December 27, 2006

The Zone

Welcome to the Friend Zone. You've undoubtedly heard of this place in obscure texts and the backrooms of bars, but I'm here to welcome you to the real thing. Within this you will find out how to tell if you're in the Friend Zone, what it means, and the permanent disarray your life will soon fall into.

First, before anything else, you must know whether or not you're in the Friend Zone. Do any of these phrases sound familiar (and you're not dating the person)? "I love you", "You're like a brother to me", "You're my best guy friend", or "Braid my hair"? If these sound familiar, welcome to the friend zone.

Now, we must define what it means to be in the Friend Zone. To be in the friend zone means you will have a lack of romantic relationships. This isn't a death sentence for your romance life, but it will probably mean you'll be without a woman until you're at least 65. But, most likely, you'll die without ever having gone out with a woman. You will, though, be the first one all of your girl friends (note the space) call or talk to when they have a problem or need some upliftment. Hopefully you enjoy listening about how some guy who is way worse than you is making out with the love of your life, because you'll be listening to that a lot.

How does one enter this perilous area of a inter-sex relationship? It most likely arises out of a crush you have on a woman. Don't feel too bad, women don't understand its impossible to be friends and not want to go out with them. They basically don't know any better.

But, how you let it go on for more than a month is completely your fault. You probably let your sense of humor, sensitivity, or lack of guts go on far too long. As soon as you entered that level of good friend, but not best (or one of the best) you should have taken the step to asking out your crush. Odds are, you probably stood a good chance of success.

Of course, dwelling on the past will not help you out of the Friend Zone. You must prepare to leave this crushing zone of life forever. Here you can either go for the one you love, or not repeat your mistakes and hope you recover from your lost love. But, lets try to get the one you want right now.

First, if you're somewhat physically unattractive, change your major flaws. Sometimes a simple shower helps (especially if you only take one every 4 days, in which case you should marvel that you have a friend). Sometimes simply changing your style helps. Other times, its actually changing your personal attributes. If this is the case, build up a good amount of capital, and change yourself using the assistance of a local plastic surgeon (or, if not in LA, a trip to LA and visit to a plastic surgeon). If you're fat, hit the gym (or see the previous advice...which is recommended above going to the gym, because women love when you change yourself with money and quick-fixes).

Lastly, you must change your personality. Just tone everything she likes down, and mimic her current (or past) boyfriend. This means stepping up the meanness, teasing, and, depending on the girl/woman, compliments. The last one is iffy, because not every female likes compliments. Just watch out for that one. But definitely step up on the negativity.

Well, thats it. If you're in the Friend Zone, you can hopefully get out. If you're not in it, don't get in it. If you do, a whole lot of clawing your way out of it lies ahead for you. Men, stay out of...The Friend Zone

December 09, 2006

The Life and Times of Jesus


Son! Its time to get up! You've got People to save


Just 5 more minutes, Dad


No, Jesus, now!


Fine, I'm goin', I'm goin'. So which people do I have to save?


Oh, you know...all of them


What?! How am I supposed to save all of them...and why on Christmas?!


Stop complaining. I swear, you kids today...I had to go down to earth as a fiery bush. You think I wanted to do that? No, of course not, you know how easily I sweat. But I did it. These kids [mumbles off]


Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine, I'll get dressed.

A little bit after the birth of mortal Jesus


Okay, Dad, you owe me. I'm down here and I just had to put up with the worst drummer in the world for about 3 hours straight. Ba-rum-bum-bum, over and over again. You'd think he could do another song, but does he? No, just ba-rum-bum-bum.

Years later, Jesus has grown up and is at a party (where the DJ plays something other than ba-rum-bum-bum as a beat)

Mary Magdalene:

C'mon, JC, let's get out on the dance floor!


No, Mary...I've got a very important role here. I serve the water. Now beat it, I've got a line of customers who's thirsts need quenching.

Mary Magdalene:

Fine! You're such a wallflower, JC!

[James cuts in front of Peter]


Hey, man. Move it!


I did move it. Right in front of you. Got a problem with that?


Oh yeah? Well now I'm moving in front of you! [Pulls Peter behind him by shirt]


HEY! [Shoving match ensues, during which the water gets knocked over]


There goes Jesus and his gang of hoodlums again


Oh, c'mon you guys! Look at what you did! Now how are people going to get a drink? [Fight stops]


Aw cool out, JC. No one wanted your stupid water anyway. Everyones leaving for the Roman party. They have booze. Speaking of, I'm out of here. C'mon Petey!


