Firstly, it should be noted I've ditched question of the every other day. It might now become question of the week. I just don't have that many questions. lol.
Anyways, today was orientation at PSU. Seriously, what a waste. So I get there with about 40 minutes to spare. I thought I'd need it, since I was sure a lot of people would be there which usually equates to a big line. Well, this was one bureaucracy that was running smoothly. I got my packet and stuff within a minute. So, I had 40 minutes to kill, with no one around to talk to.
I guess a lot of these kids can't get rid of their parents, or don't want to. I was basically the only one who's parents didn't come with them. Thank God, the last thing I need is my Dad hitting on college girls that just got out of jailbait status. To be honest though, I'm a little bit worried about the women at PSU. There were lots of fob's, lots of preppie types, a few ghetto superstars, but almost no one I found attractive. Actually, the hottest person I saw was an academic advisor. I've so got to go in and get help with my classes now.
I read some of my Milton Friedman stuff while I was there. He's so cool. I told my niece to call Milton Friedman "Uncle Milt" while we were watching him on Charlie Rose (she was 2, but she liked it as long as I spun her around). Milt Friedman is the man by the way. He's like me: basically a libertarian, but just can't bring himself to register libertarian. I think if it weren't for Barbara being so ripped he would've punched George Bush, Sr. in the face for screwing over our economy, though Reagan sort of gave it to him in a bad shape.
So at lunch time I talked with two people, which is pretty darn good for me since I don't really do the whole "New People" thing. One was cool, Melissa, an OL (Orientation Leader). The other was pure psycho. She just came up, started talking like we were the best of friends, but didn't realize that I hate conversations like the one she forced upon me. Seriously, what a weirdo. Apparently some guy tried some crime against her (I'm assuming rape, which proves that rapists go for the ones they feel they can overpower rather than the people they think are hot). Well, she said he ended up with a paralyzed left arm and something else. She must have been from East Germany.
After lunch we went to this hour-long discussion on what you needed to graduate. Mind you, this information is in the packet of random papers they gave us, as well as in our course schedule and bulletin (catalog). Basically, incoming freshman are presumed illiterate until proven non-remedial. Oh, and some parents got really mad because she said that it's easier for students to just mail their grades to the parents then getting some form signed by the students and having to check online. Some parent said "Well, I'd prefer to do it myself, it's not rocket science." Adam (this guy I met) and myself looked at each other and both basically said "But it is computer science". Unfortunately one of the parents on her side was next to us, and we got a stare of death.
Next we got rid of the parents and got into small groups. Of course ours had to incorporate another group, I'm saying we were Microsoft in this one, since I refuse to give up the supremacy status of any group I'm in. I was the smart-alec of the group, and I gave my cute OL a hard time. I think she thinks I wanted her. She's very intuitive.
After this my day was almost over. I had to meet with my history adviser who reminded me of President Muffley in Dr. Strangelove (bumbling, somewhat unprepared, etc.) I understand his situation, however, since he had just administered final exams for his last summer course and I'm sure wanted to get this horrible summer over with as quickly as possible. None the less, you should always come prepared, or at least act like you did.
Now I just had to register for classes. But, my adviser failed to let us know that we needed to pick them in that session. Granted, I only really needed to pick one so I could test my account out, but still. I've decided I'm signing up for Intro. to Judaism, since the Old Testament is where all the sex and blood is at anyways, as well as On Democracy (my freshman inquiry class) and Western civilizations. I'm still looking for another good class, but it's hard to figure out what I want that fits into my schedule. Anyways, I went to go fill out this paper they make you do before you can sign up in order to "speed up the process". Of course, when your ID and PIN don't work, the process is about 45 minutes longer than anyone else's. In the meantime you save your spot, so basically it's taking that great efficiency we had at the beginning of the orientation and flushing it down the toilet. This is why I hate bureaucracies. They start out strong, then fizzle.
