] Its fine, I'm fine. Take it easy...stupid devil water.

Judas:

B-but how did you...?

Jesus:

What? Did you guys think all I could do was get people plastered?

James:

Well, while you were out there, did you grab some fish for us to eat?

Apostles:

James!

Jesus:

No, James, while I was performing my miracle and trying to impress you guys by walking on water I guess I forgot to grab you some fish. Sorry

James:

I was just asking...Jesus!

Jesus:

Yeah?

James:

What? Oh, nothing...

Time passes and eventually Jesus gains in followers. He apparently has some message that hes now attached to his miracles. Now if he only played basketball he'd be a triple threat. This makes the Romans nervous, and eventually Jesus gets word of their plan to stop him.

Jesus:

So this is your big plan? Send your only begotten son out to get killed by these...these sinners?

God:

By you sacrificing yourself their sins will be atoned for

Jesus:

Why? You know they'll go right back to sinning. I mean, seriously, one of my own apostles ratted me out

God:

Well, yeah, he did. But he felt really bad about it

Jesus:

Oh yeah? Wow...that must be brutal. Does he want to join me?

God:

No, he's busy hanging around some olive tree

Jesus:

Psh...figures. I should have let Peter beat him up

God:

No, literally, hes hanging. He killed himself

Jesus:

Oh...y'know you could've told me that a little earlier. Now I feel like a jerk.

God:

Well...it was a jerky thing to say

Jesus:

Oh, is this how you want to send me off? Feeling like a jerk? Thanks, Dad!

Crucifixion goes ahead...even I'm not going to tackle that and make it funny...yet. Jesus is now in heaven with God 2000 years later

Jesus:

Dang it, everywhere I turn I see a cross

God:

Its a sign of the people's love for you.

Jesus:

Oh yeah. Because I really want to see a flipping cross. I mean, it brings back so many good memories for me. You know what? Eff 'em. You need he;p throwing down those dinosaur bones, Dad?*

*RIP Bill Hicks

I'd like to report a rise in crime

The wretched day has befallen us, citizens. We are about to see the largest crime hike of any day in the year. Proof that the youth is being corrupted.

Tonight is the night of being threatened and extorted. No, the mob has not disappeared from the racketeering scene, it has merely begun to go unnoticed. Rather than attacking businesses, they attack private homes. Rather than dressed in cool leather jackets with New York accents, they dawn the voice of children and wear masks so no one can know their true identity. The night I'm talking about, ladies and gentleman, is Halloween.

Yes, this supposed day of fun and laughter is nothing more than an elaborate extortion racket. Worse than big business, little children are indoctrinated and sent out by parents to give a victim an ultimatum: trick or treat. The not so vague statement lets the unsuspecting victim know the child's intentions: give me a treat, or you'll get a trick. The trick often comes in the worst form of crime, no less, vandalism of public property.

And to you parents out there, what kind of sick freaks are you? Is it that embarrassing to go buy candy yourself that you have to send your child out in a disguise to get some for you? Are these the values you want your children to learn? Give me what I want or suffer the consequences? In my view, the parents allowing this should be locked up or have their children taken away from them...permanently.

We must stop this perversion of our youth, America! I, for one, will stand up, hold my head high, and refuse to give candy to these misled youths who have been turned into cretins. I have no fear of the consequences. Sacrificing my morals would be the biggest consequence of any. I urge you to unite with me, faithful citizens, as we say to the children of this great nation "We will not be intimidated!"

A weak immune system: proof God hates you

From what I recall, Jesus never had a sick. Okay, sure God was okay with putting him on a crucifix, but even God knows being sick is something reserved for the people he can't stand. The worst people on God's green earth not only get sick, but get them after multiple vaccinations to protect against any sickness that may arise.

Yes, it appears there is no vaccination for God's divine plan of making your life miserable. Somewhere along the line, you screwed up. Maybe it was that evil eye you gave to the charming boy you sat next to in statistics class. Perhaps, just perhaps, its that you don't send letters. Or, maybe its any plethora of other reasons. The point is, God's ticked at you, and he will be for a very long time.

I can only imagine how the real guy John Travolta played in the hit TV film "Boy in the Plastic Bubble" made God mad. He probably gave his mom super bad morning sickness. Whatever the case may be, God obviously hated that kid.

It's simply a fact that a weak immune system means somewhere along your genetic line, God began to hate your family. But don't blame it all on genetics. Remember from science class kids: genes have both recessive and dominant sides, and you too can overcome your supposed imperfections if you get the right DNA make-up. So, since that is entirely possible, there is only one logical conclusion: God made you the way you are because you somehow made God very angry.

Now, I think it's important to define just what constitutes a weak immune system. If you get the flu, God probably doesn't hate you. If he does, it's on a very minimal scale. If you get the flu every year, however, even after vaccinations, God probably doesn't like you. Further, if you get some sort of major life-threatening disease more than once in 10 years, God probably doesn't like you (more than once in 5 years and you must be working for the devil).

But how do you know when God likes you, since all of us experience some sort of sickness in our lives, you ask? Well, it's very simple. If you've been blessed with a fever that makes you hallucinate, God loves you. He loves you enough to make you not only get out of school/work, forget your sick, but to also have a great time while being sick. Also, if you get to cough up big phlegm balls (instead of those annoying dry coughs) God probably loves you (He not only lets you literally spit out your sickness, but let's you have a "tasty" time doing so).

Remember, before you get a vaccine, you should really think about whether or not you'd like to know if God doesn't like you. If the answer is no, you wouldn't like to know, opt out of the vaccine and take your chances getting sick. At least that way you can blame it on a live set of bacterium. And now you know

Styrofoam: Material...or MONSTER?!?!

I've decided America needs to wage a new war, since the ones on drugs and terrorism have done so well. The new war should be against Styrofoam, the world's biggest danger.

The manufacture and sale of Styrofoam has been taken way too far. Everything comes packaged within Styrofoam. And what is there to do with this Styrofoam? The rock-hard porous substance is insusceptible to being broken down, unless you want to find asbestos-like particles in your living space for weeks to come. Even then, the material doesn't collapse, it just gets cut in half. I doubt even Stone Cold Steve Austin could make it collapse.

Further, it now seems like people wanting the destruction of the environment have slowed to a lull. They no longer have any drive to create a product many times worse for the environment, because this non-biodegradable super creation has caused them to take a multi-year pause of wonder and amazement. How are we supposed to better speed the second-coming of Jesus if we keep waiting for lowly Styrofoam to ruin the earth? Exactly.... I think Mr. Regan's former Secretary of Agriculture would be very upset with you non-working anti-environmentalists right now.

I'm also convinced that this stuff will be quite dangerous if a tornado or very strong gust of wind comes into Portland. With Styrofoam rock-hard makeup, it can easily rip through someones house, or even that very someone (or both). Picture this: you're walking around town, minding your own business, when all of a sudden you come up to the many dozens of Styrofoam plants that line the streets. All of a sudden a burst of wind comes through due to a low and high pressure system meeting and...BLAM! A 2 foot by 3-inch piece of Styrofoam hits you in the head, rendering you unconscious. See, these are the things people need to think about before they grab for those foam water cups.

Lastly, Styrofoam lacks pizazz. If I want something destroying my environment, I want it to at least have 3 colors of the rainbow involved in it. Or maybe a nice shade of brown.... The point is, I think God will be pretty upset if He finds out the His creation destroyed the environment with a piece of ugly, all too white piece of crap material like Styrofoam.

What to get that special girl in your life

Isn't it always a mystery to understand girls and to know what really attracts them? Now there is some trace of light in the path. New Scientist reports show that worthless gifts attract girls a lot and scientists have proved it using various mathematical modelling. So to attract girls, don't try to give them a gift that is "useful". Make sure its useless such as crabs from Seattle. What girl wouldnt love getting crabs from you?

You are not an inventor

Just because you come up with an idea does not mean you are an inventor. It means you have an idea. Congratulations, it's probably the first you've had in your life. But you're merely a person with an idea, and no more. Inventing means, you know, inventing something made of matter. An idea from thin air is not matter.