You're not going anywhere. The Romans want to compete with the Chosen One's Chosen Party, huh? We'll see about that! [Snaps fingers and water turns to wine, DJ appears and a large lit menorah descends from the ceiling]


Uh-oh! Now you've got the party started. Woot woot!


[Runs out door] Hey, Judas, c'mon back, Jesus did some snappy thing with his fingers and now we've got a real party goin' on.

Jesus and the apostles finally leave the party at 1:30am.


I'm hungry! Lets go get something to eat


Yeah, except its 1:30 in the morning. Where are we going to go, you idiot? Think with your head, Judas


I don't know where we can go, I'm just saying we should go somewhere


And, again, I point out to you that even King Danny's is closed right now


Its fine, its fine. We'll go on my boat and fish for some food.


See, Judas, this is who you want to be like


Peter, shut up. Lets go get some fish [Jesus and apostles go to James' boat and head out to sea] Hey, Peter, come check this out! I think I got one [Peter walks over to Jesus]




No [Splashes Peter with water then runs on the boat to get away]


Oh, you're gonna get it [Laughing, splashes water in Jesus' direction. Jesus runs around, but slips on some water and stumbles off of the boat into water]


Oh, crap!


I knew we shouldn't be horse playing on the boat


Shut up, Judas!


[Walks back on the boat, completely dry] Its fine, I'm fine. Take it easy...stupid devil water.


B-but how did you...?


What? Did you guys think all I could do was get people plastered?


Well, while you were out there, did you grab some fish for us to eat?




No, James, while I was performing my miracle and trying to impress you guys by walking on water I guess I forgot to grab you some fish. Sorry


I was just asking...Jesus!




What? Oh, nothing...

Time passes and eventually Jesus gains in followers. He apparently has some message that hes now attached to his miracles. Now if he only played basketball he'd be a triple threat. This makes the Romans nervous, and eventually Jesus gets word of their plan to stop him.


So this is your big plan? Send your only begotten son out to get killed by these...these sinners?


By you sacrificing yourself their sins will be atoned for


Why? You know they'll go right back to sinning. I mean, seriously, one of my own apostles ratted me out


Well, yeah, he did. But he felt really bad about it


Oh yeah? Wow...that must be brutal. Does he want to join me?


No, he's busy hanging around some olive tree


Psh...figures. I should have let Peter beat him up


No, literally, hes hanging. He killed himself


Oh...y'know you could've told me that a little earlier. Now I feel like a jerk.

God: was a jerky thing to say


Oh, is this how you want to send me off? Feeling like a jerk? Thanks, Dad!

Crucifixion goes ahead...even I'm not going to tackle that and make it funny...yet. Jesus is now in heaven with God 2000 years later


Dang it, everywhere I turn I see a cross


Its a sign of the people's love for you.


Oh yeah. Because I really want to see a flipping cross. I mean, it brings back so many good memories for me. You know what? Eff 'em. You need he;p throwing down those dinosaur bones, Dad?*

*RIP Bill Hicks

October 31, 2006

I'd like to report a rise in crime

The wretched day has befallen us, citizens. We are about to see the largest crime hike of any day in the year. Proof that the youth is being corrupted.

Tonight is the night of being threatened and extorted. No, the mob has not disappeared from the racketeering scene, it has merely begun to go unnoticed. Rather than attacking businesses, they attack private homes. Rather than dressed in cool leather jackets with New York accents, they dawn the voice of children and wear masks so no one can know their true identity. The night I'm talking about, ladies and gentleman, is Halloween.

Yes, this supposed day of fun and laughter is nothing more than an elaborate extortion racket. Worse than big business, little children are indoctrinated and sent out by parents to give a victim an ultimatum: trick or treat. The not so vague statement lets the unsuspecting victim know the child's intentions: give me a treat, or you'll get a trick. The trick often comes in the worst form of crime, no less, vandalism of public property.

And to you parents out there, what kind of sick freaks are you? Is it that embarrassing to go buy candy yourself that you have to send your child out in a disguise to get some for you? Are these the values you want your children to learn? Give me what I want or suffer the consequences? In my view, the parents allowing this should be locked up or have their children taken away from them...permanently.

