- Fundamentalists, of any kind. If you have any fundamentals I hate you. I even include reading fundamentalists, since you're the true enemy
- Liars. Really? You won a triathlon? But, you're 400 pounds, how did you do it? Oh, it's just water weight. Well then, that makes sense
- People that get upset that there isn't more bilingualism in America. Seriously, we're Americans, we don't need to know crap. You know why, because we have a friend, his name is Abraham *slaps down $5 bill*...ya don't know him
- Fat people. I don't mean normal fat people, you know, the ones who are just fat, but thats ok, life goes on. I hate the ones that flaunt their fat flabs, make all these jokes about how they can't do something because they're fat, and sit next to other fat people when they know there's an open seat a little bit down the way. Effin' fatties
- People with those bluetooth ear thingies. First, I can't tell who's normal psycho or stupid anymore. Plus, do these people know how dumb they look with those things? Well, trust me, you look like an idiot
- People that wear sunglasses inside. It's okay to wear them at night (so you can, so you can see), but inside you just look like a der-der-der
- Life-lessons. I hate life-lessons. I really hate it when people try to tell you what life-lesson you should learn from dropping a penny down a sewage drain. Them:"You know, if you hold on tightly to the things you love, you won't - " Me: "SHUT UP! I'll get another penny, hold on to it real tight and then shove it down your throat if you don't shut the crap up!"
- People that tell you jokes they read in e-mail forwards or online. Honestly, if it's online, that means its crude, unintelligible garbage.
- When people think everything always means something positive. Somehow they exist, which is another reason I think Darwin is an idiot, because you would think those people would be weeded out by now
- Halloween. I've never understood it. First, why are all of these city-dwellers celebrating a harvesting holiday? Second, why do they get dressed up for it? Third, why do parents, who tell their children never to take candy from strangers, let their kids go out armed with only a flashlight and let their children take candy from strangers? I think this holiday should be re-named "Confuse Your Child" Day, since he/she will obviously now think cross-dressing is fine, strangers are trustworthy, and you can now extort adults for what you want
- Easter. No, seriously, what does candy and bunnies have to do with Jesus? Honestly...
- Those complaining liberal types (See: Audience at the Daily Show). I mean, really, just shut the crap up
- Trying to explain your not racist, and pointing out your friends that are of the race you supposedly hate. That in itself is racist, but it should be able to prove the point that you're not racist. How the crap do I prove I'm not racist??!? (or sexist or...whatever)
- The senator that accused the Comptroller General of being partisan. Hey, n00b, he's answering a negatively-worded question for a person who knows the answer is going to be bad. Give him a break
- People that are smart, but misspell simple words. I don't mean the way I misspell, getting the same two words confused (your/you're), I mean only the only word that they mean is that word, and they just don't know how to spell it
- Sam Kinison. Why was he famous? Honestly? His comedy was, ehh...and I couldn't understand most of what he said because he was always YELLING!
July 14, 2006
My pet-peeves
I've decided to make a list of my pet-peeves. Enjoy. (This serves no purpose in helping me become a better writer, but w/e)
July 13, 2006
Question of the Every Other Day, 7-14-06
Question: So, Garrett, how have you spent your "final" summer break?
Answer:
So far I've been livin' it up. Really I should stop partying so hard so I don't cause any long-term damage. In order for you to better understand my busy schedule, I will give you my schedule:
10:00am: Wake up, look at clock, go back to sleep
10:30am: Finally wake up
10:31am: Check my e-mail
10:32am: Go to the bathroom
10:34am: Check my e-mail
10:35am: Marvel at my genius blog and my myspace account
10:40am: Check out other people's myspace pages (this is limited to 4 people)
10:55am: Brush my teeth
11:00am: Watch C-Span
12:01pm: Make lunch
12:20pm: Eat lunch
12:28pm: Brush my teeth
12:30pm: Watch the History Channel
1:30pm: Check my e-mail
1:21pm: Browse the internet
1:23pm: Check the GAO Website
1:25pm: Read some articles at History Cooperative
1:50pm: Check my e-mail
1:51pm: Read my blog again
1:53pm: Check my e-mail
1:54pm: Think up blog ideas
2:00pm: Start writing a new blog
2:15pm: Publish my newest blog
2:16pm: Check my e-mail
2:17pm: Marvel at my myspace
2:18pm: Marvel at certain women on myspace
2:20pm: Check my e-mail
2:21pm: Browse the internet
2:30pm: Watch C-Span
6:00pm: Make Dinner
6:20pm: Eat Dinner
6:30pm: Think about a new blog
6:40pm: Write a new blog
6:55pm: Publish new blog
7:00pm: Wander aimlessly in the vortex that is the internet
9:00-10:59pm: Check my e-mail almost every minute
11:00pm: Watch the Daily Show
11:30pm: Watch the Colbert Report
12:01am: Take a shower
12:15am: Brush my teeth
12:20am: Check my e-mail
12:21am: Browse people's myspace accounts
12:30am: Watch C-Span
1:30am: Watch some Family Guy
2:00am: Go to sleep
Answer:
So far I've been livin' it up. Really I should stop partying so hard so I don't cause any long-term damage. In order for you to better understand my busy schedule, I will give you my schedule:
10:00am: Wake up, look at clock, go back to sleep
10:30am: Finally wake up
10:31am: Check my e-mail
10:32am: Go to the bathroom
10:34am: Check my e-mail
10:35am: Marvel at my genius blog and my myspace account
10:40am: Check out other people's myspace pages (this is limited to 4 people)
10:55am: Brush my teeth
11:00am: Watch C-Span
12:01pm: Make lunch
12:20pm: Eat lunch
12:28pm: Brush my teeth
12:30pm: Watch the History Channel
1:30pm: Check my e-mail
1:21pm: Browse the internet
1:23pm: Check the GAO Website
1:25pm: Read some articles at History Cooperative
1:50pm: Check my e-mail
1:51pm: Read my blog again
1:53pm: Check my e-mail
1:54pm: Think up blog ideas
2:00pm: Start writing a new blog
2:15pm: Publish my newest blog
2:16pm: Check my e-mail
2:17pm: Marvel at my myspace
2:18pm: Marvel at certain women on myspace
2:20pm: Check my e-mail
2:21pm: Browse the internet
2:30pm: Watch C-Span
6:00pm: Make Dinner
6:20pm: Eat Dinner
6:30pm: Think about a new blog
6:40pm: Write a new blog
6:55pm: Publish new blog
7:00pm: Wander aimlessly in the vortex that is the internet
9:00-10:59pm: Check my e-mail almost every minute
11:00pm: Watch the Daily Show
11:30pm: Watch the Colbert Report
12:01am: Take a shower
12:15am: Brush my teeth
12:20am: Check my e-mail
12:21am: Browse people's myspace accounts
12:30am: Watch C-Span
1:30am: Watch some Family Guy
2:00am: Go to sleep
Why lie?
