Nike's new ad slogan: Be like Garrett

I've heard over and over again that I lead a boring life. Let me get this clear: my life is not boring. My life is just copacetic as it is, thank you very much. Through apathy, a bit of sarcasm, lethargy and blasphemy I've led a wonderful life. You can do it too, if you follow some of my daily routines.

The first thing I do when I get up is go back to sleep. Nothing says rebel like not waking up when you want to. Fight the power, even when you're the only power. Show yourself who's boss: the alter-you.

By the time you get up it'll usually be noon or later, so its time for a hearty noontime breakfast. Chicken tenders and french fries should do the trick. Some will say that you have enough time to do something else between this time, like wash clothes or clean the kitchen. These people are liars. The only thing you can accomplish between the time you put in your food and take it out is watching baseball or whatever is on espn and/or the History Channel. Once your food is finished, you should go and watch whatever you were watching while you drink some nicely bottled tap water.

It's now 2pm and time to take a shower. Take a rest, there's always 3pm.

At 3pm you realize you don't really plan on going anywhere, so you just figure a shower can wait until you can't stand yourself. During this entire time you've been learning and watching TV, something some generations can't comprehend. To those people I let them know our generation has cable, and with it we have C-Span and the History Channel. Life is good, and you can now learn innumerable amounts of useless information.

Now it's time to go on the internet and pirate some copyrighted materials. For this you use sophisticated websites and programs in an effort to get your favorite anti-establishment music (nothing says "Fight the power!" like Justin Timberlake). You should probably take a break after searching the entire world for music and movies, so take a nap, or read (which will lead to taking a nap).

After you get up or get done reading, you should write something. Nothing serious though, this isn't Schindler's List. Keep it light-hearted, remember that the key to living my life is that nothing is above a good (or bad) joke. Some will call you a sarcastic a**hole for what you say or write, those people are stupid and have no sense of humor. They'll die a horrible death and when they see God he will laugh in their face and pull a lever to Hell because they didn't laugh at your funny, though off-color, joke.

After you finish writing you should make dinner and watch some more TV. Nothing good will be on at 7, though I'm sure there's a re-run of something that you can try to memorize.

Throughout your day you should try, unsuccessfully, to talk or hang out with your friends. If you're able to get a hold of them, take mental notes on things you can joke about later or write down in your quote book. And by take mental notes I mean make fun of them for whatever stupid thing they say and then go home and write them down. Then wonder why people don't like hanging out with you, this will be a more difficult question for you to answer than the question about the meaning of life (for which you're pretty sure you have the answer).

During the last bit of your day you should study comedians. This is important; comedians are the modern day Moses' and Abrahams (i.e. prophets). Most of them have the key to your success if you really listen to them. (Warning: Only about 1/3 of the comedians are worth your time. Have fun figuring out which ones are worth it, hopefully you know how to use Wikipedia).

While you go to sleep you'll have the few serious thoughts of your day. After 14 hours of being up (you need all your beauty rest) your mind starts playing tricks on you, making you think about serious topics. Deal with it, because if you don't you might spend extra hours being awake, which in your life is never a good thing (sleeping-liness is next to Godliness, as the saying I just made up goes).

There you have it. Your own personal guide to being me. Get out there and try to be cool!

PS - In case you do get bored there is always aimless walking at night, listening to music in your parent's car, or looking at your awesome myspace page marvelling at how cool you are.