We must stop this perversion of our youth, America! I, for one, will stand up, hold my head high, and refuse to give candy to these misled youths who have been turned into cretins. I have no fear of the consequences. Sacrificing my morals would be the biggest consequence of any. I urge you to unite with me, faithful citizens, as we say to the children of this great nation "We will not be intimidated!"

A weak immune system: proof God hates you

From what I recall, Jesus never had a sick. Okay, sure God was okay with putting him on a crucifix, but even God knows being sick is something reserved for the people he can't stand. The worst people on God's green earth not only get sick, but get them after multiple vaccinations to protect against any sickness that may arise.

Yes, it appears there is no vaccination for God's divine plan of making your life miserable. Somewhere along the line, you screwed up. Maybe it was that evil eye you gave to the charming boy you sat next to in statistics class. Perhaps, just perhaps, its that you don't send letters. Or, maybe its any plethora of other reasons. The point is, God's ticked at you, and he will be for a very long time.

I can only imagine how the real guy John Travolta played in the hit TV film "Boy in the Plastic Bubble" made God mad. He probably gave his mom super bad morning sickness. Whatever the case may be, God obviously hated that kid.

It's simply a fact that a weak immune system means somewhere along your genetic line, God began to hate your family. But don't blame it all on genetics. Remember from science class kids: genes have both recessive and dominant sides, and you too can overcome your supposed imperfections if you get the right DNA make-up. So, since that is entirely possible, there is only one logical conclusion: God made you the way you are because you somehow made God very angry.

Now, I think it's important to define just what constitutes a weak immune system. If you get the flu, God probably doesn't hate you. If he does, it's on a very minimal scale. If you get the flu every year, however, even after vaccinations, God probably doesn't like you. Further, if you get some sort of major life-threatening disease more than once in 10 years, God probably doesn't like you (more than once in 5 years and you must be working for the devil).

But how do you know when God likes you, since all of us experience some sort of sickness in our lives, you ask? Well, it's very simple. If you've been blessed with a fever that makes you hallucinate, God loves you. He loves you enough to make you not only get out of school/work, forget your sick, but to also have a great time while being sick. Also, if you get to cough up big phlegm balls (instead of those annoying dry coughs) God probably loves you (He not only lets you literally spit out your sickness, but let's you have a "tasty" time doing so).

Remember, before you get a vaccine, you should really think about whether or not you'd like to know if God doesn't like you. If the answer is no, you wouldn't like to know, opt out of the vaccine and take your chances getting sick. At least that way you can blame it on a live set of bacterium. And now you know

October 28, 2006

Styrofoam: Material...or MONSTER?!?!

I've decided America needs to wage a new war, since the ones on drugs and terrorism have done so well. The new war should be against Styrofoam, the world's biggest danger.

The manufacture and sale of Styrofoam has been taken way too far. Everything comes packaged within Styrofoam. And what is there to do with this Styrofoam? The rock-hard porous substance is insusceptible to being broken down, unless you want to find asbestos-like particles in your living space for weeks to come. Even then, the material doesn't collapse, it just gets cut in half. I doubt even Stone Cold Steve Austin could make it collapse.

Further, it now seems like people wanting the destruction of the environment have slowed to a lull. They no longer have any drive to create a product many times worse for the environment, because this non-biodegradable super creation has caused them to take a multi-year pause of wonder and amazement. How are we supposed to better speed the second-coming of Jesus if we keep waiting for lowly Styrofoam to ruin the earth? Exactly.... I think Mr. Regan's former Secretary of Agriculture would be very upset with you non-working anti-environmentalists right now.

I'm also convinced that this stuff will be quite dangerous if a tornado or very strong gust of wind comes into Portland. With Styrofoam rock-hard makeup, it can easily rip through someones house, or even that very someone (or both). Picture this: you're walking around town, minding your own business, when all of a sudden you come up to the many dozens of Styrofoam plants that line the streets. All of a sudden a burst of wind comes through due to a low and high pressure system meeting and...BLAM! A 2 foot by 3-inch piece of Styrofoam hits you in the head, rendering you unconscious. See, these are the things people need to think about before they grab for those foam water cups.

Lastly, Styrofoam lacks pizazz. If I want something destroying my environment, I want it to at least have 3 colors of the rainbow involved in it. Or maybe a nice shade of brown.... The point is, I think God will be pretty upset if He finds out the His creation destroyed the environment with a piece of ugly, all too white piece of crap material like Styrofoam.