So I've been thinking about this for a while. I've met a lot of people that I think still lie about what they do in order to impress other people. Why do people do this? It makes no sense, and often ends in disaster. I'll give examples using nicknames for people.
"Garrett": Once gave false information to a friend. In his 8th grade year, while being a typical 8th grader, an idiot, told a friend that he had smoked weed before. Not only that he had smoked weed, but that it turned out to be laced with something. He's still not quite sure why he did this, but he thinks it was an attempt to lose the "goody-goody" tag that had followed him his entire life. Of course, he told this to an anti-druggie friend, and ended up getting a lecture from the friend. He felt like an idiot, so he felt like an 8th grader. As he got the lecture he felt horrible for two reasons: He felt bad for lying to the friend and making her think something that was false, and he felt horrible for his imaginary experience of getting high. He's since quit both of these activities and refuses to make up stories about his past, unless they serve a comedic purpose, and even then they're just exaggerations.
"Kat": There's no proof of any actual lying, but as someone who's hung out/grown up with people who've done drugs, her druggie grammar is too crappy to be believable. She once said that she "had" weed. While it is possible to take a pill of thc, it's highly improbable that anyone would do this, and if they did they'd never say they had weed, they'd say they took some thc. But had seems a little more acceptable in that case than "had" meaning "smoked". The outcome was quite simple for her, the person she told this to automatically stopped talking to her. He would've continued to talk to her, since he doesn't care if his friends do drugs, but she was probably lying, and if not, had horrible grammar.
"Heather": There are so many stories to go along with this person. She's the bionic woman, with almost half of her body composed of metal joints and screws. She also supposedly hurt her arm and wore a sling at band camp, but when she got back her mom said in front of everyone she didn't need the sling. She's even been known to impersonate the Evil Monkey from Family Guy. While this author doesn't really hate her like others do, others do, and many simply because she makes up stories. Of course, this whole thing would be quite ironic if people were just making up that they didn't like her, in order to seem cool.
I'll conclude by reminding you that odds are, if you're reading this, you're above 14. Once you hit high school you should realize you don't need to make up stories to seem cool. If you really wanted to be cool you'd know it's not what you make up, but what you wear. Look at this guy, total idiot, but wears cool clothing, so girls think he's hot. Take a page out of this guys book. Please submit any of your made up stories, past or present, to free.utah@gmail.com. I will use a fake name just as I did for the people above, so don't be afraid.
"Garrett": Once gave false information to a friend. In his 8th grade year, while being a typical 8th grader, an idiot, told a friend that he had smoked weed before. Not only that he had smoked weed, but that it turned out to be laced with something. He's still not quite sure why he did this, but he thinks it was an attempt to lose the "goody-goody" tag that had followed him his entire life. Of course, he told this to an anti-druggie friend, and ended up getting a lecture from the friend. He felt like an idiot, so he felt like an 8th grader. As he got the lecture he felt horrible for two reasons: He felt bad for lying to the friend and making her think something that was false, and he felt horrible for his imaginary experience of getting high. He's since quit both of these activities and refuses to make up stories about his past, unless they serve a comedic purpose, and even then they're just exaggerations.
"Kat": There's no proof of any actual lying, but as someone who's hung out/grown up with people who've done drugs, her druggie grammar is too crappy to be believable. She once said that she "had" weed. While it is possible to take a pill of thc, it's highly improbable that anyone would do this, and if they did they'd never say they had weed, they'd say they took some thc. But had seems a little more acceptable in that case than "had" meaning "smoked". The outcome was quite simple for her, the person she told this to automatically stopped talking to her. He would've continued to talk to her, since he doesn't care if his friends do drugs, but she was probably lying, and if not, had horrible grammar.
