The real reasons behind my conversion

I've decided to write a blog that can hopefully more fully explain why I'm possibly converting to Judaism. This is a pretty big step in my life, so I'm taking it with the utmost seriousness.

First, I want to have a reason for why I think God hates me sometimes. As a Jew, I would be able to say it's not actual hate, it's that I'm one of God's chosen people. God gives the one he loves the hardest time out of the group. It's sort of like when you got those strange looks from your cousin (you know, the one from Arkansas). You knew, deep down, it wasn't that your cousin just wanted to have a good ol' southern time with his cousin; you knew you were his favorite cousin. It's definitely like that, except God wouldn't be from Arkansas...I think He's definitely from a more respected southern state, like the Florida panhandle.

Also, I'm thinking of converting because now, if I learn Hebrew, I can finally impress the ladies with a romantic language. Nothing says “Come hither” like hocking up a loogie when you say Chello. Plus, if I learn Hebrew, think of all the good use I could put it to; all the businessmen speak it. Not only that, but so many countries have it as their national language. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to a foreign country, or even a place within our own country and said to myself, “Man! If only I knew Hebrew, life would be so much easier!” I can't wait to interact with all these millions, maybe even billions, of people around the world.

Now, no conversion would be complete without stating the most obvious reason for conversion: the women. Just think, I can have my own Jewish woman. Someone to nag at me, to overly protect our child, and look hot while doing it. Yes, I'll have my own perfect woman, all because I converted to Judaism. If that's not incentive enough to convert to a religion I don't know what is.

So there you have it, my 3 main reasons for possibly converting to Judaism. I feel they're probably the most well thought out reasons for converting to any religion. I know you undoubtedly feel the same, which is why I feel comfortable sharing this with you.

Your career guide

I know there are many graduates and people in limbo about what careers they should have. In an effort to ease some fears, I have made a career guide for you based on your religion.

Catholic:

• Blue collar worker – Only applicable in the midwestern states of America

• Child molester – Years of seminary training and own parish required

• Child-bearer – For title you must have 4 kids or more

• Irish resistance fighter – Red hair and personal beer mug required

• Professional alcoholic – Irish preferred

• Crusader – Hatred of Islam required

Jew:

• Accountant

• Banker – Interest for gentiles only

• Doctor – Only available in California, Florida and New York

Mormon:

• Permanent missionary – Love of half-hearted letters and ability to indiscriminately spread religion to random people required

• Author of your own published journal – You could be the next Anne Frank, minus the oppression

• Genealogist – Six Degrees of Brigham Young

• Professional baby popper-outer

Muslim:

• Religious extremist – Ability to burn flags required

• Professional suicide bomber – One time only

• Oil tycoon – Must give back all fortunes to the West by buying European cars and Hollywood movies

Protestant:

• Televangelist – Must wrongly predict Armageddon at least once every 5 years

• Hate-monger – Hatred of Jews, Blacks, and Irish required. Love of Andrew Jackson preferred

• President – Must be white and Anglo-Saxon

Good morning viet-Lebanon!

Dear Hassan Nasrallah,

I've heard a lot about you on the news. I just wanted to let you know that you have my full support in what you're doing. I completely understand why you'd want more support and cooperation from the international community. Not only do you have the 4^th largest military in the Middle East, but you conduct yourselves with such class. Personally, I'm really surprised as to how your group hasn't gotten the respect it deserves yet.

I think the Jews should probably be wiped out of the earth, and Israel should just break off into the ocean. Trust me, as an American I get your point of view, sometimes I wish California would do the same. That's why I fully support Hezbollah's border raid into sovereign territory of a recognized country. I also understand why you took two of their soldiers captive; it worked so well for the Palestinians weeks earlier.

I'm just as shocked as you are that this extremely powerful military would attack you and attack buildings in which you disguise yourselves as civilians. I'm also shocked that they kill innocent civilians. Don't they get civilian shields aren't meant to be attacked, no matter how many of their innocent people you kill? It's pure bullocks if you ask me.

I will say one thing, though, you've definitely won the propaganda war. You keep addressing your fellow countrymen in such open forums. Not only do you tape interviews, but you make sure that no easily definable features are shown. Wow, you really do show great courage, and I'm sure your fellow citizens feel that you're right there with them, thousands of feet underground in a bunker.

Back to the war. Don't worry about running out of armaments for your troops. Iran and Syria will continue to provide you with their most premium weapons: missiles that lack any guidance what so ever. And don't worry about launching them, no one can see it anyways. I certainly hope this naval attack you talked about a week or two ago happens, I'd love to see the Hezbollah navy at work. Did you guys get the row boats with 2 oars or 4?

I certainly hope this unjust invasion by the Israelis is over soon. I'm still a little confused, though, do you think they're going to go for the prisoner exchange? Oh, you know they will, they're such wussies. Anyways, I just wanted to give you all my best and wish you good luck in your battle. I'll be sending American and Israeli flags in the next week along with some gasoline and some matches, happy burning!

Sincerely,

Garrett

PS – I love the beard look!