July 08, 2006

National Nitwit: Hell to Initiate “Buy Local” Campaign

National Nitwit: Hell to Initiate “Buy Local” Campaign

Question of the Every Other Day, 7-8-06

Question: What should America do about the ongoing North Korea crisis?

Answer:
In order to save this country there is only one answer that makes sense: do nothing. The United States must not worry about confirmed nuclear powers with crazy leaders who starve their own people. The world must know that America will stand idly by and wait for a nuclear missile to be randomly launched. The world must know that America will stand idly by as countries test missiles with no forewarning of their trajectory and expected point of impact. The world must know that America will take no diplomatic actions by themselves, but will instead wait for a few other countries whom don't like us to join us in signing a piece of paper.

We must remember that this is America. We refuse to invade countries simply because a country refuses to follow resolution after resolution. We will not invade or sanction countries that have tyrannical leaders. We will not invade or sanction countries that kill their own people. We will not invade or sanction countries that starve their own people. We will not invade or sanction countries that jail their citizens wrongly. We will invade countries if they try to kill our Daddy, though. And know this, North Korea, if you ever, ever try to harm any of our president's fathers, the crap's going to hit the fan.

America needs to let the world know that we have no fears about a nuclear attack. We have missiles to protect against that sort of thing. And if that stupid Congress in the 1980's would've appropriated funds for it, we could have lightsabers in space, thanks to Ronald Reagan. But, enough dwelling on the past; we have the ability to shoot that missile down. The rest of the world, well, hey...good luck.

We must fight against the North Koreans in a way that makes the entire world feel safe, by sitting back and hoping we get to see the fireworks show, and not be the fireworks show. We must remember our American ideals, to preserve freedom throughout the world, and safety here at home. North Korea provides a threat to neither of these (well, unless you discount almost hitting Japan, the premier democracy in the east, and almost hitting Russia, a burgeoning democracy after a brutal Soviet government).

Besides, who could be scared of this guy?

July 06, 2006

Dialogue 8: Me and God

Since this might get confusing with two G's, I've put Me as M, and God as G. Although I think it was selfish of God to not give me the G, but whatever

M: Hey God, I've got a suggestion for you
G: Really? Not a concern or question, but a suggestion? This is new
M: Right.... So anyways, I was thinking maybe its time to thin the population out a little
G: You're telling me I should kill people?
M: Look, read into it however you'd like. I'm just saying, today I was standing on the MAX, and I felt a little cramped, that's all. It was sort of intrusive
G: So I should kill tons of people because you felt uncomfortable on a train? Take a freakin' car
M: Are you kidding me? Have you seen those traffic jams?! Plus, when was the last time the MAX crashed and people died? Well, except for that one idiot that was on the tracks
G: Yeah, he was an idiot. I was obviously drinking a little when I made that kid
M: Well I'd say so. He stood on the tracks after horns and lights were going. What a n00b. Wait...I see what you're doing! You can't trick me. Get to thinning out the population
G: Garrett, I'm not going to kill people just because someone was a couple inches from you
M: Well, they were a couple feet away, but they gave me this look too. I think he was undressing me with his eyes. Besides, I never said anything about killing people. Can you just make interplanetary living possible? Then maybe load people up on spaceships to live there?
G: I made this planet inhabitable and that's it. I chose this planet and these people
M: Fine, I'll have to make my own planet
G: You know what Garrett, you think you're me
M: Well, I have to model myself after somebody. Hey, so how did you get that cushy job anyways? Did your parents know someone high in the Metaphysical hierarchy
G: What do you mean, I'm as high up as it gets
M: Suuurrre [winks]. I see what you're saying
G: No, I'm serious
M: Really, because I have a Scientific American article right here that says there are numerous other dimensions, thereby increasing exponentially the possibility of other life forms on other planets. Since you just said we're the only life forms on the only inhabitable planet that you if we find life, we can thereby assume that there's another God
G: Umm...Well science is of the devil anyways. So of course it'd say that [Begins sweating and grabbing at non-matter collar]
M: Right. But even the devil can tell the truth. I'm not saying I'm pro-devil, don't get me wrong, I just think even the devil can be right once in a while
G: Oh, I'm sure!
M: Hey, if my dad can be right sometimes, anything is possible
G: Well the Devil isn't right!
M: Well, you sort of have a bias now, wouldn't you say so?
G: What are you implying?
M: Oh, nothing. All I'm saying is, maybe, you know, you just sort of don't want to be proven wrong. You know, Pride is one of your seven deadly sins
G: This isn't pride! The Devil's wrong, I'm right!
M: I can show you the evidence for other dimensions and possible life forms if -
G: NO! I'm right, that's it
M: Oh, now you're just being a brat. Look, I remember the first time I was wrong too, it was tough. But, if there's one thing I've learned from you, the impossible is almost always possible
G: Not if I say it's impossible
M: Oh, but then it's extremely impossible. The more impossible it becomes the more possible it actually becomes
G: That doesn't even make any sense
M: Doesn't it? Maybe it's just too complex for you to have it make sense. Maybe if I talk to those other life forms in those other dimensions it'll make sense
G: Maybe it would...Wait! It wouldn't, because they don't exist!
M: Really? Because you just said maybe what I just said would make sense to them
G: Well, sometimes I zone off and just say things to keep the conversation going
M: Right, sure.
G: No, I mean it
M: Oh no, I believe you. I totally believe you. Yeah, you know, it's not a Freudian slip or anything. No, it's just you zoning off. Yeah, that's it. That definitely makes the most logical sense. Yeah, God, the ruler of Heaven and Earth, just happened to zone off at that point in the conversation when I question his legitimacy to Power. Yeah, I completely think you zoned off. Yep...
G: You know what? You...You're not a very nice person
M: Being mean doesn't mean being incorrect you know. You've been pretty mean to people
G: Like who?
M: You let pagans kill your son! You don't call that borderline mean?
G: I told him to clean his room or else! Maybe next time he'll do what I say
M: Mmm-hmm. Look, I know this great psychologist that can help you with these problems with rage
G: I don't need a freaking psychologist, OKAY?! I need you to shut it, stop questioning my all-Powerfulness, and to stop being such a smart-alec
M: I can tell you need to maybe go punch something. This time though you want to not cause a tidal wave like last time we talked? Maybe you should get an Everlast heavy bag or something, maybe find positive or less harmful ways to let out anger
G: Just...Go. ME!