"Heather": There are so many stories to go along with this person. She's the bionic woman, with almost half of her body composed of metal joints and screws. She also supposedly hurt her arm and wore a sling at band camp, but when she got back her mom said in front of everyone she didn't need the sling. She's even been known to impersonate the Evil Monkey from Family Guy. While this author doesn't really hate her like others do, others do, and many simply because she makes up stories. Of course, this whole thing would be quite ironic if people were just making up that they didn't like her, in order to seem cool.
I'll conclude by reminding you that odds are, if you're reading this, you're above 14. Once you hit high school you should realize you don't need to make up stories to seem cool. If you really wanted to be cool you'd know it's not what you make up, but what you wear. Look at this guy, total idiot, but wears cool clothing, so girls think he's hot. Take a page out of this guys book. Please submit any of your made up stories, past or present, to free.utah@gmail.com. I will use a fake name just as I did for the people above, so don't be afraid.
July 12, 2006
I'm not quite sure about this Darwin guy
Ok, so I've started to think about this whole "evolution" thing. I'm not quite sure if I can believe it. If I were to believe it, what's the explanation for George Bush still being our president? Is he possibly the most fit, physically speaking? Well, if you take away good ole' TR, then yes, he probably is. He can probably run circles around TR's distant cousin, you know, that other Roosevelt. But, he really isn't that gifted of a public speaker. Just so happens that being a gifted public speaker is one of the most important things when it comes to being President. I'm not saying he's stupid all the time, but just about 75% of it. Seriously, you would've thought he would've been ousted by now, of course when he hears he's getting impeached he probably thinks he's going to a fruit cannery.
I'm also re-thinking Darwin because of a recent occurrence of events. Namely, the death of a few unlucky insects. Now, these deaths could be due to my lightning quick speed and strong crushing abilities, but I'm not quite sure about that. Let's go over the body count for the last week: 10 ants, 2 spiders, 2 flies, and 1 moth. One of those flies, I might point out, was killed with only a butter knife, which is pretty darn good if you ask me. But I couldn't help but wondering, how did these creations survive a period as long, if not longer, than the humans time on earth? Since Man we've seen the loss of mammoths and dodo birds, and yet these freaking insects stick around. Did they learn from the Chinese and realize there's strength in numbers (and from having land nobody wants)? How could I kill a fly, who has such good eyesight that if he were to watch a movie, he'd be able to see it frame by frame? I know I'm as stealthy as a ninja (since I am one) but...still.
While on my bug-killing escapades I've encountered this one type of ant, or some type of bug. It seems to favor water a lot, or at least cool damp places. While this means it is probably usually well hidden, it is probably the slowest moving legged bug I've ever encountered. Not only that, but it has the wussiest defense mechanism known to Man: A pincher, at it's hind parts. I won't even go into the excretory questions this raises for me. But seriously, how are you going to do anything with a pincher in the back? It doesn't curl over like a scorpion's stinger, it just waddles along with it, weighing it down. Darwin, how this thing survived even a decade is beyond me. If I find out this thing was around during the potato famine I'll know that evolution is a load of crap, because I know tons of Irishmen that would eat this thing for 10 bucks now, I can't imagine how many they'd eat if they were starving.
So, Darwin, I've officially debunked your cruel stranglehold on science. It's time to divert the schools attention from your lies and illogicality and go to something that makes sense, like Intelligent Design (it makes sense because no one knows what it really is). People, unite! Fight the Survival of the Fittest lie perpetuated to our school children. I've already got a mascot picked out
I'm also re-thinking Darwin because of a recent occurrence of events. Namely, the death of a few unlucky insects. Now, these deaths could be due to my lightning quick speed and strong crushing abilities, but I'm not quite sure about that. Let's go over the body count for the last week: 10 ants, 2 spiders, 2 flies, and 1 moth. One of those flies, I might point out, was killed with only a butter knife, which is pretty darn good if you ask me. But I couldn't help but wondering, how did these creations survive a period as long, if not longer, than the humans time on earth? Since Man we've seen the loss of mammoths and dodo birds, and yet these freaking insects stick around. Did they learn from the Chinese and realize there's strength in numbers (and from having land nobody wants)? How could I kill a fly, who has such good eyesight that if he were to watch a movie, he'd be able to see it frame by frame? I know I'm as stealthy as a ninja (since I am one) but...still.
While on my bug-killing escapades I've encountered this one type of ant, or some type of bug. It seems to favor water a lot, or at least cool damp places. While this means it is probably usually well hidden, it is probably the slowest moving legged bug I've ever encountered. Not only that, but it has the wussiest defense mechanism known to Man: A pincher, at it's hind parts. I won't even go into the excretory questions this raises for me. But seriously, how are you going to do anything with a pincher in the back? It doesn't curl over like a scorpion's stinger, it just waddles along with it, weighing it down. Darwin, how this thing survived even a decade is beyond me. If I find out this thing was around during the potato famine I'll know that evolution is a load of crap, because I know tons of Irishmen that would eat this thing for 10 bucks now, I can't imagine how many they'd eat if they were starving.
So, Darwin, I've officially debunked your cruel stranglehold on science. It's time to divert the schools attention from your lies and illogicality and go to something that makes sense, like Intelligent Design (it makes sense because no one knows what it really is). People, unite! Fight the Survival of the Fittest lie perpetuated to our school children. I've already got a mascot picked out
July 11, 2006
Question of the Every Other Day, 7-12-06
Question: Are you Mormon?
