I've determined I might be unfit for a romantic relationship. I'm a little bit stubborn, sometimes easily upset, and I often joke, dare I say, too much. All in all, I think I might be too complex for any woman on this earth.
I recently took part in a free compatability profile on a dating site. Apparently a system based on 28 fundamentals on a good relationship don't work for me. I got done with this rigorous 1 hour time waster, and it came back that out of a membership of literally millions, there's no match for me that's even close. They didn't even say sign up and we'll help you out. The site said, at the end, sometimes this system just doesn't work for people. It went on to read, "So get your confounding, screwed-up, lonely self back to nights in at home watching C-Span, geek!"
But, it's not just that that has shown me I'm completely incompatible with someone. I had a chance with a great girl once. I wasn't in love or anything, but it could've gotten there, I'm sure. She was beautiful, great personality, fun to be around, sarcastic, didn't smell and could get in and out of her house without the use of a forklift; she was all a guy could ask for. My problem? Well, out of all the problems to have with someone, I determined she was too nice. Yes, it turns out I need a mean, bossy girl. But, in my incompatible world, she can't be too bossy. No, she has to be nice sometimes, bossy at others. This combined with the need for her to have great hair puts me at a disadvantage. You can have one or two of those things, but not all three. Of course, I need all 3 in a woman. I'm picky. Yes, I'm picky, in a sea that probably has 2 fish for my choosing.
That's not the worst, however. As I've stated previously, I'm quick to get upset. This is great when you're arguing with a customer service employee, since you'll probably get free crap, but horrible in relationships. I don't even give people a chance anymore. If the "perfect" woman even gives me the slightest bit of attitude I don't like I'd likely give her an emotional slap in the face and walk off (note: emotional slap in the face means I'd make her feel really bad, then walk away as the victim, not hitting her). Dr. Phil sometimes asks his guests if they'd rather be right or happy. If I were on his show, I'd say I'd rather be right, because I am, and just be sort of content. Apparently this isn't the attitude for a winning relationship.
So, there it is. Why I'll be alone for quite some time, if not forever. Oh well, at least I'm cooler than everyone else.
August 04, 2006
August 03, 2006
Ladies: How to know a man (in the non-biblical sense)
After careful thought and review, I've decided to post the weird things that guys do and think as a preliminary guide to clear up any questions
Men are inherently bad at keeping female friends as just friends. We suck at it. This isn't always driven by a sexual motive like some women might think. We're not beasts with a one-track mind for lustful pleasures. We want companionship. But, we figure if you look good, we might as well combine talking time with making out time. We like to work efficiently. It doesn't help that most guys only hang out with girls they think are attractive. I honestly have no explanation for this, but it seems to be the truth without fail. I think it has something to do with survival of the human species. Most friendships end with the opposite sex, however, after years of mixed signals from women. Examples of mixed signals might include: smiling, waving, saying hello extra cheerfully, talking to us about serious things, or breathing while around us.
Men also like to insult each other. It's how we show our love for one another. I'd never call someone I didn't like an idiot. Women, if a guy calls you a pathetic loser you might want to think about his true feelings for you. In guy talk that's one step away from "Marry me, please!" We do this with our guy friends as well. Almost every guy does this. Well, except for theatre kids, but ask the army about what kind of people are in community theatre. The only way for a man to show he respects you is to make you feel like garbage. It's the way the world operates because, in James Brown's words, "This is a man's world!"
Most guys also hate shopping just to shop. Very few of us go out just to browse and maybe buy something. A real man can be in and out of any mall in 10 minutes or less. We know what we want, we take it, and we get the heck out. I think this might be why women aren't allowed to serve combat duty; they care too much about shooting (i.e. buying) the right person. Men hate shopping because it takes too much time, and, in a perfect world, companies would make clothes that lasted forever so we didn't need to buy new crap. Besides, jeans and a t-shirt are all-purpose clothes.
This generation of males are also really into video games. We figure, if nothing else, we'll be able to upstage the previous generation in a thumb-wrestling match after all of our strenuous exercise. Plus, nothing says fun like having sex with a hooker, paying her, then beating her to death so you can get your money back. Stupid pro, dough is for Joe.
I'm sure there are many other things that men do that are "weird" to those of the fairer sex. If you'd like a set of specific questions answered, please let me know and I will make a part two addressing any questions/concerns/comments. Post a comment with them, message me, or e-mail me at free.utah@gmail.com
Men are inherently bad at keeping female friends as just friends. We suck at it. This isn't always driven by a sexual motive like some women might think. We're not beasts with a one-track mind for lustful pleasures. We want companionship. But, we figure if you look good, we might as well combine talking time with making out time. We like to work efficiently. It doesn't help that most guys only hang out with girls they think are attractive. I honestly have no explanation for this, but it seems to be the truth without fail. I think it has something to do with survival of the human species. Most friendships end with the opposite sex, however, after years of mixed signals from women. Examples of mixed signals might include: smiling, waving, saying hello extra cheerfully, talking to us about serious things, or breathing while around us.