You're not an inventor, furthermore, if your idea has been being worked on for over a decade. If you hear about a new technology being worked on and say “I had that idea a long time ago!” that means you have no drive. Good job giving up on an innovative idea of your own. You should take the same approach to having kids (the last thing we need is another idiotic idea man).

And for those of you that put that dumb “Got an idea for an invention?” commercial on daytime TV I've got a new invention for you. It's called going out of business. I've seen that commercial since I was little. The same freaking commercial. Seriously, the well has run dry and there's no way people call you. If they do they should take their phone and wrap it around their neck. They, like your company, won't be missed.

Lastly, if you don't have a clue about the technology you want to use in your idea, don't think about becoming an inventor. Maybe you should focus on your great career as a fried food technician or professional window washer.

I'm not trying to tell you to give up your dreams. Well, unless they're unrealistic, then you should give up on them. I wouldn't tell a 300-pound man he could run a marathon, and I won't tell you you can be an inventor. Seriously...just stop saying you're an inventor...no one believes you.

Apollo and Yahweh BFF's part deux: The Break-up

Apollo,

I see you destroyed my one temple that people could visit. Not only that, but now I can't let them rebuild it until they conquer everything from Babylon to the Sinai. This is going to take forever to rebuild! I want my temple back! You Romans screwed me over, again. I'm proclaiming that one day you will worship my non-existent son and, most importantly, me. This isn't war, but just know I could defeat you if that did happen.

I suggest we settle my current anger, however, with a game of skee-ball. Winner take all. Plus, if I win I get your tickets. Oh, and when I get the Chinese finger trap, you won't get to use it with me. So, there! Yeah, what now sucka?!

The skee-ball master,

Yahweh

81 CE

Yahweh,

Not only do I accept your skee-ball challenge, but I guarantee a win for the Romans. You'll be as pathetic at skee-ball as your people are at spending money frivolously! The game is on, and victory shall be mine!

Peace up,

A-Town down

The concluding part of this important series of letters will be posted within two weeks time (we must translate the ancient aramaic and latin, which takes a lot of time)

How to become a good college student

This is a survival guide for students who don't know how to fit in within the college atmosphere. The proceeding guide will answer any difficult questions you may have.

The first thing you need to do is stop washing and cutting your hair. This is imperative, because as you enter the system of an adult world you must rebel against the laws of cleanliness which govern the world you're now a part of. It's also important, furthermore, that you wear clothes made from hemp rather than cotton because it's more...crappy.

If you're a woman you have an extra choice for your hair, however. You can cut it to be no longer than an inch at any spot. Any longer and you might be conforming, and college is all about doing what you want, like going to class and listening to a lecture for over an hour. You know, fun things like that.

You must also go out and grab a pack of cigarettes and smoke them everywhere you can. Remember, even though we share this world it is yours. If someone is standing in front of you when you need to exhale smoke, feel no pressure to hold it in. Just let it out, and let the smoke drift where it may. If the person doesn't like the smell of smoke they're just being selfish; they don't even bother to think about how much it bugs you, and you're around it all day.

Now you have class. The guide to surviving this is by asking pertinent questions. When a teacher assigns a reading response assignment you must ask what he wants, as if the title doesn't give it away. Also, during class time, you should ask the professor what his specialty is. This is important because no grade is guaranteed unless your nose is browner than tree bark. During discussions with classmates, further, you should correct the student when he/she is in fact right, as well as argue the issue at hand as if it actually matters to the world what you debate in your respective college's class.

Next comes the tough part, what to do between classes. Don't bother studying. Thats what sleeping time is for (the best study tip is to put the book on your head while you sleep so you can learn through osmosis). Instead of studying you should spend your time eating lunch, hanging around at the nearest park or outside gathering spot, and during either activity talking on your cell phone. You never know when you'll be able to again talk to the person you will see in your next class.

This concludes the survival guide to college. You will now do well at any urban or rural environment*

*Note: If at a rural environment your first priority is to party as much as possible without caring about your long-term or short-term health.

Apollo and Yahweh: BFFs

Apollo,

So, how are things over in your neck of the woods? I've been pretty busy. You see, I've got to lead an entire group of complainers out of an oppressive land. It's not the easiest thing to do when your people get gas from every imaginable food. I'm not sure why I made my people with such poor gastro-intestinal fortitude.

So, I heard through the god pipeline that you buried some of your people in volcanic ash. Very nifty. I hadn't quite thought of that one. I tried the water thing for the entire population. Talk about a mess. You can't even tell where my handy-work was on that one. Bodies decomposed quickly and the water simply evaporated and/or got absorbed back into the ground. Now my people don't even fear me. I bet your people aren't like that. They probably follow your rules. Mine barely remember Synagogue on Saturday, let alone keeping kosher. Your people walk around, see a bunch of people buried in ash and go; “Yeah, we better not f#$% with Apollo”.

Of course, what are they going to do, not have random sex in bath houses? Maybe that's why my people are a minority no matter where they go, I'm too strict. Maybe I should loosen up a little bit. Of course, Machiavelli will get it right one day, it's good to be feared and loved, but if all else fails, it's better to be feared.

Well, my old friend, it's time for me to go, I feel bloated. I look forward to your response, we've built up quite the rapport these last few centuries.

All the best,

Yahweh

79 CE

Yahweh,

We have built up quite the rapport. But don't get too touchy-feely, I'm not Zeus (I'm the god of the flaming sun, but I'm no flamer).

I'm not sure why you're people always get such bad gas. But, trust me, my people have noticed it. We go in to Judea to conquer your land and don't even get any resistance. Half of your people have upset stomachs and don't want to move, and the other half have a debilitating phobia of knives. Maybe in the future you can get them into some sort of specialist with matters of the mind.

My people do know not to mess with me. I make things happen. I'm not an armchair-God like you. I take charge. Free will is just a crazy myth to my people. They know the world is determined by two things: the gods and the army. Oh, and the emperor has some say too, but only until the army ousts him in a bloody coup.

You should really look into less repressive rules. I let my people indulge in all of the reckless behavior they desire. All I ask is they go to my temple. What's the worst that could happen, a minimal belief in the power of the gods that will lead to the downfall of paganism and the rise of monotheism? Highly unlikely.

I should let you know we've been having some problems with the Jews in some areas. We might have to destroy some things. No worries, though, we won't destroy much. I'll let you know how that goes in about two years or so.

I better get going now. Osiris wants to go play soccer. I hate playing with him though, he always throws sand in my eyes in order to score. Now that's a god who could use some commandments.

Regards,

'Pollo

79 CE

Part 2 from this enthralling seris next week!

No such thing as a kosher fruit snack...

So, I was watching the Food Network the other day and they have that "Unwrapped" show. If you don't know that's where they go behind the scenes of producing the foods you and I love. Anyways, before they cut to a commercial they showed a little fact thing (usually my favorite part of the show since, as you know, random facts are my favorite things in the world). Well, this random fact would bring my world crashing down. I read on there that gelatin is made with pig intestines. It went on to say that this also includes fruit snacks. Honestly, normally I wouldn't care, but now that I'm converting to Judaism this causes a problem. It turns out that my entire conversion process heretofore has been a sham. All because of my love for Minute Maid Fruit Snacks.

Now I find myself in quite the quandary. I love my fruit snacks. I almost love them more than God. So what am I to do? I mean, right now it's kind of okay, but once I convert I want to keep as kosher as possible. But can I break my addiction to fruit snacks? I'm not sure. I'm sure God has some quota that you can't go over for those things. But I'd hate to take the risk and get to heaven and find out I could've been way closer in the presence of God but I just had to eat 36,574 packages of fruit snacks when the maximum was 36,573.