Answer:
First, it should be noted that this is a hilarious question to a few people because of a certain Seattle trip. To those people: I don't think she is/was, but I hated her just like the fish monger did.
Anyways, my mom asked me if I was thinking of converting after I told her I went to church, and didn't mind it that much. Somehow that means I'm thinking of converting. While I did quite enjoy church, there are a few reasons I won't be converting, which I'll discuss later.
First I'd like to give what I did like about church. First, sacrament was primo stuff. The only other church I can remember that I've been to gave horribly stale saltine crackers out, and this wannabe Welch's grape juice stuff. I'm not a big fan of grape juice, so the crappy grape juice made me realize that this church was committing one of the worst sins a church could commit: serving crap food. The stuff at the LDS Church, not so bad. The bread was fairly good, fresh even. A lot better than the bread they gave us on the aforementioned Seattle trip. But I digress. I figure any church that can invest in fresh bread is ok with me. Plus they gave water with the bread, which I prefer to grape juice. Oh, and they had these stylin' trays for the water cups. They know how to spend their money the right way.
I also enjoyed the padded seating, but the seats could be more ergonomically sound. But, none the less, the seats were pretty good. I'm used to either folding chairs or plain wood to sit on, so the padding was nice. Despite my build, I'm cursed with a typical White Guy butt, limited padding and a tad boney. I will say I got a neck ache during the little talky-thingies, but I'm attributing this to my poor posture while at Sacrament.
I will now give the reasons I won't be converting any time soon. First, I think all religions are just less-weird cults. Seriously, the only thing between Christianity and Heaven's Gate is a bowl of punch in my opinion.
Another reason I won't be converting to the Mormon Church specifically is I'd feel way too much pressure. I mean, first I have the pressure to have children, which is pretty darn important in that religion. I mean, look, I don't really like tons of kids; 3's my maximum. Plus, I'd like to adopt more than have my own kids. I figure there's enough Chinese babies for the Church 10 times over. But I'd also feel pressure to show up for Church events. Look, I just want to come in, listen to some people speak, and be on my way. All these events make them worse than the boy scouts. Seriously, camping, helping people, missions? What the crap? I've got stuff to do, like commit blasphemy for the sake of humor.
Lastly, I'm just too much of a rebel for any Church. I like to argue way too much. I think when I die God and me will start a debate club (side note: God and me is the correct grammatical usage, since God and me aren't the subject of the sentence). Anyways, I like to question authority way too much. Even when I don't believe what I'm arguing I still do. I doubt any Church wants a guy sitting there rolling their eyes in church calling the speaker an idiot. I'd be that guy rolling his eyes.
So, no, I'm not Mormon. I'm not affiliated with any religion. I'm spiritual, that's pretty much enough for me. I don't have any qualms with converting for a marriage, however, but I will ex-communicate myself after the honeymoon.
Here's a good site to learn about things in which you don't believe, or may even loathe
Answer:
First, it should be noted that this is a hilarious question to a few people because of a certain Seattle trip. To those people: I don't think she is/was, but I hated her just like the fish monger did.
Anyways, my mom asked me if I was thinking of converting after I told her I went to church, and didn't mind it that much. Somehow that means I'm thinking of converting. While I did quite enjoy church, there are a few reasons I won't be converting, which I'll discuss later.
First I'd like to give what I did like about church. First, sacrament was primo stuff. The only other church I can remember that I've been to gave horribly stale saltine crackers out, and this wannabe Welch's grape juice stuff. I'm not a big fan of grape juice, so the crappy grape juice made me realize that this church was committing one of the worst sins a church could commit: serving crap food. The stuff at the LDS Church, not so bad. The bread was fairly good, fresh even. A lot better than the bread they gave us on the aforementioned Seattle trip. But I digress. I figure any church that can invest in fresh bread is ok with me. Plus they gave water with the bread, which I prefer to grape juice. Oh, and they had these stylin' trays for the water cups. They know how to spend their money the right way.
I also enjoyed the padded seating, but the seats could be more ergonomically sound. But, none the less, the seats were pretty good. I'm used to either folding chairs or plain wood to sit on, so the padding was nice. Despite my build, I'm cursed with a typical White Guy butt, limited padding and a tad boney. I will say I got a neck ache during the little talky-thingies, but I'm attributing this to my poor posture while at Sacrament.
I will now give the reasons I won't be converting any time soon. First, I think all religions are just less-weird cults. Seriously, the only thing between Christianity and Heaven's Gate is a bowl of punch in my opinion.
Another reason I won't be converting to the Mormon Church specifically is I'd feel way too much pressure. I mean, first I have the pressure to have children, which is pretty darn important in that religion. I mean, look, I don't really like tons of kids; 3's my maximum. Plus, I'd like to adopt more than have my own kids. I figure there's enough Chinese babies for the Church 10 times over. But I'd also feel pressure to show up for Church events. Look, I just want to come in, listen to some people speak, and be on my way. All these events make them worse than the boy scouts. Seriously, camping, helping people, missions? What the crap? I've got stuff to do, like commit blasphemy for the sake of humor.
Lastly, I'm just too much of a rebel for any Church. I like to argue way too much. I think when I die God and me will start a debate club (side note: God and me is the correct grammatical usage, since God and me aren't the subject of the sentence). Anyways, I like to question authority way too much. Even when I don't believe what I'm arguing I still do. I doubt any Church wants a guy sitting there rolling their eyes in church calling the speaker an idiot. I'd be that guy rolling his eyes.