All in all, I wasted 6 hours of my time. I could've been looking for a job. I could've been in air conditioning. I could've tipped a cow. All these things and more I could have done, had it not been for my required orientation session. Good job, PSU, I can tell we're going to grow to love each other!
July 20, 2006
July 17, 2006
I had him: Garrett disects weird sayings
"I had him in ____": This phrase probably started as a way to disseminate the skanks in a class from the non-skanky ones. I'm sure some leather jacket wearing teenage male with blue jeans and slick-backed hair told his friends he "had" a girl in class alright. This was probably followed with "giggity-giggity-GOO". The friends thought he simply meant he had previously met the girl in a class they took together. Eventually it became a mainstay in the teenager's lexicon.
"______-ing like a madman": I have no idea where this started. Though linguists at Berkely have some interesting theories including England and a king, there are no solid leads. I personally don't think many of the things we do really deserve this phrase, however. Unless you've been "killing" like a madman or "yelling expletives" like a madman or "riding nuclear bombs as they rain down on russia" like a madman. I don't think madmen do many of the productive things we say a madman does. Unless you've been running into white padded walls lately you should probably remove this simile from your vocabulary.
"Holy crap/$#!T" (that actually looks a lot like the word): This obviously points back to when Jesus was crucified. As we all know, the one way to tell if a person is dead is if they lose control of their bowels. Well, Jesus definitely died. Upon seeing this, one of the apostles (presumably Matthew), always the observational humorist, commented, "Holy crap!" From that day forth it became a phrase after you've seen or heard something unexpected. Definitely a "keeper" phrase.
"What's up?": This phrase began when Sir Isaac Newton published his Principia. In this he detailed the conversation that led to his discovery of gravity. At the time Newton was in a neckbrace after a grueling Quiz Bowl, in which he pinched a nerve. He was now in a brace and could only look down and straight ahead. A local jester (the medieval equivalent of Tom Green) came by and jokingly asked "The Newt" (as Sir Isaac Newton was then known as) "Whats up?" The Newt, upset at this remark saw a fallen apple, hurled it at him and said, "There that's whats up. Wait...now it's down. Hmmm..." That story solidified "What's up?" as a medieval pop-culture staple, and it remains so today.
So there you have it, the real beginnings and explanations of the phrases we all use. Feel free to email any phrases that might be of interest to you. As always, free.utah@gmail.com
"______-ing like a madman": I have no idea where this started. Though linguists at Berkely have some interesting theories including England and a king, there are no solid leads. I personally don't think many of the things we do really deserve this phrase, however. Unless you've been "killing" like a madman or "yelling expletives" like a madman or "riding nuclear bombs as they rain down on russia" like a madman. I don't think madmen do many of the productive things we say a madman does. Unless you've been running into white padded walls lately you should probably remove this simile from your vocabulary.
"Holy crap/$#!T" (that actually looks a lot like the word): This obviously points back to when Jesus was crucified. As we all know, the one way to tell if a person is dead is if they lose control of their bowels. Well, Jesus definitely died. Upon seeing this, one of the apostles (presumably Matthew), always the observational humorist, commented, "Holy crap!" From that day forth it became a phrase after you've seen or heard something unexpected. Definitely a "keeper" phrase.
"What's up?": This phrase began when Sir Isaac Newton published his Principia. In this he detailed the conversation that led to his discovery of gravity. At the time Newton was in a neckbrace after a grueling Quiz Bowl, in which he pinched a nerve. He was now in a brace and could only look down and straight ahead. A local jester (the medieval equivalent of Tom Green) came by and jokingly asked "The Newt" (as Sir Isaac Newton was then known as) "Whats up?" The Newt, upset at this remark saw a fallen apple, hurled it at him and said, "There that's whats up. Wait...now it's down. Hmmm..." That story solidified "What's up?" as a medieval pop-culture staple, and it remains so today.