You know, you christians have it easy. You get to eat whatever you want and not be filled with guilt for almost every one of your actions. So far I've had to switch hot dog brands, cut out everything to drink except for water and a very certain apple juice (which is fine, since I was already doing that...but still) and I've had to do as little on saturdays as possible. Oh, and let's not forget my conversion process is way more complex than any Christian conversion. I mean, I have to sit in front of a court for crying out loud. Lest we also forget I also am going to be learning a whole other language, one that has a completely different form of writing and very weird uses for the phlegm you and I usually waste. No wonder the Jewish population is only .02% of the world's population. Converting to this religion kind of blows.

Oh, and let's not forget how you LDS people have it easy. Your "promised land" is like, 1000 miles away. Mine is halfway around the world. Plus, if you want to go to a central temple you're more than welcome to go. Me? I get to go to a wall. Titus was a freaking jerk.

The good news: I think once I convert I'm going to have a B'nai Mitzvah. It's an adult bar mitzvah for people who've converted. I think I might get some major dough in that. If I do have a B'nai Mitzvah, you're invited to come and bring an envelope full of money for me to have and waste on things.

Oh, I'm done.

Stupid Mormons

So, I like how half of my friends are Mormon and I'll never see them again. Two have left for Utah, and I'll probably see them again, but who knows how weird that's going to be? Don't get me wrong, I'm still going, but they might be all...you know...Mormon-y then. lol.

The other half are going to leave on missions in a year or so. It's like Mormons have a destiny, and that destiny is to only be with other Mormons. Well, unless they go on missions to do...missionary stuff (I honestly don't know what missionaries go to do, though I think I know...something to do with the "c" word).

I also like how when I go to PSU I'm going to be surrounded by high school kids to the nth degree. Parties like never before, drugs like never before (especially at PSU). I mean, I'm not preachy or anything, but when most people only study or party, it's hard to really hang out with anyone (since I hate doing both of those things). I'll have to put out my LDS-dar or something to find new friends.

I would say I could hang out with Jewish kids. But, that doesn't seem plausible since most of them are Jewish in ethnicity only. On top of that, I checked the Hillel website...only 250 Jews on the entire 15000 student campus. B S.

Then again, I'm sure I won't have problems making friends, but what kinds of friends? My look brings the stoners and such, but my personality brings forth the nerds and goody-goodies. What's a complex man like me to do? Well, I'm sure I'll do fine, after all, I'm Garrett-freakin'-Estenson. Word, son.

Nike's new ad slogan: Be like Garrett

I've heard over and over again that I lead a boring life. Let me get this clear: my life is not boring. My life is just copacetic as it is, thank you very much. Through apathy, a bit of sarcasm, lethargy and blasphemy I've led a wonderful life. You can do it too, if you follow some of my daily routines.

The first thing I do when I get up is go back to sleep. Nothing says rebel like not waking up when you want to. Fight the power, even when you're the only power. Show yourself who's boss: the alter-you.

By the time you get up it'll usually be noon or later, so its time for a hearty noontime breakfast. Chicken tenders and french fries should do the trick. Some will say that you have enough time to do something else between this time, like wash clothes or clean the kitchen. These people are liars. The only thing you can accomplish between the time you put in your food and take it out is watching baseball or whatever is on espn and/or the History Channel. Once your food is finished, you should go and watch whatever you were watching while you drink some nicely bottled tap water.

It's now 2pm and time to take a shower. Take a rest, there's always 3pm.

At 3pm you realize you don't really plan on going anywhere, so you just figure a shower can wait until you can't stand yourself. During this entire time you've been learning and watching TV, something some generations can't comprehend. To those people I let them know our generation has cable, and with it we have C-Span and the History Channel. Life is good, and you can now learn innumerable amounts of useless information.

Now it's time to go on the internet and pirate some copyrighted materials. For this you use sophisticated websites and programs in an effort to get your favorite anti-establishment music (nothing says "Fight the power!" like Justin Timberlake). You should probably take a break after searching the entire world for music and movies, so take a nap, or read (which will lead to taking a nap).

After you get up or get done reading, you should write something. Nothing serious though, this isn't Schindler's List. Keep it light-hearted, remember that the key to living my life is that nothing is above a good (or bad) joke. Some will call you a sarcastic a**hole for what you say or write, those people are stupid and have no sense of humor. They'll die a horrible death and when they see God he will laugh in their face and pull a lever to Hell because they didn't laugh at your funny, though off-color, joke.

After you finish writing you should make dinner and watch some more TV. Nothing good will be on at 7, though I'm sure there's a re-run of something that you can try to memorize.

Throughout your day you should try, unsuccessfully, to talk or hang out with your friends. If you're able to get a hold of them, take mental notes on things you can joke about later or write down in your quote book. And by take mental notes I mean make fun of them for whatever stupid thing they say and then go home and write them down. Then wonder why people don't like hanging out with you, this will be a more difficult question for you to answer than the question about the meaning of life (for which you're pretty sure you have the answer).

During the last bit of your day you should study comedians. This is important; comedians are the modern day Moses' and Abrahams (i.e. prophets). Most of them have the key to your success if you really listen to them. (Warning: Only about 1/3 of the comedians are worth your time. Have fun figuring out which ones are worth it, hopefully you know how to use Wikipedia).

While you go to sleep you'll have the few serious thoughts of your day. After 14 hours of being up (you need all your beauty rest) your mind starts playing tricks on you, making you think about serious topics. Deal with it, because if you don't you might spend extra hours being awake, which in your life is never a good thing (sleeping-liness is next to Godliness, as the saying I just made up goes).

There you have it. Your own personal guide to being me. Get out there and try to be cool!

PS - In case you do get bored there is always aimless walking at night, listening to music in your parent's car, or looking at your awesome myspace page marvelling at how cool you are.

I think I should take up smoking

So I just read this. I've always known that people in the past sued for smoking-related illnesses, but now a judge is leading the door wide open for more people to sue from smoking-related illnesses.

I know the arguments against taking up such a habit. I might die, it's bad for you, it stinks, etc., etc. You know, the more you tell me not to do it and give me reasons, the more I wish you would shut up. If you don't tell me anything, and if I don't read the warning on packets, and if I never go to health classes and if I never watch a tv commercial I might be able to get some money.

Maybe I should also start smoking crack. I know it's not legal, but I will undoubtedly score big bucks when I sue my dealer. How was I supposed to know inhaling a drug into your blood stream was bad for you? It seems so harmless, and the only side-effects that I ever thought occured were ashiness and a slight twitch. Plus, if I can prove this whole Cocaine/CIA thing, I could make billions. Sure, I'll probably blow it on a crack party, but I'll have the best crack in the world for one night. It will be so worth it.

You know, I don't even necessarily have to go to drugs. If I eat enough food to have a heart attack by the time I'm 30 I can sue for that. How is a person supposed to know that when you can't get off a couch you should probably take it easy on ding-dongs? Okay, sure, I might have a little inclination that it isn't good for me when I get out of breath just bringing food to my mouth, but doesn't everybody have that happen?

The lack of personal responsibility in this country really inspires me. I think, in my biggest lawsuit case, I'm going to sue pen companies for not telling me I shouldn't see how far a pen can go into my eye. Afterwards you'll get, with each pen, a booklet of directions in every language imaginable (even though in America we only speak American and Mexican).

But not to worry, you too can get in on the action! Next time you unfold one of those huge warning booklets sue the company for causing the worst papercut you've ever had. Since we haven't had any anti-frivolous lawsuit laws pass in over a decade, you'll be guaranteed at least a million dollars (but be careful: if you die your life is only worth a little over $300,000 to the government).

So, c'mon people, let's make Ayn Rand's nightmare come true! And the next time your grandchildren come to your mansion, you too will be able to say: this is the house that one lung built.

Sacle bleu!

This just in: France won't send more troops to secure Lebanon. The current status of French troops as part of a UN peacekeeping force is to sit on the waters, eat cheese and shout orders to soldiers actually in harm's way (most likely Americans, British, and Poland or something).

