July 01, 2006
Dialogue 3: Moses and God
G: Moses! This is the Lord! You've upset me...again
M: What did I do oh great Lord?
G: Psshhh...I'm just messing with ya. Hey, so how's the exile thingy going?
M: Not so well. We've hit what you might call a "road block"
G: Spike strips? Barricades? Chariots?
M: No, try an entire sea. These directions you gave me basically suck
G: Bite me. Why don't you just part the sea?
M: Oh yeah, okay. Let me just raise my hands, put my staff in the middle and say Ala-Cazzam, Ala-Cazzoo, Britney Spears' legs do it enough, how 'bout you? [Dead Sea begins to part] Holy crap! [To the group] Yo! Guys! Check out what I just did! C'mon, let's get movin'!
G: Yeah sure Moses, you're welcome.
M: Oh yeah, thanks God! Hey, so where are we off to next?
G: A mountain. I'm going to give you some rules
M: Oh, BS! Geez, God, why do you have to be such a buzzkill? I just get done parting an entire sea and you want to give us rules. Man...
G: Ok...Moses, do you not see you're still in an entire sea and you're surrounded by water. I'd recommend shutting the crap up. I can get this water going again, mister
M: Fine fine fine...I'll go to the mountain and get some rules from you
[Time passes, people die due to lack of water and food, you know, the usual in a mass exodus]
Okay God, I'm at that mountain. Mt. Sine, right?
G: Hey, noob! I said SinAI. Sinai, not Sine! You want the one two mountains to the left
M: Eff! [Says to group] Okay guys, let's get this thing moving again. Mr. Omniscient didn't enunciate, we want Sinai, two mountains to the left. [2 days pass] Okay God, we're at SinAI, now what?
G: Go to the top
M: [Makes way to top of Mt. Sinai, sees 61.3 tablets sitting, inscribed with rules] This is 613 rules!
G: And?
M: And?! Don't you find that a bit...excessive?
G: You do have a point. Why don't you pick out the ten best, and just tell them those
M: Finally, we agree on something. So we only have to follow ten of these?
G: No, just tell them ten. All 613 would make a lot more than 5 books for you, and people don't like reading that much
M: Well, okay, I'll go tell them the 10 I chose. [Moses tells the Jews still in the Exile the 10 Commandments. They begin to party and worship a bull, or riot and say that these rules are bull, the story is unclear] Idiots! What are you doing?! God's gonna be pis --
G: Moses! What are your people doing?!
M: Hey, you chose them
G: That's it, just go into the desert 'til I figure out what to do with you
[Moses' wife, Nag-a, turns to him during the 23rd year of wandering in the desert]
N: Moses, couldn't you have asked that nice man 4 years back the way to Israel?
M: No, Nag-a, I told you, were not lost, I know where we're going
N: If you know where we're going, how come you keep looking at that map?
M: Nag-a, all you do is ask me stupid questions. I'm looking at the map just to verify that I'm a genius...I know exactly where we are [Thinks to self] Okay, so God, just sort of help me out here. Which left was I supposed to take anyways?
[After another 17 years of wandering the desert, Moses finally arrives just outside of Israel]
Guys, we made it! C'mon, let's run to the promised land! [Moses begins running, trips and hits his head on a rock, killing him before he ever gets to enter the homeland for his people]
M: (Now in heaven) God, why did you let me die before reaching the Promised Land?
G: Look, did I say run? No. You know my cardinal rule, take the easiest way out in the long-run. Is running the easy way out in the long run? Heck no. See, if you would've been lazy like me you could've been fine. Look at me! I run an entire universe and never get off my Lay-Z-God chair!
M: Well, you couldn't have moved the rock so I wouldn't trip?
G: I wanted to watch you fall, I thought it would be funny. How was I supposed to know there would be another one right at the spot for your head?
M: Oh, I don't know, maybe you should've known because your, umm...what is it again? Oh yeah...GOD!
G: Yeah, well, it was worth it. The look on your face when you fell. [Imitates confused and scared look] Oh man, priceless...
M: Yeah, glad I could help you out...[whispers] jerk
G: What was that?!
M: Wha? Nothin'. Geez, you're a paranoid little fella, huh?
G: Hey, noob, you want to try being God? It's a little tough, and people get kind of upset, these two guys, Leo and Loeb tried killing me just the other day for fun. So excuse me for a little paranoia...[whispers] idiot
M: What was that?