So, no, I'm not Mormon. I'm not affiliated with any religion. I'm spiritual, that's pretty much enough for me. I don't have any qualms with converting for a marriage, however, but I will ex-communicate myself after the honeymoon.
Here's a good site to learn about things in which you don't believe, or may even loathe
Summer Love
Do you know the feeling that the perfect person for you is about to leave forever? Do you know how it feels to not tell that person how you truly feel for fears of getting hurt? Well, I don't, but I'm sure I can help.
First, don't tell them how you really feel. You're going your way, they're going their way. Let it be. Life isn't about making you feel happy with some other person. Life is all about how many members of the opposite (or same) sex you can have sex with. There probably isn't "The One" out there anyways, but there is an STD out there waiting for someone just like you. Besides, how can you feel that way about someone? The J. Geils Band had it right, love really does stink. No, really, it has quite the distinctive odor, it smells like stink bug mixed with skunk. Remember: Love is a four-letter word for a reason, my friends.
Second, why would you ever, ever tell someone how you truly feel? If you're a guy, what are you, the biggest wuss ever? Look, if you really want the girl, get a cool leather jacket, start smoking cigarettes, and call the girl the worst names you can think of. That says I care more than anything in the world. Teddy bears and flowers are so passe.
Third, if you think you might be in love, you need to get a hold of yourself. Have you thought about changing careers? I heard recluse is a good position for someone who might be in love. They're also hiring heart-broken mass murderers like crazy now. Either one of these positions are ripe for you if you are in love, so don't worry, life will go on. Well, that is if you don't go for the last option, Suicide Expert. You only need one day of training for that job.
Lastly, if you think you've found the perfect one, remember, perfect is sort of a relative word. Perfect can mean many things. If you don't believe me, check this out. See, I wasn't lying.
Now, I leave you with the lyrics to an aforementioned song:
Artist: The J. Geils Band Lyrics
You love her
But she loves him
And he loves somebody else
You just can't win
And so it goes
Till the day you die
This thing they call love
It's gonna make you cry
I've had the blues
The reds and the pinks
One thing for sure
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
Two by two and side by side
Love's gonna find you yes it is
You just can't hide
You'll hear it call
Your heart will fall
Then love will fly
It's gonna soar
I don't care for any casanova thing
All I can say is
Love stinks
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
I've been through diamonds
I've been through minks
I've been through it all
Love stinks
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
First, don't tell them how you really feel. You're going your way, they're going their way. Let it be. Life isn't about making you feel happy with some other person. Life is all about how many members of the opposite (or same) sex you can have sex with. There probably isn't "The One" out there anyways, but there is an STD out there waiting for someone just like you. Besides, how can you feel that way about someone? The J. Geils Band had it right, love really does stink. No, really, it has quite the distinctive odor, it smells like stink bug mixed with skunk. Remember: Love is a four-letter word for a reason, my friends.
Second, why would you ever, ever tell someone how you truly feel? If you're a guy, what are you, the biggest wuss ever? Look, if you really want the girl, get a cool leather jacket, start smoking cigarettes, and call the girl the worst names you can think of. That says I care more than anything in the world. Teddy bears and flowers are so passe.
Third, if you think you might be in love, you need to get a hold of yourself. Have you thought about changing careers? I heard recluse is a good position for someone who might be in love. They're also hiring heart-broken mass murderers like crazy now. Either one of these positions are ripe for you if you are in love, so don't worry, life will go on. Well, that is if you don't go for the last option, Suicide Expert. You only need one day of training for that job.
Lastly, if you think you've found the perfect one, remember, perfect is sort of a relative word. Perfect can mean many things. If you don't believe me, check this out. See, I wasn't lying.
Now, I leave you with the lyrics to an aforementioned song:
Artist: The J. Geils Band Lyrics
Song: Love Stinks Lyrics
You love herBut she loves him
And he loves somebody else
You just can't win
And so it goes
Till the day you die
This thing they call love
It's gonna make you cry
I've had the blues
The reds and the pinks
One thing for sure
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
Two by two and side by side
Love's gonna find you yes it is
You just can't hide
You'll hear it call
Your heart will fall
Then love will fly
It's gonna soar
I don't care for any casanova thing
All I can say is
Love stinks
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
I've been through diamonds
I've been through minks
I've been through it all
Love stinks
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
The future's looking good
For some reason people are becoming really concerned about the future as of late. I'm not quite sure why, it seems many think that they have something to worry about. I've heard something about a new chapter in life, blah blah blah. Let me tell you something, don't think what the Man wants you to think. You've started nothing new. In fact, if you're going to school, you're doing just what the Man wants you to do. If you plan on going to school in the Fall, DON'T. If you do, you're only becoming part of the herd.
I say, go see the world. Nothing screams "I'm going to be successful later in my life" like going to Amsterdam, getting unbelievably high, then going to Germany to one of the state-run brothels for some dirty German sex. After you've done this, go to Italy and party it up with the recent World Cup winners. You'll get to have more dirty German sex. After you've done this, grab the nearest plane back to the states.
Ok, back in the states? Well, don't put that backpack away quite yet. Get a change of clothes, or not, whatever you like. Get that thumb out and see all this country has to offer by hitchhiking across this great nation. Now that you've stepped out onto that highway to nowhere, get into a van that looks like this. This guy will undoubtedly have the highest of morals.