I think this shows how much the French actually care about the status of people in foreign lands. After we go free oppressed citzens in Iraq and they give us crap for it, they, of course, refuse send more troops to help a war-torn region in an effort to keep the peace. This makes complete logical sense, since both attacking a country and saving it from an attack are the same thing.

But, the French military has more important things to do, obviously. They not only must prepare for a looming German invasion, during which they'll run into their impenetrable Maginot line (since it's not like Germany can go around a stationary limited firing range line of guns) but they must also keep Muslim girls from wearing headscarves. It must be so hard keeping a country safe from the influence of religion (by trying to ban it outright).

Yes, the French, giving you personal freedom by banning it and not protecting you from oppressive extremists. This, ladies and gentleman, is the quintessential modern liberal state.

Garrett reads the Torah: Genesis

I've decided to spare people the arduous task of reading the Torah, and eventually from reading the entire Tanakh. Here is a summary of Genesis:

God gets bored. God creates Earth as his own little ant farm, complete with miniature trees and cool burrows for his ants (Man). He creates all life in 6 days, gets tired, and keeps everybody up with his snoring.

Adam gets lonely and needs a little action. He gives up a rib to God so God can create Eve. Apparently God forgot to keep a carbon-copy of Man with him and needed a little DNA from Adam. God threatens death upon Adam and Eve if they eat from the knowledge tree. Apparently death didn't really bug Eve, since she talked with the serpent and ate from the freaking tree. What a n00b. God, always the softy, kicks Adam and Eve out of Eden, a utopia, for eating from the tree. Apparently the concept of lying to God to cover your butt wasn't around back then, because apparently God didn't know they ate from the tree until, on God's afternoon stroll through Eden, he came across Adam and Eve covered up and asked them why they had done so. Adam answered truthfully. They got kicked out. Pwned.

Cain, one of Adam's sons, gets jealous of his brother, Able, and kills him. He gets kicked out. How the human population survived is a mystery that has yet to be solved. They did have more kids, but how future generations didn't come out with hemophilia and extra limbs is a mystery.

People get a little unruly. God finds Noah, a righteous man, and tells him to build an ark and put two of everything on it. How he fit two of every animal into 300 cubits is another bible mystery. Apparently God's never been one for logical architecture. Noah doesn't even try to save human-kind, but just goes along and builds his ark. A flood comes and wipes everyone out. Noah sends a bird out, shoots him with a bb gun and if he hears a splash he knows it's not time to step out of the ark yet. Eventually a dove takes an olive branch, which gives Noah the opportunity for a direct head-shot. No splash, so everyone steps out of the ark.

After a prolonged genealogy explanation we find out that Man wants to build a tower into heaven. God likes his personal space, so he demolishes the tower with his transformer-like wrecking ball finger and separates people with nations and different languages.

Abraham is born. After some time of being just Abram, God promises to watch over Abraham and his people provided he gets circumcised. Abram doesn't quite get the easy life he might expect after such an event, but he does get a cooler name, Abraham.

God goes on a power trip and prepares to destroy two cities, Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham, unlike his predecessors, grows a spine when faced with large death tolls of his people. He argues with God, trying to get him to spare the city if there are 50 righteous, then 40, all the way down to 10. Didn't work out in the end, Lot and his family were it for the righteous. Goodbye Sodom and Gomorrah hello condos!

Now God says that Abraham must sacrifice his only son, Isaac, to prove his faithfulness. First, Isaac is an idiot, his dad said they were making a goat offering yet had no goat. You didn't recognize something was awry here, Isaac? After Abraham nearly throws his son onto the fire, God stops him and gives Abraham a goat instead. God gets a thank you from Abraham (for whatever reason), and Isaac gets a shopping spree at Toys R Us from Abraham provided Isaac never tells his mom what happened.

Isaac grows up, gets a hottie wife named Rebekah. She gives Isaac twins, but not before the Lord throws a wrench into the whole birthright deal and says the elder shall serve the younger. After a long hunting expedition, the eldest sells Jacob his birthright in order to stay alive. This says all kinds of things about Jacob, whom almost let his brother die in order to get some cattle from his dad Isaac. Jacob also gets his brother's blessing from his dying father. Jacob knows Isaac is pretty upset, so smartly he runs away.

Jacob has a dream at Beersheba and is promised land from God. Palestinians still have yet to receive this memo.

When Jacob sees Rachel, a hottie living in his new area, he offers to work for 7 years for her father in order to receive Rachel's hand in marriage. The guy, knowing Jacob is a border-hopping illegal immigrant, takes the offer but instead offers his eldest daughter instead. Jacob says he wants Rachel, then works for 7 more years in order to receive her hand in marriage. The sisters then fight for the most babies in the world, enlisting the services of their handmaids as the feud progresses. Jacob gets fed up and wants to leave, with payment for another 7 years of his work. He wants spotted and striped goats, but in a move of cunning Laban, for whom Jacob had been working, takes all of them. Jacob eventually cross-breeds better than a 16th century monk and gets the strongest goats as spotted and striped.

Jacob gets into a fight with an angel, and after being stabbed with the angel's switch blade, still wins. Jacob is re-named Israel, but the Torah continues to call him Jacob for quite some time. The angel goes back to pump some iron after losing to a mortal. The angel is also now known as Girly McAngel, and all the angels make fun of him.

Jacob goes to meet his brother, Esau, after being away for 20 years. Jacob gets word Esau is coming and splits up his wealth and family. He goes to meet Esau, ready to give him a gift and Esau hugs Jacob and refuses to take the gift. Jacob, always the pushier brother, makes Esau take the gift and join him in his quest to take over the world.

While this next part isn't super important, it's pretty cool. Dinah, one of Jacob's daughters gets raped by the prince of the Hivities, Shechem. Jacob agrees to make peace, provided they join Israel and all the men become circumcised. On the 3rd day of the male's recovery, the brothers of Dinah go into the city and slay all the men. No chosen people of God will be harlots. Jewish families represent!

Joseph, Rachel's eldest son, has a dream that all of his brothers and even his father will one day bow to him. The brothers take him for an idiot, since he's about 4th or 5th on the pecking order. The brothers conspire to kill Joseph, but decide they'd instead like to make some money, so they do the nobler deed and sell him into slavery.

Joseph, now a slave for Pharoah's officer, Potiphar, refuses to sleep with Potiphar's wife. Joseph was never really into powerful women anyways. The wife fakes an attack by Joseph after Joseph runs away like a girl and leaves his ripped clothes in Potiphar's wife's hands. Joseph is thrown into jail, but turns into the jailhouse snitch or something, since he gets a lot of power from the guards. He interprets some dreams for Pharoah's servants, now in jail, and when one gets out he tells Pharoah, after many years and once Pharoah has some crazy dreams, that this Hebrew guy he knows can help him out. Joseph predicts a famine in Egypt after 7 bountiful years and is made governor of Egypt, second only to Pharoah.

Joseph's brothers and father hear that Egypt has some food stored up because Egypt understands the concept of savings accounts. All but one brother, the youngest and Joseph's only fully blood-related brother, go down to Egypt to ask Joseph for food (not knowing that Joseph is Joseph). Joseph keeps them in the dark, takes one brother hostage so he can see his youngest brother, and puts them through some tests of morality. After he freaks his brothers out that he's going to kill his younger brother Benjamin, Joseph can keep a straight face no longer and yells, "Ahaha, you've been X-Punk'd!" They feast and are invited to stay in Egypt.

Jacob prepares for death and gives his sons, later known as the 12 tribes of Israel, some land. Of course no one is happy, and later in the Torah an arbitrator is called in to settle the dispute. It took a while, but most of it got worked out.

Joseph dies. No big story there, he just sort of keels over.

The real reasons behind my conversion

I've decided to write a blog that can hopefully more fully explain why I'm possibly converting to Judaism. This is a pretty big step in my life, so I'm taking it with the utmost seriousness.

