September 07, 2006

No such thing as a kosher fruit snack...

So, I was watching the Food Network the other day and they have that "Unwrapped" show. If you don't know that's where they go behind the scenes of producing the foods you and I love. Anyways, before they cut to a commercial they showed a little fact thing (usually my favorite part of the show since, as you know, random facts are my favorite things in the world). Well, this random fact would bring my world crashing down. I read on there that gelatin is made with pig intestines. It went on to say that this also includes fruit snacks. Honestly, normally I wouldn't care, but now that I'm converting to Judaism this causes a problem. It turns out that my entire conversion process heretofore has been a sham. All because of my love for Minute Maid Fruit Snacks.

Now I find myself in quite the quandary. I love my fruit snacks. I almost love them more than God. So what am I to do? I mean, right now it's kind of okay, but once I convert I want to keep as kosher as possible. But can I break my addiction to fruit snacks? I'm not sure. I'm sure God has some quota that you can't go over for those things. But I'd hate to take the risk and get to heaven and find out I could've been way closer in the presence of God but I just had to eat 36,574 packages of fruit snacks when the maximum was 36,573.

You know, you christians have it easy. You get to eat whatever you want and not be filled with guilt for almost every one of your actions. So far I've had to switch hot dog brands, cut out everything to drink except for water and a very certain apple juice (which is fine, since I was already doing that...but still) and I've had to do as little on saturdays as possible. Oh, and let's not forget my conversion process is way more complex than any Christian conversion. I mean, I have to sit in front of a court for crying out loud. Lest we also forget I also am going to be learning a whole other language, one that has a completely different form of writing and very weird uses for the phlegm you and I usually waste. No wonder the Jewish population is only .02% of the world's population. Converting to this religion kind of blows.

Oh, and let's not forget how you LDS people have it easy. Your "promised land" is like, 1000 miles away. Mine is halfway around the world. Plus, if you want to go to a central temple you're more than welcome to go. Me? I get to go to a wall. Titus was a freaking jerk.

The good news: I think once I convert I'm going to have a B'nai Mitzvah. It's an adult bar mitzvah for people who've converted. I think I might get some major dough in that. If I do have a B'nai Mitzvah, you're invited to come and bring an envelope full of money for me to have and waste on things.

Oh, I'm done.