October 10, 2006

What to get that special girl in your life

Isn't it always a mystery to understand girls and to know what really attracts them? Now there is some trace of light in the path. New Scientist reports show that worthless gifts attract girls a lot and scientists have proved it using various mathematical modelling. So to attract girls, don't try to give them a gift that is "useful". Make sure its useless such as crabs from Seattle. What girl wouldnt love getting crabs from you?

October 05, 2006

You are not an inventor

Just because you come up with an idea does not mean you are an inventor. It means you have an idea. Congratulations, it's probably the first you've had in your life. But you're merely a person with an idea, and no more. Inventing means, you know, inventing something made of matter. An idea from thin air is not matter.

You're not an inventor, furthermore, if your idea has been being worked on for over a decade. If you hear about a new technology being worked on and say “I had that idea a long time ago!” that means you have no drive. Good job giving up on an innovative idea of your own. You should take the same approach to having kids (the last thing we need is another idiotic idea man).

And for those of you that put that dumb “Got an idea for an invention?” commercial on daytime TV I've got a new invention for you. It's called going out of business. I've seen that commercial since I was little. The same freaking commercial. Seriously, the well has run dry and there's no way people call you. If they do they should take their phone and wrap it around their neck. They, like your company, won't be missed.

Lastly, if you don't have a clue about the technology you want to use in your idea, don't think about becoming an inventor. Maybe you should focus on your great career as a fried food technician or professional window washer.

I'm not trying to tell you to give up your dreams. Well, unless they're unrealistic, then you should give up on them. I wouldn't tell a 300-pound man he could run a marathon, and I won't tell you you can be an inventor. Seriously...just stop saying you're an one believes you.

September 27, 2006

Apollo and Yahweh BFF's part deux: The Break-up


I see you destroyed my one temple that people could visit. Not only that, but now I can't let them rebuild it until they conquer everything from Babylon to the Sinai. This is going to take forever to rebuild! I want my temple back! You Romans screwed me over, again. I'm proclaiming that one day you will worship my non-existent son and, most importantly, me. This isn't war, but just know I could defeat you if that did happen.

I suggest we settle my current anger, however, with a game of skee-ball. Winner take all. Plus, if I win I get your tickets. Oh, and when I get the Chinese finger trap, you won't get to use it with me. So, there! Yeah, what now sucka?!

The skee-ball master,


81 CE


Not only do I accept your skee-ball challenge, but I guarantee a win for the Romans. You'll be as pathetic at skee-ball as your people are at spending money frivolously! The game is on, and victory shall be mine!

Peace up,

A-Town down

The concluding part of this important series of letters will be posted within two weeks time (we must translate the ancient aramaic and latin, which takes a lot of time)

How to become a good college student

This is a survival guide for students who don't know how to fit in within the college atmosphere. The proceeding guide will answer any difficult questions you may have.

The first thing you need to do is stop washing and cutting your hair. This is imperative, because as you enter the system of an adult world you must rebel against the laws of cleanliness which govern the world you're now a part of. It's also important, furthermore, that you wear clothes made from hemp rather than cotton because it's more...crappy.

If you're a woman you have an extra choice for your hair, however. You can cut it to be no longer than an inch at any spot. Any longer and you might be conforming, and college is all about doing what you want, like going to class and listening to a lecture for over an hour. You know, fun things like that.

You must also go out and grab a pack of cigarettes and smoke them everywhere you can. Remember, even though we share this world it is yours. If someone is standing in front of you when you need to exhale smoke, feel no pressure to hold it in. Just let it out, and let the smoke drift where it may. If the person doesn't like the smell of smoke they're just being selfish; they don't even bother to think about how much it bugs you, and you're around it all day.

Now you have class. The guide to surviving this is by asking pertinent questions. When a teacher assigns a reading response assignment you must ask what he wants, as if the title doesn't give it away. Also, during class time, you should ask the professor what his specialty is. This is important because no grade is guaranteed unless your nose is browner than tree bark. During discussions with classmates, further, you should correct the student when he/she is in fact right, as well as argue the issue at hand as if it actually matters to the world what you debate in your respective college's class.