Now that you've hitchhiked through the country, it's now time to get a cool cardboard sign. Come up with a nice catch-phrase for the front. Spend what you have left of any money on a sharpie, and write something like "I could've done whatever I wanted, but instead got high in Amsterdam and now want to do nothing. It was fun, and well worth it. So, uh, got any change?" This will let people know that you plan to do a lot with the money you get. Don't worry about missing out on the university experience, you'll make enough money to drink with the pros, just like any other good college student.
Now that you've got the keys to living the best life for a young rebel, what are you waiting for? Get out and experience life to it's fullest potential. Go on you crazy kids!
I say, go see the world. Nothing screams "I'm going to be successful later in my life" like going to Amsterdam, getting unbelievably high, then going to Germany to one of the state-run brothels for some dirty German sex. After you've done this, go to Italy and party it up with the recent World Cup winners. You'll get to have more dirty German sex. After you've done this, grab the nearest plane back to the states.
Ok, back in the states? Well, don't put that backpack away quite yet. Get a change of clothes, or not, whatever you like. Get that thumb out and see all this country has to offer by hitchhiking across this great nation. Now that you've stepped out onto that highway to nowhere, get into a van that looks like this. This guy will undoubtedly have the highest of morals.
Now that you've hitchhiked through the country, it's now time to get a cool cardboard sign. Come up with a nice catch-phrase for the front. Spend what you have left of any money on a sharpie, and write something like "I could've done whatever I wanted, but instead got high in Amsterdam and now want to do nothing. It was fun, and well worth it. So, uh, got any change?" This will let people know that you plan to do a lot with the money you get. Don't worry about missing out on the university experience, you'll make enough money to drink with the pros, just like any other good college student.
Now that you've got the keys to living the best life for a young rebel, what are you waiting for? Get out and experience life to it's fullest potential. Go on you crazy kids!
July 10, 2006
YouTube - Henry writes a letter to the FCC
July 09, 2006
Question of the Every Other Day, 7-10-06
Question: Do I have Autism?
Answer:
Despite popular belief, no, I don't have any form of autism. You won't necessarily get this same answer from everyone. Apparently anyone that watches a 10 minute special on Dateline is now a certified psychiatrist and can diagnose any mental ailments in a snap.
Take, for example, my mom. I was walking through the grocery store in Salem with her today. Salem is a city that's many hundreds of miles from LA, but thinks it is LA. And by LA I mean it has ugly streets with crappy stores on either side, traffic galore, and stupid people at every turn. But I digress. My mom said to me in the store that she thinks I have autism, and as a way to show her credentials she mentioned she watched a show about it on TV. But, this isn't just any show, it's a show that only has 10 minute pieces of "journalism". I put that in quotes because it is keenly targeted to overzealous parents who wish to diagnose their children's "problems" with diseases, when in fact the child is just a regular person, who happens to have a few quirks about them.
So, what brought this diagnosis about from my mother, who's now going through her 4th year of 20/20 medical school, is that I made a comment when she got hit with a shopping cart. This wasn't just any shopping cart, however, it was our shopping cart. You might be curious as to how this would happen. Well, the answer is rather than pushing the cart, you know, where the handle is and where you can exert the most control over a deranged out of control shopping cart, my mom was pulling it along. This made no sense to me, as I would later point out.
"That's why they have the handle behind the cart" I said, laughing as she looked down at the little bit of torn epidermis on her ankle. Now, the conversation after that statement went something like this:
"I think you have autism" says my mom
"Why?" I say
"Because I watched a special and you had all the signs of autism"
"Oh yeah, like what?"
"Well, a lack of empathy, for starters. And unsympathetic to other people. And 'quirky' (that's the word my mom uses instead of saying I'm picky and rather weird)"
"What, just because I laugh when you get hit by a shopping cart I have autism?"
"Well, and the other stuff, but yeah, mostly the lack of empathy one"
I soon dropped the argument, knowing I couldn't prove to her I wan not autistic. I doubt she would be able to empathize with me being told I have a disorder without actually having it. Hmm...I think my mom's autistic.
The point is, what's wrong with being un-empathetic at times? If something is of no wrongdoing by the person, usually I at least sympathize with them. But when you're pulling a shopping cart, and can't choreograph stopping your arm and your legs at the same time, you should probably get laughed at. Does this mean I have autism? No, not really. Could I have it? I don't know, I don't care, I'm doing fine as is, thank you very much.
Of course, this wasn't the first time I've been accused of having a form of autism by my mom. There was an entire Asperger's fiasco, in which she thought I had a mild form of autism known as Asperger's. It was something about me being a picky eater, unsympathetic with a lack of social skills...and then I just sort of tuned out and laughed at the name Asperger's (say it, I guarantee you'll find it crudely humorous).
Anyways, I'm not autistic. Unique? Yes. I refuse to categorize myself as having any disorder, it's not my fault I can't be pinned down with a label. I guess what I'm saying is I'm basically the James Dean of nerds, rebelling against all labels. I guess you could label me a rebel. Ha! The irony...
Answer:
Despite popular belief, no, I don't have any form of autism. You won't necessarily get this same answer from everyone. Apparently anyone that watches a 10 minute special on Dateline is now a certified psychiatrist and can diagnose any mental ailments in a snap.