First, I want to have a reason for why I think God hates me sometimes. As a Jew, I would be able to say it's not actual hate, it's that I'm one of God's chosen people. God gives the one he loves the hardest time out of the group. It's sort of like when you got those strange looks from your cousin (you know, the one from Arkansas). You knew, deep down, it wasn't that your cousin just wanted to have a good ol' southern time with his cousin; you knew you were his favorite cousin. It's definitely like that, except God wouldn't be from Arkansas...I think He's definitely from a more respected southern state, like the Florida panhandle.

Also, I'm thinking of converting because now, if I learn Hebrew, I can finally impress the ladies with a romantic language. Nothing says “Come hither” like hocking up a loogie when you say Chello. Plus, if I learn Hebrew, think of all the good use I could put it to; all the businessmen speak it. Not only that, but so many countries have it as their national language. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to a foreign country, or even a place within our own country and said to myself, “Man! If only I knew Hebrew, life would be so much easier!” I can't wait to interact with all these millions, maybe even billions, of people around the world.

Now, no conversion would be complete without stating the most obvious reason for conversion: the women. Just think, I can have my own Jewish woman. Someone to nag at me, to overly protect our child, and look hot while doing it. Yes, I'll have my own perfect woman, all because I converted to Judaism. If that's not incentive enough to convert to a religion I don't know what is.

So there you have it, my 3 main reasons for possibly converting to Judaism. I feel they're probably the most well thought out reasons for converting to any religion. I know you undoubtedly feel the same, which is why I feel comfortable sharing this with you.

Your career guide

I know there are many graduates and people in limbo about what careers they should have. In an effort to ease some fears, I have made a career guide for you based on your religion.

Catholic:

• Blue collar worker – Only applicable in the midwestern states of America

• Child molester – Years of seminary training and own parish required

• Child-bearer – For title you must have 4 kids or more

• Irish resistance fighter – Red hair and personal beer mug required

• Professional alcoholic – Irish preferred

• Crusader – Hatred of Islam required

Jew:

• Accountant

• Banker – Interest for gentiles only

• Doctor – Only available in California, Florida and New York

Mormon:

• Permanent missionary – Love of half-hearted letters and ability to indiscriminately spread religion to random people required

• Author of your own published journal – You could be the next Anne Frank, minus the oppression

• Genealogist – Six Degrees of Brigham Young

• Professional baby popper-outer

Muslim:

• Religious extremist – Ability to burn flags required

• Professional suicide bomber – One time only

• Oil tycoon – Must give back all fortunes to the West by buying European cars and Hollywood movies

Protestant:

• Televangelist – Must wrongly predict Armageddon at least once every 5 years

• Hate-monger – Hatred of Jews, Blacks, and Irish required. Love of Andrew Jackson preferred

• President – Must be white and Anglo-Saxon

Good morning viet-Lebanon!

Dear Hassan Nasrallah,

I've heard a lot about you on the news. I just wanted to let you know that you have my full support in what you're doing. I completely understand why you'd want more support and cooperation from the international community. Not only do you have the 4^th largest military in the Middle East, but you conduct yourselves with such class. Personally, I'm really surprised as to how your group hasn't gotten the respect it deserves yet.

I think the Jews should probably be wiped out of the earth, and Israel should just break off into the ocean. Trust me, as an American I get your point of view, sometimes I wish California would do the same. That's why I fully support Hezbollah's border raid into sovereign territory of a recognized country. I also understand why you took two of their soldiers captive; it worked so well for the Palestinians weeks earlier.

I'm just as shocked as you are that this extremely powerful military would attack you and attack buildings in which you disguise yourselves as civilians. I'm also shocked that they kill innocent civilians. Don't they get civilian shields aren't meant to be attacked, no matter how many of their innocent people you kill? It's pure bullocks if you ask me.

I will say one thing, though, you've definitely won the propaganda war. You keep addressing your fellow countrymen in such open forums. Not only do you tape interviews, but you make sure that no easily definable features are shown. Wow, you really do show great courage, and I'm sure your fellow citizens feel that you're right there with them, thousands of feet underground in a bunker.

Back to the war. Don't worry about running out of armaments for your troops. Iran and Syria will continue to provide you with their most premium weapons: missiles that lack any guidance what so ever. And don't worry about launching them, no one can see it anyways. I certainly hope this naval attack you talked about a week or two ago happens, I'd love to see the Hezbollah navy at work. Did you guys get the row boats with 2 oars or 4?

I certainly hope this unjust invasion by the Israelis is over soon. I'm still a little confused, though, do you think they're going to go for the prisoner exchange? Oh, you know they will, they're such wussies. Anyways, I just wanted to give you all my best and wish you good luck in your battle. I'll be sending American and Israeli flags in the next week along with some gasoline and some matches, happy burning!

Sincerely,

Garrett

PS – I love the beard look!

Prove me wrong

I've determined I might be unfit for a romantic relationship. I'm a little bit stubborn, sometimes easily upset, and I often joke, dare I say, too much. All in all, I think I might be too complex for any woman on this earth.

I recently took part in a free compatability profile on a dating site. Apparently a system based on 28 fundamentals on a good relationship don't work for me. I got done with this rigorous 1 hour time waster, and it came back that out of a membership of literally millions, there's no match for me that's even close. They didn't even say sign up and we'll help you out. The site said, at the end, sometimes this system just doesn't work for people. It went on to read, "So get your confounding, screwed-up, lonely self back to nights in at home watching C-Span, geek!"

But, it's not just that that has shown me I'm completely incompatible with someone. I had a chance with a great girl once. I wasn't in love or anything, but it could've gotten there, I'm sure. She was beautiful, great personality, fun to be around, sarcastic, didn't smell and could get in and out of her house without the use of a forklift; she was all a guy could ask for. My problem? Well, out of all the problems to have with someone, I determined she was too nice. Yes, it turns out I need a mean, bossy girl. But, in my incompatible world, she can't be too bossy. No, she has to be nice sometimes, bossy at others. This combined with the need for her to have great hair puts me at a disadvantage. You can have one or two of those things, but not all three. Of course, I need all 3 in a woman. I'm picky. Yes, I'm picky, in a sea that probably has 2 fish for my choosing.

That's not the worst, however. As I've stated previously, I'm quick to get upset. This is great when you're arguing with a customer service employee, since you'll probably get free crap, but horrible in relationships. I don't even give people a chance anymore. If the "perfect" woman even gives me the slightest bit of attitude I don't like I'd likely give her an emotional slap in the face and walk off (note: emotional slap in the face means I'd make her feel really bad, then walk away as the victim, not hitting her). Dr. Phil sometimes asks his guests if they'd rather be right or happy. If I were on his show, I'd say I'd rather be right, because I am, and just be sort of content. Apparently this isn't the attitude for a winning relationship.

So, there it is. Why I'll be alone for quite some time, if not forever. Oh well, at least I'm cooler than everyone else.

Ladies: How to know a man (in the non-biblical sense)

After careful thought and review, I've decided to post the weird things that guys do and think as a preliminary guide to clear up any questions

Men are inherently bad at keeping female friends as just friends. We suck at it. This isn't always driven by a sexual motive like some women might think. We're not beasts with a one-track mind for lustful pleasures. We want companionship. But, we figure if you look good, we might as well combine talking time with making out time. We like to work efficiently. It doesn't help that most guys only hang out with girls they think are attractive. I honestly have no explanation for this, but it seems to be the truth without fail. I think it has something to do with survival of the human species. Most friendships end with the opposite sex, however, after years of mixed signals from women. Examples of mixed signals might include: smiling, waving, saying hello extra cheerfully, talking to us about serious things, or breathing while around us.

Men also like to insult each other. It's how we show our love for one another. I'd never call someone I didn't like an idiot. Women, if a guy calls you a pathetic loser you might want to think about his true feelings for you. In guy talk that's one step away from "Marry me, please!" We do this with our guy friends as well. Almost every guy does this. Well, except for theatre kids, but ask the army about what kind of people are in community theatre. The only way for a man to show he respects you is to make you feel like garbage. It's the way the world operates because, in James Brown's words, "This is a man's world!"