So there you have it, the real beginnings and explanations of the phrases we all use. Feel free to email any phrases that might be of interest to you. As always, free.utah@gmail.com
Fuzzy Cats and Bombs
Over the course of a few years, I've seen many news stories come and go. I've watched as the most successful articles are published. That's not to say that the less-popular articles are bad, they just sometimes lack a certain amount of 'zazz. I've decided to inform potential journalists of America how to write an award-winning article without having ever done it myself, of course.
The first thing you need to do is create a story. An okay reporter just tells you the facts. A good reporter tells you the facts, but makes a story to go along with those facts. A great reporter skips what the okay reporter does, and just makes up a story. The best thing to do is write what you want to say. For example, I want to report in a newspaper that today, Martians invaded Earth and have killed thousands of people. That's my story. Do I have facts to back it up? Hell no. But, wait, what's this? A world-famous person did a radio show announcing the same thing? Well, let's get that transcript and let everyone know that we have a source backing us up. See, now Martians have officially invaded Earth, the media told me so.
Of course, no story is good without a loveable character. This is where you get an animal involved. For our story, an animal is the first one killed. We'll go even further to say that it is the animals who unite and try to take back planet earth. Our lead for this will be a border collie named Lascivious, or Lassie for short. Remember, when reporting, cliche is good, but outright name stealing is best.
Now that you've got a hero all picked out for your news story, you must figure out how to have a happy ending. You must always remember your audience's lives are crappy, so you must make them better. We started off with a furry animal being killed, but now it's the Martians turn. The animals unite, get M-16's (these animals buy American, always) and go out and kill some Martian butt. If you have a dog or two flying a plane, even better. Drop some bunker-busters on those space freaks. The more blood and guts the better. The story will end after a prolonged battle and the total destruction of martian civilization.
You're not home-free yet. After all of this you've got to think of a title for your award-winning news story. The title can't give away the story. "Martians Attack" gives it away. Keep it cryptic. Asking the reader a question is usually a good way to go. "Did Martians Attack?" or "Is the World Under Attack?" should work. When in doubt, go for a short title. "The" should get you a Peabody in no time.
There you have it, your key to writing a winning article. Remember "fuzzy cats and bombs" and every news article you write will be a winner!
One way to raise a roof
So I just read that the New York doctor who blew himself up in his house has died. I must say I am shocked at this development. Usually, me, some TNT and a match get along just fine at a house party. I hope before he died someone reminded him he didn't have the proper insurance to file a claim.
The good news is the man didn't have to spend thousands of dollars on remodeling. I'm assuming this guy has always been the "do-it-yourself" type. Of course this douche left the job half-done, much like that faucet he said he'd fix 6 years ago. It still drips, idiot!
I definitely support his reasoning behind this act, though. I wouldn't want to give my house up to some two-timing hussie. I'll bet she was one of the wives Ann Coulter was talking about, you know, those 9/11 whores. Personally, after a breakup I never give anything back unless I've at least peed on it.
The only thing I'm upset at this guy for is bringing down the property value of the neighborhood. It's going to be pretty hard selling houses in that area. How do you come back from explaining that? Right next door is where some psycho doctor blew his house up and died. Oh, look at those chrysanthemums though, huh? I mean, wow, what a garden.
But, now the guy is in heaven. Or, at least in the waiting line, he drew 8,574,674,342,895. The good news: Heaven has rent-control!
The good news is the man didn't have to spend thousands of dollars on remodeling. I'm assuming this guy has always been the "do-it-yourself" type. Of course this douche left the job half-done, much like that faucet he said he'd fix 6 years ago. It still drips, idiot!
I definitely support his reasoning behind this act, though. I wouldn't want to give my house up to some two-timing hussie. I'll bet she was one of the wives Ann Coulter was talking about, you know, those 9/11 whores. Personally, after a breakup I never give anything back unless I've at least peed on it.