The conversation continues on as such for all eternity.
M: What did I do oh great Lord?
G: Psshhh...I'm just messing with ya. Hey, so how's the exile thingy going?
M: Not so well. We've hit what you might call a "road block"
G: Spike strips? Barricades? Chariots?
M: No, try an entire sea. These directions you gave me basically suck
G: Bite me. Why don't you just part the sea?
M: Oh yeah, okay. Let me just raise my hands, put my staff in the middle and say Ala-Cazzam, Ala-Cazzoo, Britney Spears' legs do it enough, how 'bout you? [Dead Sea begins to part] Holy crap! [To the group] Yo! Guys! Check out what I just did! C'mon, let's get movin'!
G: Yeah sure Moses, you're welcome.
M: Oh yeah, thanks God! Hey, so where are we off to next?
G: A mountain. I'm going to give you some rules
M: Oh, BS! Geez, God, why do you have to be such a buzzkill? I just get done parting an entire sea and you want to give us rules. Man...
G: Ok...Moses, do you not see you're still in an entire sea and you're surrounded by water. I'd recommend shutting the crap up. I can get this water going again, mister
M: Fine fine fine...I'll go to the mountain and get some rules from you
[Time passes, people die due to lack of water and food, you know, the usual in a mass exodus]
Okay God, I'm at that mountain. Mt. Sine, right?
G: Hey, noob! I said SinAI. Sinai, not Sine! You want the one two mountains to the left
M: Eff! [Says to group] Okay guys, let's get this thing moving again. Mr. Omniscient didn't enunciate, we want Sinai, two mountains to the left. [2 days pass] Okay God, we're at SinAI, now what?
G: Go to the top
M: [Makes way to top of Mt. Sinai, sees 61.3 tablets sitting, inscribed with rules] This is 613 rules!
G: And?
M: And?! Don't you find that a bit...excessive?
G: You do have a point. Why don't you pick out the ten best, and just tell them those
M: Finally, we agree on something. So we only have to follow ten of these?
G: No, just tell them ten. All 613 would make a lot more than 5 books for you, and people don't like reading that much
M: Well, okay, I'll go tell them the 10 I chose. [Moses tells the Jews still in the Exile the 10 Commandments. They begin to party and worship a bull, or riot and say that these rules are bull, the story is unclear] Idiots! What are you doing?! God's gonna be pis --
G: Moses! What are your people doing?!
M: Hey, you chose them
G: That's it, just go into the desert 'til I figure out what to do with you
[Moses' wife, Nag-a, turns to him during the 23rd year of wandering in the desert]
N: Moses, couldn't you have asked that nice man 4 years back the way to Israel?
M: No, Nag-a, I told you, were not lost, I know where we're going
N: If you know where we're going, how come you keep looking at that map?
M: Nag-a, all you do is ask me stupid questions. I'm looking at the map just to verify that I'm a genius...I know exactly where we are [Thinks to self] Okay, so God, just sort of help me out here. Which left was I supposed to take anyways?
[After another 17 years of wandering the desert, Moses finally arrives just outside of Israel]
Guys, we made it! C'mon, let's run to the promised land! [Moses begins running, trips and hits his head on a rock, killing him before he ever gets to enter the homeland for his people]
M: (Now in heaven) God, why did you let me die before reaching the Promised Land?
G: Look, did I say run? No. You know my cardinal rule, take the easiest way out in the long-run. Is running the easy way out in the long run? Heck no. See, if you would've been lazy like me you could've been fine. Look at me! I run an entire universe and never get off my Lay-Z-God chair!
M: Well, you couldn't have moved the rock so I wouldn't trip?
G: I wanted to watch you fall, I thought it would be funny. How was I supposed to know there would be another one right at the spot for your head?
M: Oh, I don't know, maybe you should've known because your, umm...what is it again? Oh yeah...GOD!
G: Yeah, well, it was worth it. The look on your face when you fell. [Imitates confused and scared look] Oh man, priceless...
M: Yeah, glad I could help you out...[whispers] jerk
G: What was that?!
M: Wha? Nothin'. Geez, you're a paranoid little fella, huh?
G: Hey, noob, you want to try being God? It's a little tough, and people get kind of upset, these two guys, Leo and Loeb tried killing me just the other day for fun. So excuse me for a little paranoia...[whispers] idiot
M: What was that?