Most guys also hate shopping just to shop. Very few of us go out just to browse and maybe buy something. A real man can be in and out of any mall in 10 minutes or less. We know what we want, we take it, and we get the heck out. I think this might be why women aren't allowed to serve combat duty; they care too much about shooting (i.e. buying) the right person. Men hate shopping because it takes too much time, and, in a perfect world, companies would make clothes that lasted forever so we didn't need to buy new crap. Besides, jeans and a t-shirt are all-purpose clothes.

This generation of males are also really into video games. We figure, if nothing else, we'll be able to upstage the previous generation in a thumb-wrestling match after all of our strenuous exercise. Plus, nothing says fun like having sex with a hooker, paying her, then beating her to death so you can get your money back. Stupid pro, dough is for Joe.

I'm sure there are many other things that men do that are "weird" to those of the fairer sex. If you'd like a set of specific questions answered, please let me know and I will make a part two addressing any questions/concerns/comments. Post a comment with them, message me, or e-mail me at free.utah@gmail.com

Water: Man's biggest addiction

It's 4 p.m. I look down at my table, 4 large bottles of water are before me, all empty. I get up. I go to the restroom. On my way back to the couch, I take a detour to the refrigerator to grab a bottle of water. It hits me: I'm addicted, and you are too. Yes, citizens of the United States, we're addicted to water, the oppressor of Man everywhere.

As we've sat back and let politicians and religious zealots make decisions about our alcohol consumption and dieticians tell us soda is bad for us, we've had a monster lurking amongst us. We all need it. We can't function without it. Our body craves it, our mind wants it, and we give in to the demon every so often. We drink it with meals now, we drink it from bottles filtered for purity or from faucets that give it a distinct metal taste. All the while we let it take over our lives; water is the real evil.

I looked up some diseases today. Malaria is brought forth from mosquitoes, an insect that without water would not be around. Dysentary is often brought on by drinking unclean water. Yet the people continue to drink it. We continue to drink it not because we like it, or because we think it's good for us, we drink it because we're addicted to it. All the while thousands, even millions die from bacterium and diseases caused directly or indirectly from water consumption.

Earlier this year I watched scenes from Lawrence of Arabia. You know why some people get killed in the middle east? It's not because of any sort of religious extremism or a crazy leader, it's because someone drank from another person's well. A poor civilian was killed because of his need for a water fix, and his killer was only happy to oblige in offering violence as a stranger stole from his "private stash".

And what about poor Lassie? Lassie almost lost her owner countless times, and her owner almost lost his friends countless times, all because of water. In an effort to get a cool refreshment, these poor children fell and got stuck in wells. But this is no Hollywood story. This happens every day, to children just like the ones you love. In an effort to cool down they reach into the belly of the beast, trying to get their first fix of water in a while, when they fall into a deep crevasse, never to be seen or heard again. You might see a rescue story on the news about such a child: they're the lucky ones, saved just before imminent doom. Most aren't so lucky.

I say, no more! We must fight back against the ills that water has brought forth unto our society, and the world as a whole. We must fight back. We must break the yoke of oppression! Boycott water, write letters to your congressman, and let the world know we will not take this oppression any longer! Faithful readers, we must unite, we must fight back, we must stop the madness!

Question of the Week 8-1-06

Question: Why do stupid and manipulative people get rewarded? (Submitted by one Shana Brown)

Answer:
Stupid people are rewarded simply because stupid people are awesome. Without stupid people, at whom would we laugh? I'll tell you who we'd laugh at: crippies. And no one really likes to laugh at people who can't walk, but when there's a lack of stupid people, where are we to go for giggles? By rewarding stupid people we breed more stupid people at which to laugh, thereby creating a cycle of stupid, with laughs being the payoff for the non-stupid people, money or other rewards for stupid people, and a lack of teasing for crippled people. It's what America runs upon, and I, for one, would like to see more stupid people. Yes, I would like to see more stupid people in America. We must reward more stupid people, so we can have more laughs! Smart people unite!

The answer to why we reward manipulative people is quite simple: they're manipulative. Meriam-Webster's online dictionary defines manipulative as such:

2 a : to manage or utilize skillfully b : to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage
3 : to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose

Now, anyone who can control and apply artful, unfair, or insidious means to one's own advantage must be pretty good at getting rewards. While these people often employ the worst terrorist tactics to get what they want, such as crying or hitting, said people are often rewarded after a while. I don't know about you, faithful reader, but I can only take so much of a kid holding their breath before I give in. I know they'll be able to breathe eventually, but they never get out of the way of the TV when they do this little trick. Sneaky little kids.

Any adult who is manipulative doesn't really matter, however. They often manipulate by sucking up and being jerks. While no one really minds a jerk, a jerk that is a suck-up is the worst. Even God hates them. While they often get their rewards, most people hate them and will eventually "accidentally" punch them in the face, and keep doing so for minutes on end. This is what we like to call ironic, since now we're manipulating a person to shut the crap up by punching them. What a vicious cycle life is.

Hopefully this answers your question Shana Brown. If not, I'll send you a free T-Shirt of...well something that has nothing to do with this site, since my graphic designer, uh, doesn't exist.

Just die already old people

So, I'm looking through the Washington Post online the other day and come across this article. I can't wait for this generation to die, I want my money! I'm going to be "rich biotch!" *honk honk*

I also can't wait for the old people to die off so we can have way less people clogging up America. This baby-boomer generation is going to make social security go bankrupt, so come on privatization. All I need is to compete with some 70+ year old woman trying to get my hands on some retirement money. Move out of my way old lady, money is in my future!

I will feel bad for the good folks at Geritol once the old people are gone, however. But, young people rejoice! Old person smell will officially be gone, until we're old of course. But I think we'll smell like roses, instead of like butt.

I really hope no one cures aging during my lifetime. All I need is a bunch of rich people living to be 700. Who do you think you are, Abraham? Shut up and die already.

To some this might sound harsh. Truth be told, I just want my money, alright? I can't wait for this transfer of wealth. I think I might get plastic surgery on my hand, goodbye palm, hello cash register!

Question of the Week 7-25-06

Question: What are your guilty pleasures?

Answers:
I have numerous guilty pleasures, but guilty is sort of a dirty word. I prefer to use the term "pleasures i'd be satisfied if no one knew about them". But thats long, so I've got to think of a new phrase. Maybe instead of guilty i could use "no contest pleasures"? Well, at any rate...

I guess my first guilty pleasure is listening to Justin Timberlake. Well, that and singing his songs. At the risk of sounding extra-fruity, I love listening to his music. I think I personally hit the notes better than he does, but I won't argue with him too much on that. I can't wait for his new album to come out. Hopefully it will come out around the same time as the Clipse's new album, so I only have to make one trip to the store. I guess I'm lazy, but whatever.

I'm also really into The Real World. This season I'm mostly into it because of Svetlana, the hot Jewish girl, but most of the time I'm also into the stories. I wish I could experience "The Real World", you know, living in a mansion with easy jobs and partying every night with hot women. Plus it'd be cool to be able to say to some people on the phone "Oh, _____ I've gotta go, one of my 6 roommates wants to use the phone. Yeah, well he/she really wants to use it. Nope, sorry ______ I've gotta go. (Hanging up phone) Okay, you too. Yep, okay, bye". It's like the perfect excuse to get away from a person on the phone.

Tennis. I love playing tennis. I put this as a guilty pleasure because I like it almost too much, and I really suck at playing. But, sucking is relative. Can I beat Serena Williams? Well, probably, she's a girl, and girls suck at sports. But could I beat Agassi? I don't know, probably not, but he's getting old. I could probably beat Nadal on grass, but on clay I'd be screwed. My biggest competition is probably Federer or Blake, but I'll just hit a ball really hard at Blake's neck, that'll teach him (I don't expect most of you to get that joke, so don't worry).