Men also like to insult each other. It's how we show our love for one another. I'd never call someone I didn't like an idiot. Women, if a guy calls you a pathetic loser you might want to think about his true feelings for you. In guy talk that's one step away from "Marry me, please!" We do this with our guy friends as well. Almost every guy does this. Well, except for theatre kids, but ask the army about what kind of people are in community theatre. The only way for a man to show he respects you is to make you feel like garbage. It's the way the world operates because, in James Brown's words, "This is a man's world!"
Most guys also hate shopping just to shop. Very few of us go out just to browse and maybe buy something. A real man can be in and out of any mall in 10 minutes or less. We know what we want, we take it, and we get the heck out. I think this might be why women aren't allowed to serve combat duty; they care too much about shooting (i.e. buying) the right person. Men hate shopping because it takes too much time, and, in a perfect world, companies would make clothes that lasted forever so we didn't need to buy new crap. Besides, jeans and a t-shirt are all-purpose clothes.
This generation of males are also really into video games. We figure, if nothing else, we'll be able to upstage the previous generation in a thumb-wrestling match after all of our strenuous exercise. Plus, nothing says fun like having sex with a hooker, paying her, then beating her to death so you can get your money back. Stupid pro, dough is for Joe.
I'm sure there are many other things that men do that are "weird" to those of the fairer sex. If you'd like a set of specific questions answered, please let me know and I will make a part two addressing any questions/concerns/comments. Post a comment with them, message me, or e-mail me at free.utah@gmail.com
Water: Man's biggest addiction
It's 4 p.m. I look down at my table, 4 large bottles of water are before me, all empty. I get up. I go to the restroom. On my way back to the couch, I take a detour to the refrigerator to grab a bottle of water. It hits me: I'm addicted, and you are too. Yes, citizens of the United States, we're addicted to water, the oppressor of Man everywhere.
As we've sat back and let politicians and religious zealots make decisions about our alcohol consumption and dieticians tell us soda is bad for us, we've had a monster lurking amongst us. We all need it. We can't function without it. Our body craves it, our mind wants it, and we give in to the demon every so often. We drink it with meals now, we drink it from bottles filtered for purity or from faucets that give it a distinct metal taste. All the while we let it take over our lives; water is the real evil.
I looked up some diseases today. Malaria is brought forth from mosquitoes, an insect that without water would not be around. Dysentary is often brought on by drinking unclean water. Yet the people continue to drink it. We continue to drink it not because we like it, or because we think it's good for us, we drink it because we're addicted to it. All the while thousands, even millions die from bacterium and diseases caused directly or indirectly from water consumption.
Earlier this year I watched scenes from Lawrence of Arabia. You know why some people get killed in the middle east? It's not because of any sort of religious extremism or a crazy leader, it's because someone drank from another person's well. A poor civilian was killed because of his need for a water fix, and his killer was only happy to oblige in offering violence as a stranger stole from his "private stash".
And what about poor Lassie? Lassie almost lost her owner countless times, and her owner almost lost his friends countless times, all because of water. In an effort to get a cool refreshment, these poor children fell and got stuck in wells. But this is no Hollywood story. This happens every day, to children just like the ones you love. In an effort to cool down they reach into the belly of the beast, trying to get their first fix of water in a while, when they fall into a deep crevasse, never to be seen or heard again. You might see a rescue story on the news about such a child: they're the lucky ones, saved just before imminent doom. Most aren't so lucky.
I say, no more! We must fight back against the ills that water has brought forth unto our society, and the world as a whole. We must fight back. We must break the yoke of oppression! Boycott water, write letters to your congressman, and let the world know we will not take this oppression any longer! Faithful readers, we must unite, we must fight back, we must stop the madness!
As we've sat back and let politicians and religious zealots make decisions about our alcohol consumption and dieticians tell us soda is bad for us, we've had a monster lurking amongst us. We all need it. We can't function without it. Our body craves it, our mind wants it, and we give in to the demon every so often. We drink it with meals now, we drink it from bottles filtered for purity or from faucets that give it a distinct metal taste. All the while we let it take over our lives; water is the real evil.
