I think I should take up smoking

So I just read this. I've always known that people in the past sued for smoking-related illnesses, but now a judge is leading the door wide open for more people to sue from smoking-related illnesses.

I know the arguments against taking up such a habit. I might die, it's bad for you, it stinks, etc., etc. You know, the more you tell me not to do it and give me reasons, the more I wish you would shut up. If you don't tell me anything, and if I don't read the warning on packets, and if I never go to health classes and if I never watch a tv commercial I might be able to get some money.

Maybe I should also start smoking crack. I know it's not legal, but I will undoubtedly score big bucks when I sue my dealer. How was I supposed to know inhaling a drug into your blood stream was bad for you? It seems so harmless, and the only side-effects that I ever thought occured were ashiness and a slight twitch. Plus, if I can prove this whole Cocaine/CIA thing, I could make billions. Sure, I'll probably blow it on a crack party, but I'll have the best crack in the world for one night. It will be so worth it.

You know, I don't even necessarily have to go to drugs. If I eat enough food to have a heart attack by the time I'm 30 I can sue for that. How is a person supposed to know that when you can't get off a couch you should probably take it easy on ding-dongs? Okay, sure, I might have a little inclination that it isn't good for me when I get out of breath just bringing food to my mouth, but doesn't everybody have that happen?

The lack of personal responsibility in this country really inspires me. I think, in my biggest lawsuit case, I'm going to sue pen companies for not telling me I shouldn't see how far a pen can go into my eye. Afterwards you'll get, with each pen, a booklet of directions in every language imaginable (even though in America we only speak American and Mexican).

But not to worry, you too can get in on the action! Next time you unfold one of those huge warning booklets sue the company for causing the worst papercut you've ever had. Since we haven't had any anti-frivolous lawsuit laws pass in over a decade, you'll be guaranteed at least a million dollars (but be careful: if you die your life is only worth a little over $300,000 to the government).

So, c'mon people, let's make Ayn Rand's nightmare come true! And the next time your grandchildren come to your mansion, you too will be able to say: this is the house that one lung built.