Next comes the tough part, what to do between classes. Don't bother studying. Thats what sleeping time is for (the best study tip is to put the book on your head while you sleep so you can learn through osmosis). Instead of studying you should spend your time eating lunch, hanging around at the nearest park or outside gathering spot, and during either activity talking on your cell phone. You never know when you'll be able to again talk to the person you will see in your next class.

This concludes the survival guide to college. You will now do well at any urban or rural environment*

*Note: If at a rural environment your first priority is to party as much as possible without caring about your long-term or short-term health.

September 16, 2006

Apollo and Yahweh: BFFs


So, how are things over in your neck of the woods? I've been pretty busy. You see, I've got to lead an entire group of complainers out of an oppressive land. It's not the easiest thing to do when your people get gas from every imaginable food. I'm not sure why I made my people with such poor gastro-intestinal fortitude.

So, I heard through the god pipeline that you buried some of your people in volcanic ash. Very nifty. I hadn't quite thought of that one. I tried the water thing for the entire population. Talk about a mess. You can't even tell where my handy-work was on that one. Bodies decomposed quickly and the water simply evaporated and/or got absorbed back into the ground. Now my people don't even fear me. I bet your people aren't like that. They probably follow your rules. Mine barely remember Synagogue on Saturday, let alone keeping kosher. Your people walk around, see a bunch of people buried in ash and go; “Yeah, we better not f#$% with Apollo”.

Of course, what are they going to do, not have random sex in bath houses? Maybe that's why my people are a minority no matter where they go, I'm too strict. Maybe I should loosen up a little bit. Of course, Machiavelli will get it right one day, it's good to be feared and loved, but if all else fails, it's better to be feared.

Well, my old friend, it's time for me to go, I feel bloated. I look forward to your response, we've built up quite the rapport these last few centuries.

All the best,


79 CE


We have built up quite the rapport. But don't get too touchy-feely, I'm not Zeus (I'm the god of the flaming sun, but I'm no flamer).

I'm not sure why you're people always get such bad gas. But, trust me, my people have noticed it. We go in to Judea to conquer your land and don't even get any resistance. Half of your people have upset stomachs and don't want to move, and the other half have a debilitating phobia of knives. Maybe in the future you can get them into some sort of specialist with matters of the mind.

My people do know not to mess with me. I make things happen. I'm not an armchair-God like you. I take charge. Free will is just a crazy myth to my people. They know the world is determined by two things: the gods and the army. Oh, and the emperor has some say too, but only until the army ousts him in a bloody coup.

You should really look into less repressive rules. I let my people indulge in all of the reckless behavior they desire. All I ask is they go to my temple. What's the worst that could happen, a minimal belief in the power of the gods that will lead to the downfall of paganism and the rise of monotheism? Highly unlikely.

I should let you know we've been having some problems with the Jews in some areas. We might have to destroy some things. No worries, though, we won't destroy much. I'll let you know how that goes in about two years or so.

I better get going now. Osiris wants to go play soccer. I hate playing with him though, he always throws sand in my eyes in order to score. Now that's a god who could use some commandments.



79 CE

Part 2 from this enthralling seris next week!

September 07, 2006

No such thing as a kosher fruit snack...

So, I was watching the Food Network the other day and they have that "Unwrapped" show. If you don't know that's where they go behind the scenes of producing the foods you and I love. Anyways, before they cut to a commercial they showed a little fact thing (usually my favorite part of the show since, as you know, random facts are my favorite things in the world). Well, this random fact would bring my world crashing down. I read on there that gelatin is made with pig intestines. It went on to say that this also includes fruit snacks. Honestly, normally I wouldn't care, but now that I'm converting to Judaism this causes a problem. It turns out that my entire conversion process heretofore has been a sham. All because of my love for Minute Maid Fruit Snacks.

Now I find myself in quite the quandary. I love my fruit snacks. I almost love them more than God. So what am I to do? I mean, right now it's kind of okay, but once I convert I want to keep as kosher as possible. But can I break my addiction to fruit snacks? I'm not sure. I'm sure God has some quota that you can't go over for those things. But I'd hate to take the risk and get to heaven and find out I could've been way closer in the presence of God but I just had to eat 36,574 packages of fruit snacks when the maximum was 36,573.