I looked up some diseases today. Malaria is brought forth from mosquitoes, an insect that without water would not be around. Dysentary is often brought on by drinking unclean water. Yet the people continue to drink it. We continue to drink it not because we like it, or because we think it's good for us, we drink it because we're addicted to it. All the while thousands, even millions die from bacterium and diseases caused directly or indirectly from water consumption.
Earlier this year I watched scenes from Lawrence of Arabia. You know why some people get killed in the middle east? It's not because of any sort of religious extremism or a crazy leader, it's because someone drank from another person's well. A poor civilian was killed because of his need for a water fix, and his killer was only happy to oblige in offering violence as a stranger stole from his "private stash".
And what about poor Lassie? Lassie almost lost her owner countless times, and her owner almost lost his friends countless times, all because of water. In an effort to get a cool refreshment, these poor children fell and got stuck in wells. But this is no Hollywood story. This happens every day, to children just like the ones you love. In an effort to cool down they reach into the belly of the beast, trying to get their first fix of water in a while, when they fall into a deep crevasse, never to be seen or heard again. You might see a rescue story on the news about such a child: they're the lucky ones, saved just before imminent doom. Most aren't so lucky.
I say, no more! We must fight back against the ills that water has brought forth unto our society, and the world as a whole. We must fight back. We must break the yoke of oppression! Boycott water, write letters to your congressman, and let the world know we will not take this oppression any longer! Faithful readers, we must unite, we must fight back, we must stop the madness!
August 01, 2006
Question of the Week 8-1-06
Question: Why do stupid and manipulative people get rewarded? (Submitted by one Shana Brown)
Answer:
Stupid people are rewarded simply because stupid people are awesome. Without stupid people, at whom would we laugh? I'll tell you who we'd laugh at: crippies. And no one really likes to laugh at people who can't walk, but when there's a lack of stupid people, where are we to go for giggles? By rewarding stupid people we breed more stupid people at which to laugh, thereby creating a cycle of stupid, with laughs being the payoff for the non-stupid people, money or other rewards for stupid people, and a lack of teasing for crippled people. It's what America runs upon, and I, for one, would like to see more stupid people. Yes, I would like to see more stupid people in America. We must reward more stupid people, so we can have more laughs! Smart people unite!
The answer to why we reward manipulative people is quite simple: they're manipulative. Meriam-Webster's online dictionary defines manipulative as such:
Any adult who is manipulative doesn't really matter, however. They often manipulate by sucking up and being jerks. While no one really minds a jerk, a jerk that is a suck-up is the worst. Even God hates them. While they often get their rewards, most people hate them and will eventually "accidentally" punch them in the face, and keep doing so for minutes on end. This is what we like to call ironic, since now we're manipulating a person to shut the crap up by punching them. What a vicious cycle life is.
Hopefully this answers your question Shana Brown. If not, I'll send you a free T-Shirt of...well something that has nothing to do with this site, since my graphic designer, uh, doesn't exist.
Answer:
Stupid people are rewarded simply because stupid people are awesome. Without stupid people, at whom would we laugh? I'll tell you who we'd laugh at: crippies. And no one really likes to laugh at people who can't walk, but when there's a lack of stupid people, where are we to go for giggles? By rewarding stupid people we breed more stupid people at which to laugh, thereby creating a cycle of stupid, with laughs being the payoff for the non-stupid people, money or other rewards for stupid people, and a lack of teasing for crippled people. It's what America runs upon, and I, for one, would like to see more stupid people. Yes, I would like to see more stupid people in America. We must reward more stupid people, so we can have more laughs! Smart people unite!
The answer to why we reward manipulative people is quite simple: they're manipulative. Meriam-Webster's online dictionary defines manipulative as such:
2 a : to manage or utilize skillfully b : to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantageNow, anyone who can control and apply artful, unfair, or insidious means to one's own advantage must be pretty good at getting rewards. While these people often employ the worst terrorist tactics to get what they want, such as crying or hitting, said people are often rewarded after a while. I don't know about you, faithful reader, but I can only take so much of a kid holding their breath before I give in. I know they'll be able to breathe eventually, but they never get out of the way of the TV when they do this little trick. Sneaky little kids.
3 : to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose
Any adult who is manipulative doesn't really matter, however. They often manipulate by sucking up and being jerks. While no one really minds a jerk, a jerk that is a suck-up is the worst. Even God hates them. While they often get their rewards, most people hate them and will eventually "accidentally" punch them in the face, and keep doing so for minutes on end. This is what we like to call ironic, since now we're manipulating a person to shut the crap up by punching them. What a vicious cycle life is.
Hopefully this answers your question Shana Brown. If not, I'll send you a free T-Shirt of...well something that has nothing to do with this site, since my graphic designer, uh, doesn't exist.
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