The conversation continues on as such for all eternity.
June 30, 2006
Dialogue 2: Isaac and God
I: God, I have some questions for you!
G: Isaac, I've been thinking...maybe you should ask this guy, Ken Jennings. He not only has his own board game out, but he won 72 straight games of this thing called Jeopardy
I: Riighht. So anyways, I've had a question in my mind for quite some time
G: Mm-hmm, g'head, shoot
I: Okay. I don't mean to sound greedy or anything, but can we make Israel just a tad bit bigger?
G: Why, you only have like 70 people in the tribe
I: I know, but how are we supposed to recruit with this little bit of land? The intrigue of finding out what the Dead Sea is all about is fading fast with the potential recruits
G: Did you try the "Chosen People" schtick?
I: I've tried everything. They won't bite unless they can move 500 cubits without going into their neighbor's yard
G: Tell you what. In a couple thousand years you can have this huge city called New York
I: Umm, why is it supposedly new? And does this city suck?
G: It's new because York kind of blew, so they went to this other area. And the city is a huge city, and pretty fun, provided you can get past the pee smell and seizure-causing lights
I: Hey, it has to be better than this hot crap-hole...er...I mean, deal. Hey, I've got another question I've been meaning to ask you
G: Go for it
I: What was the deal with me and the fire?
G: [Spits out drink] You and the what?
I: You know, the fire, sacrifice, you remember
G: [Thinks] Crap, if I told Abe once I told him a million times not to mention that.
I: Hello? God?!
G: Yeah yeah. Well, I explained it to your father a long long time ago. Basically, sarcasm wasn't exactly your father's forte
I: Okay, but why substitute me for a sheep? I mean, look at me! I was an attractive kid. I had a nice little tan, cute curly hair, little dimples...I was at least worth a cow!
G: Calm down. Remember, Honesty, Empathy, Respec --
I: O-Okay. But, seriously, don't you think thats sort of an undervaluing of your people?
G: Okay, Isaac, I've got a question for you. How come you always complain when we talk? Is it that hard to just be happy with what you got? So I've given you some hardships, big deal. You know the Chinese are working on this whole thing called Buddhism. You know what the first rule is for them? All life is suffering. Can you imagine how much I mess with them to get them to believe that?!
I: Firstly, were sort of busy solidifying our right to exist, so we don't exactly have time to take a gander at that right now. Secondly, who wants that depressing philosophy? I haven't even come close to that, and I'm a Jew!
G: I'm just saying, maybe you should take a look at other philosophies and ways of life
I: And I'm just saying maybe you should realize I'm worth a lot more than a sheep
G: Whatever. Hey, you still coming to my party this Friday?
I: I don't know, will I be up in time for temple?
G: If all goes well, no
I: G-man, you're crazy!
G: You know me IMac, party-hearty!
I: I'll see ya later man. [trails off] If all goes well, no. Hahaha...
G: Later Isaac. [Thinks] Whew...situation, handled. Dang you rule G-man!
G: Isaac, I've been thinking...maybe you should ask this guy, Ken Jennings. He not only has his own board game out, but he won 72 straight games of this thing called Jeopardy
I: Riighht. So anyways, I've had a question in my mind for quite some time
G: Mm-hmm, g'head, shoot
I: Okay. I don't mean to sound greedy or anything, but can we make Israel just a tad bit bigger?
G: Why, you only have like 70 people in the tribe
I: I know, but how are we supposed to recruit with this little bit of land? The intrigue of finding out what the Dead Sea is all about is fading fast with the potential recruits
G: Did you try the "Chosen People" schtick?
I: I've tried everything. They won't bite unless they can move 500 cubits without going into their neighbor's yard
G: Tell you what. In a couple thousand years you can have this huge city called New York
I: Umm, why is it supposedly new? And does this city suck?
G: It's new because York kind of blew, so they went to this other area. And the city is a huge city, and pretty fun, provided you can get past the pee smell and seizure-causing lights
I: Hey, it has to be better than this hot crap-hole...er...I mean, deal. Hey, I've got another question I've been meaning to ask you
G: Go for it
I: What was the deal with me and the fire?
G: [Spits out drink] You and the what?