Bumps on noses, and big noses. They're soo hot. Sometimes I accidentally stare at people too long if they have a nice nose, and this tends to be embarassing. I'm sure they feel uncomfortable as well, since many people get made fun of for having a bump on their nose or a really big nose. But, ladies, if you catch me staring at your big/bumped nose, don't fret; you're hot. Don't be afraid to smile slyly, come up to me, put your nose right in front of my eyes and say "you like what you see?" That would be hot. Okay, it'd be weird, but some people are into weirder things. I wonder what Emily's up to?

Going to get my hair cut. I love it. It's scary how much I enjoy it. I don't care if anyone hot cuts my hair, either. I just enjoy getting my hair cut. Aren't the sounds of scissors slicing through your hard-grown hair just beautiful? Plus, if you get a shampoo with the hair cut, you will have an amazing time. Some of those shampooers put Korean pedicurists to shame. And their shampoo always smells so nice. If you haven't ever gotten your hair cut, you've gotta do it. It will change your life, trust me.

Vin Diesel. His acting blows, but how cool does he sound? If I were a celebrity I'd be Vin Diesel. Just that name screams "I could've been a pornstar, but I have morals!" Plus I read somewhere that Vin Diesel almost killed Chuck Norris, which is quite a feat indeed.

Almost any religious history. It's just interesting. Especially when you hear something that contradicts what you've always been told, and it actually makes sense. Let me tell you, when I heard that Abraham and Moses were from a "Warrior" class I was shocked. Now I get why they got Chuck Heston to play Moses. (Moses to Pharoahe): Let my people go [fires warning shots from uzi]

If I think of any other guilty pleasures I'll let ya know. E-mail your guilty pleasures to free.utah@gmail.com

The facts are solid

It should first be noted, before I begin this treatise, that I am in no way a sexist. If anyone is sexist, it's God, since He made men way more intelligent and physically sound than women. So, in the words of Brother Krikava, don't blame me, blame Jesus.

Women certainly engage in a weird way when compared to men. They seem to be quite emotional, as evidenced by any number of songs. It's unbelievably hard to tell a woman she's annoying, or an idiot, for example, and not have her blow up at you for saying so, even when she is, in fact, acting like an idiot. They often preface a conversation as such, "Oh, you can just tell me the truth, I won't get upset". Men, this is a trap, don't fall for it. If a woman says you can tell her the truth she is really saying "Lie your butt off to me and tell me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, or else!" Once you tell a woman the truth, count on not being happy for a while, or possibly not hanging out with her anymore.

If you are able to hang out with her, and eventually want to go on a date, I wish you luck. Women often like to say they're "dating" you. In woman speak this means she is letting you take her out and pay for all of the meals and expensive things, and she'll think about kissing you, just like she'll think about kissing the other guy she's "dating". This doesn't constitute cheating, however, since it was known from the outset that you two were "just dating". Of course, to us men that means we're paying for everything, and we're therefore going out as a monogamous couple. Women will try to say you're being ignorant, that you're jealous, or they just "need some space" once you've entered the poor house and have run out of "spontaneous" ideas like making candles together or paying $150 for a meal.

Women also will never get the idea that they're not necessarily the center of their guy friend's unvierse, and that not every guy that is friends with them likes them simply because he's nice to her. Some guys are just nice. Some guys might even think you're attractive, and like flirting, but don't want anything more. Some guy friends do want to date you, this is true, but not all of them. The law of averages says that while some will want to date you, more will want to just be friends. It's okay. That doesn't mean you're ugly, or that you're boring, you're just not his type. Of course, it's a little perplexing as to why you're upset at not being romantically interesting to your friend, since you don't feel that way about him, either, even though you act the same way he does when you're with him.

Women, furthermore, do not need to shop so much. Women go out sometimes just to "window shop", as if looking at things you'll never be able to buy is fun. It's depressing to realize you're poor, and, yet, women don't understand this concept. It would be understandable if you plan on going back to get the item; but you don't. A fun day with a woman is going to look at clothes for 3 hours, possibly walking around a mall looking at nothing for 3 hours, or talking on the phone about clothes, the mall, or any other number of topics for 3 hours. And do I know where I came up with this 3 hour thing? No, but tell me you spend more than 3 hours with someone and actually enjoy it.

Lastly, why are women always eating, or talking about eating? Honestly, what's the point. Food isn't even that interesting. Cake is okay, but at a certain point even I get bored of cake. Women can apparently, talk about cake while eating cake. Women wish they lived in France when Marie Antoinette was alive. And it's always cake or ice cream. You can even gauge a woman's mood by what they have. Cake is good, ice cream is bad. I've never understood this, but I've done extensive research to prove it's validity.

That's it. I'm sure there's more to talk about involving women, so I'll do a part two. I'll also do one about guys if there's a need for it. Adios.

Orientation: How to waste a day

Firstly, it should be noted I've ditched question of the every other day. It might now become question of the week. I just don't have that many questions. lol.

Anyways, today was orientation at PSU. Seriously, what a waste. So I get there with about 40 minutes to spare. I thought I'd need it, since I was sure a lot of people would be there which usually equates to a big line. Well, this was one bureaucracy that was running smoothly. I got my packet and stuff within a minute. So, I had 40 minutes to kill, with no one around to talk to.

I guess a lot of these kids can't get rid of their parents, or don't want to. I was basically the only one who's parents didn't come with them. Thank God, the last thing I need is my Dad hitting on college girls that just got out of jailbait status. To be honest though, I'm a little bit worried about the women at PSU. There were lots of fob's, lots of preppie types, a few ghetto superstars, but almost no one I found attractive. Actually, the hottest person I saw was an academic advisor. I've so got to go in and get help with my classes now.

I read some of my Milton Friedman stuff while I was there. He's so cool. I told my niece to call Milton Friedman "Uncle Milt" while we were watching him on Charlie Rose (she was 2, but she liked it as long as I spun her around). Milt Friedman is the man by the way. He's like me: basically a libertarian, but just can't bring himself to register libertarian. I think if it weren't for Barbara being so ripped he would've punched George Bush, Sr. in the face for screwing over our economy, though Reagan sort of gave it to him in a bad shape.

So at lunch time I talked with two people, which is pretty darn good for me since I don't really do the whole "New People" thing. One was cool, Melissa, an OL (Orientation Leader). The other was pure psycho. She just came up, started talking like we were the best of friends, but didn't realize that I hate conversations like the one she forced upon me. Seriously, what a weirdo. Apparently some guy tried some crime against her (I'm assuming rape, which proves that rapists go for the ones they feel they can overpower rather than the people they think are hot). Well, she said he ended up with a paralyzed left arm and something else. She must have been from East Germany.

After lunch we went to this hour-long discussion on what you needed to graduate. Mind you, this information is in the packet of random papers they gave us, as well as in our course schedule and bulletin (catalog). Basically, incoming freshman are presumed illiterate until proven non-remedial. Oh, and some parents got really mad because she said that it's easier for students to just mail their grades to the parents then getting some form signed by the students and having to check online. Some parent said "Well, I'd prefer to do it myself, it's not rocket science." Adam (this guy I met) and myself looked at each other and both basically said "But it is computer science". Unfortunately one of the parents on her side was next to us, and we got a stare of death.

Next we got rid of the parents and got into small groups. Of course ours had to incorporate another group, I'm saying we were Microsoft in this one, since I refuse to give up the supremacy status of any group I'm in. I was the smart-alec of the group, and I gave my cute OL a hard time. I think she thinks I wanted her. She's very intuitive.

After this my day was almost over. I had to meet with my history adviser who reminded me of President Muffley in Dr. Strangelove (bumbling, somewhat unprepared, etc.) I understand his situation, however, since he had just administered final exams for his last summer course and I'm sure wanted to get this horrible summer over with as quickly as possible. None the less, you should always come prepared, or at least act like you did.