You know, you christians have it easy. You get to eat whatever you want and not be filled with guilt for almost every one of your actions. So far I've had to switch hot dog brands, cut out everything to drink except for water and a very certain apple juice (which is fine, since I was already doing that...but still) and I've had to do as little on saturdays as possible. Oh, and let's not forget my conversion process is way more complex than any Christian conversion. I mean, I have to sit in front of a court for crying out loud. Lest we also forget I also am going to be learning a whole other language, one that has a completely different form of writing and very weird uses for the phlegm you and I usually waste. No wonder the Jewish population is only .02% of the world's population. Converting to this religion kind of blows.

Oh, and let's not forget how you LDS people have it easy. Your "promised land" is like, 1000 miles away. Mine is halfway around the world. Plus, if you want to go to a central temple you're more than welcome to go. Me? I get to go to a wall. Titus was a freaking jerk.

The good news: I think once I convert I'm going to have a B'nai Mitzvah. It's an adult bar mitzvah for people who've converted. I think I might get some major dough in that. If I do have a B'nai Mitzvah, you're invited to come and bring an envelope full of money for me to have and waste on things.

Oh, I'm done.

August 28, 2006

Stupid Mormons

So, I like how half of my friends are Mormon and I'll never see them again. Two have left for Utah, and I'll probably see them again, but who knows how weird that's going to be? Don't get me wrong, I'm still going, but they might be know...Mormon-y then. lol.

The other half are going to leave on missions in a year or so. It's like Mormons have a destiny, and that destiny is to only be with other Mormons. Well, unless they go on missions to do...missionary stuff (I honestly don't know what missionaries go to do, though I think I know...something to do with the "c" word).

I also like how when I go to PSU I'm going to be surrounded by high school kids to the nth degree. Parties like never before, drugs like never before (especially at PSU). I mean, I'm not preachy or anything, but when most people only study or party, it's hard to really hang out with anyone (since I hate doing both of those things). I'll have to put out my LDS-dar or something to find new friends.

I would say I could hang out with Jewish kids. But, that doesn't seem plausible since most of them are Jewish in ethnicity only. On top of that, I checked the Hillel website...only 250 Jews on the entire 15000 student campus. B S.

Then again, I'm sure I won't have problems making friends, but what kinds of friends? My look brings the stoners and such, but my personality brings forth the nerds and goody-goodies. What's a complex man like me to do? Well, I'm sure I'll do fine, after all, I'm Garrett-freakin'-Estenson. Word, son.

August 21, 2006

Nike's new ad slogan: Be like Garrett

I've heard over and over again that I lead a boring life. Let me get this clear: my life is not boring. My life is just copacetic as it is, thank you very much. Through apathy, a bit of sarcasm, lethargy and blasphemy I've led a wonderful life. You can do it too, if you follow some of my daily routines.

The first thing I do when I get up is go back to sleep. Nothing says rebel like not waking up when you want to. Fight the power, even when you're the only power. Show yourself who's boss: the alter-you.

By the time you get up it'll usually be noon or later, so its time for a hearty noontime breakfast. Chicken tenders and french fries should do the trick. Some will say that you have enough time to do something else between this time, like wash clothes or clean the kitchen. These people are liars. The only thing you can accomplish between the time you put in your food and take it out is watching baseball or whatever is on espn and/or the History Channel. Once your food is finished, you should go and watch whatever you were watching while you drink some nicely bottled tap water.

It's now 2pm and time to take a shower. Take a rest, there's always 3pm.

At 3pm you realize you don't really plan on going anywhere, so you just figure a shower can wait until you can't stand yourself. During this entire time you've been learning and watching TV, something some generations can't comprehend. To those people I let them know our generation has cable, and with it we have C-Span and the History Channel. Life is good, and you can now learn innumerable amounts of useless information.

Now it's time to go on the internet and pirate some copyrighted materials. For this you use sophisticated websites and programs in an effort to get your favorite anti-establishment music (nothing says "Fight the power!" like Justin Timberlake). You should probably take a break after searching the entire world for music and movies, so take a nap, or read (which will lead to taking a nap).

After you get up or get done reading, you should write something. Nothing serious though, this isn't Schindler's List. Keep it light-hearted, remember that the key to living my life is that nothing is above a good (or bad) joke. Some will call you a sarcastic a**hole for what you say or write, those people are stupid and have no sense of humor. They'll die a horrible death and when they see God he will laugh in their face and pull a lever to Hell because they didn't laugh at your funny, though off-color, joke.

After you finish writing you should make dinner and watch some more TV. Nothing good will be on at 7, though I'm sure there's a re-run of something that you can try to memorize.