Take, for example, my mom. I was walking through the grocery store in Salem with her today. Salem is a city that's many hundreds of miles from LA, but thinks it is LA. And by LA I mean it has ugly streets with crappy stores on either side, traffic galore, and stupid people at every turn. But I digress. My mom said to me in the store that she thinks I have autism, and as a way to show her credentials she mentioned she watched a show about it on TV. But, this isn't just any show, it's a show that only has 10 minute pieces of "journalism". I put that in quotes because it is keenly targeted to overzealous parents who wish to diagnose their children's "problems" with diseases, when in fact the child is just a regular person, who happens to have a few quirks about them.
So, what brought this diagnosis about from my mother, who's now going through her 4th year of 20/20 medical school, is that I made a comment when she got hit with a shopping cart. This wasn't just any shopping cart, however, it was our shopping cart. You might be curious as to how this would happen. Well, the answer is rather than pushing the cart, you know, where the handle is and where you can exert the most control over a deranged out of control shopping cart, my mom was pulling it along. This made no sense to me, as I would later point out.
"That's why they have the handle behind the cart" I said, laughing as she looked down at the little bit of torn epidermis on her ankle. Now, the conversation after that statement went something like this:
"I think you have autism" says my mom
"Why?" I say
"Because I watched a special and you had all the signs of autism"
"Oh yeah, like what?"
"Well, a lack of empathy, for starters. And unsympathetic to other people. And 'quirky' (that's the word my mom uses instead of saying I'm picky and rather weird)"
"What, just because I laugh when you get hit by a shopping cart I have autism?"
"Well, and the other stuff, but yeah, mostly the lack of empathy one"
I soon dropped the argument, knowing I couldn't prove to her I wan not autistic. I doubt she would be able to empathize with me being told I have a disorder without actually having it. Hmm...I think my mom's autistic.
The point is, what's wrong with being un-empathetic at times? If something is of no wrongdoing by the person, usually I at least sympathize with them. But when you're pulling a shopping cart, and can't choreograph stopping your arm and your legs at the same time, you should probably get laughed at. Does this mean I have autism? No, not really. Could I have it? I don't know, I don't care, I'm doing fine as is, thank you very much.
Of course, this wasn't the first time I've been accused of having a form of autism by my mom. There was an entire Asperger's fiasco, in which she thought I had a mild form of autism known as Asperger's. It was something about me being a picky eater, unsympathetic with a lack of social skills...and then I just sort of tuned out and laughed at the name Asperger's (say it, I guarantee you'll find it crudely humorous).
Anyways, I'm not autistic. Unique? Yes. I refuse to categorize myself as having any disorder, it's not my fault I can't be pinned down with a label. I guess what I'm saying is I'm basically the James Dean of nerds, rebelling against all labels. I guess you could label me a rebel. Ha! The irony...
I'm getting in on this...
I've decided it's time to start my own religion. You see, I was sitting around today in an LDS Church when it hit me: I could make serious bank off of this whole church racket. All I have to do is come up with a nice little set of things to do, maybe throw in a prophet or two (myself included) and, voila! I now have a church.
Now I recognize this isn't going to be an easy task. But, I figure if some Spanish guy named Jesus can do it, so can I. My plan is simply fool proof. I'll first predict some very basic things. "I think tomorrow the sun will rise" will be many of my prophecies. This will not suffice the entire way through, however, so I must come up with better prophecies. I'll have to predict that one day, months from now, we will have many days of rain, and even the leaves will change color. This will surely grab the people's attention, as I have just predicted for them not only a season of harvest, but a notice on when to stock-up on food.
No religion is golden without a platform, of course. I'll make various rules from various religions, and even add a few of my own into it. Here, though, I run into quite the conflict. My personal philosophy is do as you please, as long as it's the key to the easiest route in the long-run. You need not follow organized religion, in my view, for it is simply another person's belief about how you should live. Let others judge you, but don't let others live for you. This, however, goes against numerous ideas of a normal, western philosophy. I might have to look into devaluing some of my values in order to gain other values (such as gold, platinum, and a house).
My first rule will be to put a limit on the amount of children you may have. I recognize this is a horrible way for the congregation to grow, but look, we sort of have enough. Besides, after sitting in that LDS Church listening to screaming kids, I've come to realize at a certain point, enough is enough. I've chosen the number of 2.5 kids max. Why the decimal? you may ask. Well, the answer is simple: in my church, you're allowed to have one stupid kid. But that stupid kid only counts as half a person. I wouldn't want a parents' children to be maxed out at 2, with one stupid and one dumb. I'm serious though; only one stupid kid. We don't want tons of them giving our congregation a bad name, do we? I didn't think so.
My second rule will be to donate 5% of your check to "The Church" (i.e. me). I've chosen 5% because I've got to stay competitive with the other Churches that exist today, and 5% is well below the standard 10%. I figure people won't even know how much they're giving away this way, which is all the better for me, all I need is a bunch of people getting all inquisitive. When I roll past them on my sweet new motorcycle on my way back to my mansion and they roll past me on the bus, the last thing I want to hear is "So, where's all of our money going?" That definitely wouldn't be good.
My third rule will be to do whatever you like, as long as it's what I like. Okay, not really. I figure, just sort of do what you want, provided it'll make everything easier in the long-run. In my religion, God wants people to have an easy life, so He makes life with choices. If you follow one way, which is easy right then, you might have a hard road later on. It could be the opposite, choose the hard way, you get the easy way in the long-run. Or, it could be choose the easy way, get the easy way. In my religion, God is sort of confusing.