Now I just had to register for classes. But, my adviser failed to let us know that we needed to pick them in that session. Granted, I only really needed to pick one so I could test my account out, but still. I've decided I'm signing up for Intro. to Judaism, since the Old Testament is where all the sex and blood is at anyways, as well as On Democracy (my freshman inquiry class) and Western civilizations. I'm still looking for another good class, but it's hard to figure out what I want that fits into my schedule. Anyways, I went to go fill out this paper they make you do before you can sign up in order to "speed up the process". Of course, when your ID and PIN don't work, the process is about 45 minutes longer than anyone else's. In the meantime you save your spot, so basically it's taking that great efficiency we had at the beginning of the orientation and flushing it down the toilet. This is why I hate bureaucracies. They start out strong, then fizzle.

All in all, I wasted 6 hours of my time. I could've been looking for a job. I could've been in air conditioning. I could've tipped a cow. All these things and more I could have done, had it not been for my required orientation session. Good job, PSU, I can tell we're going to grow to love each other!

I had him: Garrett disects weird sayings

"I had him in ____": This phrase probably started as a way to disseminate the skanks in a class from the non-skanky ones. I'm sure some leather jacket wearing teenage male with blue jeans and slick-backed hair told his friends he "had" a girl in class alright. This was probably followed with "giggity-giggity-GOO". The friends thought he simply meant he had previously met the girl in a class they took together. Eventually it became a mainstay in the teenager's lexicon.

"______-ing like a madman": I have no idea where this started. Though linguists at Berkely have some interesting theories including England and a king, there are no solid leads. I personally don't think many of the things we do really deserve this phrase, however. Unless you've been "killing" like a madman or "yelling expletives" like a madman or "riding nuclear bombs as they rain down on russia" like a madman. I don't think madmen do many of the productive things we say a madman does. Unless you've been running into white padded walls lately you should probably remove this simile from your vocabulary.

"Holy crap/$#!T" (that actually looks a lot like the word): This obviously points back to when Jesus was crucified. As we all know, the one way to tell if a person is dead is if they lose control of their bowels. Well, Jesus definitely died. Upon seeing this, one of the apostles (presumably Matthew), always the observational humorist, commented, "Holy crap!" From that day forth it became a phrase after you've seen or heard something unexpected. Definitely a "keeper" phrase.

"What's up?": This phrase began when Sir Isaac Newton published his Principia. In this he detailed the conversation that led to his discovery of gravity. At the time Newton was in a neckbrace after a grueling Quiz Bowl, in which he pinched a nerve. He was now in a brace and could only look down and straight ahead. A local jester (the medieval equivalent of Tom Green) came by and jokingly asked "The Newt" (as Sir Isaac Newton was then known as) "Whats up?" The Newt, upset at this remark saw a fallen apple, hurled it at him and said, "There that's whats up. Wait...now it's down. Hmmm..." That story solidified "What's up?" as a medieval pop-culture staple, and it remains so today.

So there you have it, the real beginnings and explanations of the phrases we all use. Feel free to email any phrases that might be of interest to you. As always, free.utah@gmail.com

Fuzzy Cats and Bombs

Over the course of a few years, I've seen many news stories come and go. I've watched as the most successful articles are published. That's not to say that the less-popular articles are bad, they just sometimes lack a certain amount of 'zazz. I've decided to inform potential journalists of America how to write an award-winning article without having ever done it myself, of course.

The first thing you need to do is create a story. An okay reporter just tells you the facts. A good reporter tells you the facts, but makes a story to go along with those facts. A great reporter skips what the okay reporter does, and just makes up a story. The best thing to do is write what you want to say. For example, I want to report in a newspaper that today, Martians invaded Earth and have killed thousands of people. That's my story. Do I have facts to back it up? Hell no. But, wait, what's this? A world-famous person did a radio show announcing the same thing? Well, let's get that transcript and let everyone know that we have a source backing us up. See, now Martians have officially invaded Earth, the media told me so.

Of course, no story is good without a loveable character. This is where you get an animal involved. For our story, an animal is the first one killed. We'll go even further to say that it is the animals who unite and try to take back planet earth. Our lead for this will be a border collie named Lascivious, or Lassie for short. Remember, when reporting, cliche is good, but outright name stealing is best.

Now that you've got a hero all picked out for your news story, you must figure out how to have a happy ending. You must always remember your audience's lives are crappy, so you must make them better. We started off with a furry animal being killed, but now it's the Martians turn. The animals unite, get M-16's (these animals buy American, always) and go out and kill some Martian butt. If you have a dog or two flying a plane, even better. Drop some bunker-busters on those space freaks. The more blood and guts the better. The story will end after a prolonged battle and the total destruction of martian civilization.

You're not home-free yet. After all of this you've got to think of a title for your award-winning news story. The title can't give away the story. "Martians Attack" gives it away. Keep it cryptic. Asking the reader a question is usually a good way to go. "Did Martians Attack?" or "Is the World Under Attack?" should work. When in doubt, go for a short title. "The" should get you a Peabody in no time.

There you have it, your key to writing a winning article. Remember "fuzzy cats and bombs" and every news article you write will be a winner!

One way to raise a roof

So I just read that the New York doctor who blew himself up in his house has died. I must say I am shocked at this development. Usually, me, some TNT and a match get along just fine at a house party. I hope before he died someone reminded him he didn't have the proper insurance to file a claim.

The good news is the man didn't have to spend thousands of dollars on remodeling. I'm assuming this guy has always been the "do-it-yourself" type. Of course this douche left the job half-done, much like that faucet he said he'd fix 6 years ago. It still drips, idiot!

I definitely support his reasoning behind this act, though. I wouldn't want to give my house up to some two-timing hussie. I'll bet she was one of the wives Ann Coulter was talking about, you know, those 9/11 whores. Personally, after a breakup I never give anything back unless I've at least peed on it.

The only thing I'm upset at this guy for is bringing down the property value of the neighborhood. It's going to be pretty hard selling houses in that area. How do you come back from explaining that? Right next door is where some psycho doctor blew his house up and died. Oh, look at those chrysanthemums though, huh? I mean, wow, what a garden.

But, now the guy is in heaven. Or, at least in the waiting line, he drew 8,574,674,342,895. The good news: Heaven has rent-control!

Israel: Wow they own

Everyday I've looked at the news on my Firefox news feeds and seen the same thing: World War 3 is starting. I personally have no fears about this, since I know Jesus has a safety bunker for people like me. But you sinners out there might be wondering how to stop WW3 from happening. Well let me inform you that there is a simple solution: Kill Bill, namely Bill Ahmad Ali-Shareefinibob.

We must get rid of the Islamic Fundamentalists in the world. In order to do this, we must get rid of those that harbor terrorists. In order to do this, we must stay the course with our Israeli allies. Let's face it, out of the choices we have, they happen to be the most even-tempered choice we've got. Nothing says calm like invading a country after two battle-hardened soldiers are kidnapped. Besides, no one wants to side with a force that shoots bottle rockets into a town. I mean, honestly, you call that a militia? American militias didn't even do that, we had, you know, tactics. The second a terrorist group comes out with a set of rules for engagement is when we'll think about siding with them. Of course, those rules will be in Arabic, so we'll just presume its gibberish and keep siding with the Israelis.

The middle east is in crisis right now. I know this because I've seen that exact headline on Fox News, MSNBC, CNN, CNN Headline News, CBS Evening News, NBC Nightly News, the News Hour with Jim Lehrer, and the Outdoor Life Network. Personally, I know my ideas will work. All we have to do is let Israel take over the middle east, one country at a time. By doing so we do a few things. We guarantee the right for Israel to exist, since, well, once they invade Arabs will welcome them with open arms. The second thing we will do is ensure that we've done our part to fulfill Revelations. There's nothing like a human letting know God how to speed up His process. By doing this we ensure ourselves a cozy spot in heaven. Unless, you know, God's real name is Allah, in which case we might be screwed. Of course, what are the odds of that being the truth?

So there you have it, the way to solve the problems in the Middle East. All we have to do is keep doing what we're doing. Oh, and Hezbollah, you're about to have your Hezboll-ass handed to you, kosher style!