The only thing I'm upset at this guy for is bringing down the property value of the neighborhood. It's going to be pretty hard selling houses in that area. How do you come back from explaining that? Right next door is where some psycho doctor blew his house up and died. Oh, look at those chrysanthemums though, huh? I mean, wow, what a garden.
But, now the guy is in heaven. Or, at least in the waiting line, he drew 8,574,674,342,895. The good news: Heaven has rent-control!
July 16, 2006
Israel: Wow they own
Everyday I've looked at the news on my Firefox news feeds and seen the same thing: World War 3 is starting. I personally have no fears about this, since I know Jesus has a safety bunker for people like me. But you sinners out there might be wondering how to stop WW3 from happening. Well let me inform you that there is a simple solution: Kill Bill, namely Bill Ahmad Ali-Shareefinibob.
We must get rid of the Islamic Fundamentalists in the world. In order to do this, we must get rid of those that harbor terrorists. In order to do this, we must stay the course with our Israeli allies. Let's face it, out of the choices we have, they happen to be the most even-tempered choice we've got. Nothing says calm like invading a country after two battle-hardened soldiers are kidnapped. Besides, no one wants to side with a force that shoots bottle rockets into a town. I mean, honestly, you call that a militia? American militias didn't even do that, we had, you know, tactics. The second a terrorist group comes out with a set of rules for engagement is when we'll think about siding with them. Of course, those rules will be in Arabic, so we'll just presume its gibberish and keep siding with the Israelis.
The middle east is in crisis right now. I know this because I've seen that exact headline on Fox News, MSNBC, CNN, CNN Headline News, CBS Evening News, NBC Nightly News, the News Hour with Jim Lehrer, and the Outdoor Life Network. Personally, I know my ideas will work. All we have to do is let Israel take over the middle east, one country at a time. By doing so we do a few things. We guarantee the right for Israel to exist, since, well, once they invade Arabs will welcome them with open arms. The second thing we will do is ensure that we've done our part to fulfill Revelations. There's nothing like a human letting know God how to speed up His process. By doing this we ensure ourselves a cozy spot in heaven. Unless, you know, God's real name is Allah, in which case we might be screwed. Of course, what are the odds of that being the truth?
So there you have it, the way to solve the problems in the Middle East. All we have to do is keep doing what we're doing. Oh, and Hezbollah, you're about to have your Hezboll-ass handed to you, kosher style!
Question of the Every Other Day, 7-16-06
Question: What do you think about the people who say we wrongfully went into Iraq (submitted by JT)
Answer:
First, JT, let me thank you for the question. If I were to make T-Shirts for the blog and sell them for $25 each you'd get a $1 discount. I care about my loyal visitors.
To those people that say we wrongfully went into Iraq let me tell you that you don't know what it's like to be the President. He has to make tough decisions all the time, and he can't be bothered to make sure we go to war for the right reasons. That's one of those menial tasks he lets his minions take care of. Besides, what's going to happen? A long drawn-out insurgency and widespread corruption while re-building (or just plain first-time building) an entire country's infrastructure? Highly unlikely.
Now, I know what some of you are thinking. What about General Schoihodhoih-sky saying we needed to send in more troops from the start? Well, I say BALDERDASH. The amount of troops we sent in was fine. In fact, I'd say we sent in way too many. You give me an M-16 and a little camouflage paint and I could've done the job in 6 months tops. I know I can, I've had extensive training playing SOCOM 2 on Playstation 2. General Schohjhkusrh-sky should've known better. If he didn't, well he sure does now as he sees our troops totally pwning insurgents every day.
Some of you flag-burning hippies probably still aren't convinced that America was right in this one. What about the wmd's? You ask. Why did George Tenet essentially get a promotion after saying that the case against Iraq was a "slam dunk"? Let me tell you something right now, commies, we found the wmd's. We found 500 of them. We knew where they were because we sold them to Iraq. Let me tell you something else, America, George Tenet got no repercussions for what he said because he doesn't even remember saying it. You can't punish a guy for something he can't remember doing. I mean, C'mon, what kind of a country do you think this is?