Now, no religion or idea is good without a slogan. I've put much thought into what this slogan should be, and I've decided on "...". It sort of adds a mysterious component to the whole thing. What does "..." mean to you? How can you best act out "..."? What's God purpose for you with "..."? People will be enticed by my slogan, and will therefore come to my meetings to find out the answers.
This brings me to the style of our church meetings. I'll have to hand-select all speakers for the various churches. I won't leave it open to the public, since not many people are gifted public speakers. I want people with the flair of Hitler, but a tad bit more calm. Picture, if you will, Hitler, had he gone to therapy once or twice. Once the Church grows I'll have to outsource some of my minister picking duties to some well-qualified Chinese boy for .25 cents per hour. I will encourage all of my speakers to go and intermingle with the crowd while giving a "sermon". I'll also encourage most of it should be done as a comedy show, with jokes, but making sure to prove a point with their "routine". If only I could get Lenny Bruce to come back from the dead...
Lastly I must think of a name. I've decided the longer the better. I'm leaning towards "Church of the True Prophets Including, But Not Limited To, Moses, Jesus, Mohammed, and Garrett as Part of the Teachings of A Better, More Awesome Life". That's just a rough-draft of the name, but it will probably resemble that.
Well, that about does it for my religion. I've got to go get "Divinely Inspired" to write my book(s) that will change the lives of millions all around the world.
Now I recognize this isn't going to be an easy task. But, I figure if some Spanish guy named Jesus can do it, so can I. My plan is simply fool proof. I'll first predict some very basic things. "I think tomorrow the sun will rise" will be many of my prophecies. This will not suffice the entire way through, however, so I must come up with better prophecies. I'll have to predict that one day, months from now, we will have many days of rain, and even the leaves will change color. This will surely grab the people's attention, as I have just predicted for them not only a season of harvest, but a notice on when to stock-up on food.
No religion is golden without a platform, of course. I'll make various rules from various religions, and even add a few of my own into it. Here, though, I run into quite the conflict. My personal philosophy is do as you please, as long as it's the key to the easiest route in the long-run. You need not follow organized religion, in my view, for it is simply another person's belief about how you should live. Let others judge you, but don't let others live for you. This, however, goes against numerous ideas of a normal, western philosophy. I might have to look into devaluing some of my values in order to gain other values (such as gold, platinum, and a house).
My first rule will be to put a limit on the amount of children you may have. I recognize this is a horrible way for the congregation to grow, but look, we sort of have enough. Besides, after sitting in that LDS Church listening to screaming kids, I've come to realize at a certain point, enough is enough. I've chosen the number of 2.5 kids max. Why the decimal? you may ask. Well, the answer is simple: in my church, you're allowed to have one stupid kid. But that stupid kid only counts as half a person. I wouldn't want a parents' children to be maxed out at 2, with one stupid and one dumb. I'm serious though; only one stupid kid. We don't want tons of them giving our congregation a bad name, do we? I didn't think so.
My second rule will be to donate 5% of your check to "The Church" (i.e. me). I've chosen 5% because I've got to stay competitive with the other Churches that exist today, and 5% is well below the standard 10%. I figure people won't even know how much they're giving away this way, which is all the better for me, all I need is a bunch of people getting all inquisitive. When I roll past them on my sweet new motorcycle on my way back to my mansion and they roll past me on the bus, the last thing I want to hear is "So, where's all of our money going?" That definitely wouldn't be good.
My third rule will be to do whatever you like, as long as it's what I like. Okay, not really. I figure, just sort of do what you want, provided it'll make everything easier in the long-run. In my religion, God wants people to have an easy life, so He makes life with choices. If you follow one way, which is easy right then, you might have a hard road later on. It could be the opposite, choose the hard way, you get the easy way in the long-run. Or, it could be choose the easy way, get the easy way. In my religion, God is sort of confusing.
Now, no religion or idea is good without a slogan. I've put much thought into what this slogan should be, and I've decided on "...". It sort of adds a mysterious component to the whole thing. What does "..." mean to you? How can you best act out "..."? What's God purpose for you with "..."? People will be enticed by my slogan, and will therefore come to my meetings to find out the answers.
This brings me to the style of our church meetings. I'll have to hand-select all speakers for the various churches. I won't leave it open to the public, since not many people are gifted public speakers. I want people with the flair of Hitler, but a tad bit more calm. Picture, if you will, Hitler, had he gone to therapy once or twice. Once the Church grows I'll have to outsource some of my minister picking duties to some well-qualified Chinese boy for .25 cents per hour. I will encourage all of my speakers to go and intermingle with the crowd while giving a "sermon". I'll also encourage most of it should be done as a comedy show, with jokes, but making sure to prove a point with their "routine". If only I could get Lenny Bruce to come back from the dead...
Lastly I must think of a name. I've decided the longer the better. I'm leaning towards "Church of the True Prophets Including, But Not Limited To, Moses, Jesus, Mohammed, and Garrett as Part of the Teachings of A Better, More Awesome Life". That's just a rough-draft of the name, but it will probably resemble that.
Well, that about does it for my religion. I've got to go get "Divinely Inspired" to write my book(s) that will change the lives of millions all around the world.
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