Throughout your day you should try, unsuccessfully, to talk or hang out with your friends. If you're able to get a hold of them, take mental notes on things you can joke about later or write down in your quote book. And by take mental notes I mean make fun of them for whatever stupid thing they say and then go home and write them down. Then wonder why people don't like hanging out with you, this will be a more difficult question for you to answer than the question about the meaning of life (for which you're pretty sure you have the answer).

During the last bit of your day you should study comedians. This is important; comedians are the modern day Moses' and Abrahams (i.e. prophets). Most of them have the key to your success if you really listen to them. (Warning: Only about 1/3 of the comedians are worth your time. Have fun figuring out which ones are worth it, hopefully you know how to use Wikipedia).

While you go to sleep you'll have the few serious thoughts of your day. After 14 hours of being up (you need all your beauty rest) your mind starts playing tricks on you, making you think about serious topics. Deal with it, because if you don't you might spend extra hours being awake, which in your life is never a good thing (sleeping-liness is next to Godliness, as the saying I just made up goes).

There you have it. Your own personal guide to being me. Get out there and try to be cool!

PS - In case you do get bored there is always aimless walking at night, listening to music in your parent's car, or looking at your awesome myspace page marvelling at how cool you are.

August 17, 2006

I think I should take up smoking

So I just read this. I've always known that people in the past sued for smoking-related illnesses, but now a judge is leading the door wide open for more people to sue from smoking-related illnesses.

I know the arguments against taking up such a habit. I might die, it's bad for you, it stinks, etc., etc. You know, the more you tell me not to do it and give me reasons, the more I wish you would shut up. If you don't tell me anything, and if I don't read the warning on packets, and if I never go to health classes and if I never watch a tv commercial I might be able to get some money.

Maybe I should also start smoking crack. I know it's not legal, but I will undoubtedly score big bucks when I sue my dealer. How was I supposed to know inhaling a drug into your blood stream was bad for you? It seems so harmless, and the only side-effects that I ever thought occured were ashiness and a slight twitch. Plus, if I can prove this whole Cocaine/CIA thing, I could make billions. Sure, I'll probably blow it on a crack party, but I'll have the best crack in the world for one night. It will be so worth it.

You know, I don't even necessarily have to go to drugs. If I eat enough food to have a heart attack by the time I'm 30 I can sue for that. How is a person supposed to know that when you can't get off a couch you should probably take it easy on ding-dongs? Okay, sure, I might have a little inclination that it isn't good for me when I get out of breath just bringing food to my mouth, but doesn't everybody have that happen?

The lack of personal responsibility in this country really inspires me. I think, in my biggest lawsuit case, I'm going to sue pen companies for not telling me I shouldn't see how far a pen can go into my eye. Afterwards you'll get, with each pen, a booklet of directions in every language imaginable (even though in America we only speak American and Mexican).

But not to worry, you too can get in on the action! Next time you unfold one of those huge warning booklets sue the company for causing the worst papercut you've ever had. Since we haven't had any anti-frivolous lawsuit laws pass in over a decade, you'll be guaranteed at least a million dollars (but be careful: if you die your life is only worth a little over $300,000 to the government).

So, c'mon people, let's make Ayn Rand's nightmare come true! And the next time your grandchildren come to your mansion, you too will be able to say: this is the house that one lung built.

Sacle bleu!

This just in: France won't send more troops to secure Lebanon. The current status of French troops as part of a UN peacekeeping force is to sit on the waters, eat cheese and shout orders to soldiers actually in harm's way (most likely Americans, British, and Poland or something).

I think this shows how much the French actually care about the status of people in foreign lands. After we go free oppressed citzens in Iraq and they give us crap for it, they, of course, refuse send more troops to help a war-torn region in an effort to keep the peace. This makes complete logical sense, since both attacking a country and saving it from an attack are the same thing.

But, the French military has more important things to do, obviously. They not only must prepare for a looming German invasion, during which they'll run into their impenetrable Maginot line (since it's not like Germany can go around a stationary limited firing range line of guns) but they must also keep Muslim girls from wearing headscarves. It must be so hard keeping a country safe from the influence of religion (by trying to ban it outright).

Yes, the French, giving you personal freedom by banning it and not protecting you from oppressive extremists. This, ladies and gentleman, is the quintessential modern liberal state.