The next issue brought up is this link that Iraq had to Al-Qaeda/terrorists. Well, I wasn't supposed to reveal this, but I know for a fact that Saddam Hussein was linked with religious zealots. It was only a matter of time before Osama Bin Laden got to him. See, you've got to look into the future on these sorts of things. It was only a matter of time before Iraq became one of the hot-spots of terrorism in the middle-east, with Shias coming from Syria and Iran to help de-stabilize the Middle East. I'm sure glad we stopped that from happening.
Let me, lastly, refute this idea that we went into Iraq for oil. This is completely untrue. Of course, we sure could've used it, since God-hating Libs refuse to let us drill for oil that may or may not exist in Alaska. You know, no good comes in life if we don't spoil nature in the world to find one of the biggest contributors to pollution. The fact that we're simply getting oil from them now means nothing. It's called spoils of war, people. C'mon, W.T. Sherman did it in the Civil War, and no southerner cared. Get with the program.
I'm glad I've shown you America-haters the truth that's out there. We're doing a great job in Iraq, and I'm glad we went in. Oh, and Iran! We have you surrounded!
Answer:
First, JT, let me thank you for the question. If I were to make T-Shirts for the blog and sell them for $25 each you'd get a $1 discount. I care about my loyal visitors.
To those people that say we wrongfully went into Iraq let me tell you that you don't know what it's like to be the President. He has to make tough decisions all the time, and he can't be bothered to make sure we go to war for the right reasons. That's one of those menial tasks he lets his minions take care of. Besides, what's going to happen? A long drawn-out insurgency and widespread corruption while re-building (or just plain first-time building) an entire country's infrastructure? Highly unlikely.
Now, I know what some of you are thinking. What about General Schoihodhoih-sky saying we needed to send in more troops from the start? Well, I say BALDERDASH. The amount of troops we sent in was fine. In fact, I'd say we sent in way too many. You give me an M-16 and a little camouflage paint and I could've done the job in 6 months tops. I know I can, I've had extensive training playing SOCOM 2 on Playstation 2. General Schohjhkusrh-sky should've known better. If he didn't, well he sure does now as he sees our troops totally pwning insurgents every day.
Some of you flag-burning hippies probably still aren't convinced that America was right in this one. What about the wmd's? You ask. Why did George Tenet essentially get a promotion after saying that the case against Iraq was a "slam dunk"? Let me tell you something right now, commies, we found the wmd's. We found 500 of them. We knew where they were because we sold them to Iraq. Let me tell you something else, America, George Tenet got no repercussions for what he said because he doesn't even remember saying it. You can't punish a guy for something he can't remember doing. I mean, C'mon, what kind of a country do you think this is?
The next issue brought up is this link that Iraq had to Al-Qaeda/terrorists. Well, I wasn't supposed to reveal this, but I know for a fact that Saddam Hussein was linked with religious zealots. It was only a matter of time before Osama Bin Laden got to him. See, you've got to look into the future on these sorts of things. It was only a matter of time before Iraq became one of the hot-spots of terrorism in the middle-east, with Shias coming from Syria and Iran to help de-stabilize the Middle East. I'm sure glad we stopped that from happening.
Let me, lastly, refute this idea that we went into Iraq for oil. This is completely untrue. Of course, we sure could've used it, since God-hating Libs refuse to let us drill for oil that may or may not exist in Alaska. You know, no good comes in life if we don't spoil nature in the world to find one of the biggest contributors to pollution. The fact that we're simply getting oil from them now means nothing. It's called spoils of war, people. C'mon, W.T. Sherman did it in the Civil War, and no southerner cared. Get with the program.
I'm glad I've shown you America-haters the truth that's out there. We're doing a great job in Iraq, and I'm glad we went in. Oh, and Iran! We have you surrounded!
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