I: You know, the fire, sacrifice, you remember
G: [Thinks] Crap, if I told Abe once I told him a million times not to mention that.
I: Hello? God?!
G: Yeah yeah. Well, I explained it to your father a long long time ago. Basically, sarcasm wasn't exactly your father's forte
I: Okay, but why substitute me for a sheep? I mean, look at me! I was an attractive kid. I had a nice little tan, cute curly hair, little dimples...I was at least worth a cow!
G: Calm down. Remember, Honesty, Empathy, Respec --
I: O-Okay. But, seriously, don't you think thats sort of an undervaluing of your people?
G: Okay, Isaac, I've got a question for you. How come you always complain when we talk? Is it that hard to just be happy with what you got? So I've given you some hardships, big deal. You know the Chinese are working on this whole thing called Buddhism. You know what the first rule is for them? All life is suffering. Can you imagine how much I mess with them to get them to believe that?!
I: Firstly, were sort of busy solidifying our right to exist, so we don't exactly have time to take a gander at that right now. Secondly, who wants that depressing philosophy? I haven't even come close to that, and I'm a Jew!
G: I'm just saying, maybe you should take a look at other philosophies and ways of life
I: And I'm just saying maybe you should realize I'm worth a lot more than a sheep
G: Whatever. Hey, you still coming to my party this Friday?
I: I don't know, will I be up in time for temple?
G: If all goes well, no
I: G-man, you're crazy!
G: You know me IMac, party-hearty!
I: I'll see ya later man. [trails off] If all goes well, no. Hahaha...
G: Later Isaac. [Thinks] Whew...situation, handled. Dang you rule G-man!
Dialogue Part 1: Abraham and God
Dialogue 1: Abraham and God
G: Abe, buddy, whats up?
A: Oh...hey Haschem
G: Abe, how long have we been talking now? You can cut out the Haschem stuff already, you can use the informal by now.
A: ...Informal?
G: Yeah, just call me what my friends call me: G-Unit
A: Ok, umm...I can call you a lot of names, but I don't know if G-Unit is one of them
G: Just do it! Geez, you're such a square Abe.
A: Fine, I'll call you G-Unit. I swear.... Anyways, G-Unit, I've got some questions and concerns.
G: Abe, you always want to talk serious. When was the last time we talked shop?
A: Well G-Unit, it's always the same thing. You know what I've been up to, since you're, y'know, omniscient and all; and it's sort of hard to relate to ,"Oh, I've been busy running the universe."
G: Touche. So, what were your concerns
A: Well, first off, someone ate all of my pork, now I have none. Think you can make me some more pork, per chance?
G: Tell you what I'll do. From now on, no more pork allowed
A: Wait -- I love my daily allottment of pork though
G: Too bad. You're probably not used to it yet, but it's my job to make life miserable for my chosen people
A: Okay, that's my other concern. Why do we have to be the chosen people, and me the leader? It's sort of, well, it's kind of a lot of pressure. And, well...
G: Abe, I know you're not crying right now!
A: I'm sorry, I'm just under a lot of pressure, you know? I mean, for example, today Isaac asked me why he doesn't have new shoes for the fall. He said he saw some Babylonian kids with new shoes, and he wants to keep up with the Akhbar's. I told him we didn't have the money. Then he said, and I quote, "But Daaad, you're the leader of God's chosen people, couldn't you just make some more money?" Now, honestly G-man --
G: G-Unit
A: G-Unit, how am I supposed to respond to that?
G: Oh, boo-hoo. My name is Abraham and my son uses my position to try to justify making more money. Try being God, ruler of Heaven and Earth, then talk to me about shoes and crap
A: Okay, but that doesn't help me much. How do I explain you pwning us and still being your chosen people?
G: Well, life sucks sometimes Abe, k? Deal with it...
A: But that doesn't help me...
G: [Turns to imaginary voice] Oh, whats that Mom? I've got to go inside now? Chores? Oh man, ok, let me say goodbye to Abe. Look, Abe, my Mom's calling me
A: But you don't have a --
G: Okay, see ya later Abe!
G: Abe, buddy, whats up?
A: Oh...hey Haschem
G: Abe, how long have we been talking now? You can cut out the Haschem stuff already, you can use the informal by now.
A: ...Informal?
G: Yeah, just call me what my friends call me: G-Unit
A: Ok, umm...I can call you a lot of names, but I don't know if G-Unit is one of them
G: Just do it! Geez, you're such a square Abe.
A: Fine, I'll call you G-Unit. I swear.... Anyways, G-Unit, I've got some questions and concerns.
G: Abe, you always want to talk serious. When was the last time we talked shop?
A: Well G-Unit, it's always the same thing. You know what I've been up to, since you're, y'know, omniscient and all; and it's sort of hard to relate to ,"Oh, I've been busy running the universe."
G: Touche. So, what were your concerns
A: Well, first off, someone ate all of my pork, now I have none. Think you can make me some more pork, per chance?
G: Tell you what I'll do. From now on, no more pork allowed
A: Wait -- I love my daily allottment of pork though
G: Too bad. You're probably not used to it yet, but it's my job to make life miserable for my chosen people
A: Okay, that's my other concern. Why do we have to be the chosen people, and me the leader? It's sort of, well, it's kind of a lot of pressure. And, well...
G: Abe, I know you're not crying right now!
A: I'm sorry, I'm just under a lot of pressure, you know? I mean, for example, today Isaac asked me why he doesn't have new shoes for the fall. He said he saw some Babylonian kids with new shoes, and he wants to keep up with the Akhbar's. I told him we didn't have the money. Then he said, and I quote, "But Daaad, you're the leader of God's chosen people, couldn't you just make some more money?" Now, honestly G-man --
G: G-Unit
A: G-Unit, how am I supposed to respond to that?
G: Oh, boo-hoo. My name is Abraham and my son uses my position to try to justify making more money. Try being God, ruler of Heaven and Earth, then talk to me about shoes and crap
A: Okay, but that doesn't help me much. How do I explain you pwning us and still being your chosen people?
G: Well, life sucks sometimes Abe, k? Deal with it...
A: But that doesn't help me...
G: [Turns to imaginary voice] Oh, whats that Mom? I've got to go inside now? Chores? Oh man, ok, let me say goodbye to Abe. Look, Abe, my Mom's calling me
A: But you don't have a --
G: Okay, see ya later Abe!
Introduction
So I'll shortly be posting The God Dialogues. The idea all began whilst reading a Woody Allen book, entitled Without Feathers. I actually stole the first dialogue (which isn't in the actual Dialogues) straight from the book. I put my own flavor into it of course, but the idea was completely Woody Allen's.
I've decided that over this summer, if nothing else, I will become a better writer of comedic prose. I think I have just the right amount of intelligence, ego, and sense of humor to pull it off. So far I'm not very good at it, at least when I compare myself to others. I'm trying though, and I will put it all on this page from now on, instead of sending e-mails to people.
I'm not quite sure why I'm doing this page exactly. I guess a part of me wants people to maybe read some of this and get humor out of it, without me forcing them to read this. I'm also getting tired of e-mails. I know people read them, but I want to make more people laugh and also to get criticism if possible. My lazy friends have yet to help me, but I'm assuming this is because they're taken aback by my pure comedic genius. I'm also going to post my "Random Question of the Every Other Day". Yes, that's the title of it, and no, I will not change it. I will then try to answer the question as best I can.
I honestly hope more than 3 people come to this place. I want to get feedback, and I want to maybe talk to people that I wouldn't normally talk to. Who knows, maybe by doing this I can actually have fun during this boring summer break, lord knows I need the help.
I've decided that over this summer, if nothing else, I will become a better writer of comedic prose. I think I have just the right amount of intelligence, ego, and sense of humor to pull it off. So far I'm not very good at it, at least when I compare myself to others. I'm trying though, and I will put it all on this page from now on, instead of sending e-mails to people.
I'm not quite sure why I'm doing this page exactly. I guess a part of me wants people to maybe read some of this and get humor out of it, without me forcing them to read this. I'm also getting tired of e-mails. I know people read them, but I want to make more people laugh and also to get criticism if possible. My lazy friends have yet to help me, but I'm assuming this is because they're taken aback by my pure comedic genius. I'm also going to post my "Random Question of the Every Other Day". Yes, that's the title of it, and no, I will not change it. I will then try to answer the question as best I can.
I honestly hope more than 3 people come to this place. I want to get feedback, and I want to maybe talk to people that I wouldn't normally talk to. Who knows, maybe by doing this I can actually have fun during this boring summer break, lord knows I need the help.
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