Question of the Every Other Day, 7-6-06

Question: What has outsourcing done for America?

Answer:
Everything. Let's go over how awesome outsourcing is for the American people. I recently bought an entire bag of socks for 4 bucks. 4 BUCKS! Now, if Americans had made those socks, with all of our intrusive and fascist labor laws and "Minimum Wage" oppression against big business, I wouldn't have been able to get those socks for so cheap. I don't mind making a few American families go without food for months on end, personally, as long as I get my 4 dollar socks!

Of course, what about "buying American". Let me tell you, buying American now means buying Japanese. Toyota, yeah, numerous plants throughout America. Toyota is the new addition to the "Big 3" for American auto makers (we can just kick Daimler-Chrysler out...no one likes super-German names). Case-in-point for Toyota being the new "it" auto maker: They'll be entering NASCAR in a year or two. Nothing says American like Kobe Takayashi driving a Toyota while drinking sake and eating a bowl of rice.

Another reason not to buy "American": the big American manufacturers make their products in Mexico. Mexico. You know, the place where you can just drink the water and get 5 strains of salmonella. No, I say, buy Thailand...ian...ese. We should also buy Taiwanese so we can make that stable government, um, ours, through the imperialization of our ideals, and money.


I should point out though, we should give China the economic finger. I say we announce to the entire world that we're invading China, they'll never hear it since they censor everything America is about (which includes invading countries). After we do this, we'll re-name it America 2, but still pay the workers the same. We'll pay the workers the same because I'd like to continue buying the shoes made for 30 cents for $125. If we pay the workers more we might have to crack down on the poor CEOs of America, which would be the worst thing we could do.

Outsourcing has brought numerous gifts to America. We can now buy cheap, sell high, and get some primo opium if need be. Go outsourcing!

July 04, 2006

Question of the Every Other Day, 7-4-06

Question: What does July 4th mean to you?

Answer:
To me, it means most people will get drunk and light off fireworks, with an occasional extra explosion of a finger going into the air. It also means if I were into fireworks I would make my annual pilgrimmage to Washington, where you can buy fireworks that explode hundreds of feet in the air, raining fire and sparks onto the earth.

It also means that our nation was declared a sovereign nation two days ago. The founders thought of the impending holiday, however, and determined July 2nd just didn't have the required aesthetics to be our nation's holiday. They wanted to have it be a celestial holiday, determined by the new moon which was occuring on the 4th. Of course, from the start Americans were too lazy to look at the moon to tell us when a holiday would occur, so we instead opted for the 4th.

July 4th is also the only day in an American year when we actually say the date the way much of the world says a date, with the number preceding the month. We do this to let them know that we started the tradition and to never let them forget that America rocks. Bow down as you did in 1781 Britian! Without us your date/time format would be a jumble that would probably read as so: Ju, 4th, ly, 2060 (the Britains are well known for their rampant dyslexia, as is shown by the way they drive).

Mostly, July 4th shows me it's time to get ready for a barbecue. Yes, my fireworks consist of meat drippings and coal. I don't do sissy sparks with colors. I go for a bright orange flame and the possibility of burning my entire house down. After I'm finished barbecueing I throw the ashes in the air on the neighbors backyard and say; "Happy independence day, for tomorrow I might invade your backyard and take over!"

July 4th is indeed a patriotic day, and we must celebrate it as best we can. In order to show our appreciation for the Constitution, which would arise years after our initial declaration of independence, we must burn a flag, yell "FIRE!" in a crowded building, shoot a gun and sue people for 20 bucks, all in an effort to remind people of the ideals on which our country was founded.

July 03, 2006

Dialouge 7: Mr. Johnson

On the off chance that someone who doesn't know Mr. Johnson reads this, Mr. Johnson was my English teacher in high school. He's the quintessential hardnosed teacher, and I'm sure if he stares at you right he can kill your soul.

G: Dean, Dean-O, you like my book?
J: It's almost crap, but it doesn't even get that good of a title
G: Wha?
J: It's a literary disaster. The character development is minimal at best, and how many times do you have to beat around the bush. If I've said it once I've said it a million times, say what you mean and get to the point
G: Well, I thought I did a good job
J: If you were one of my sophomores I'd tell you to go punch your old English teachers for failing you so miserably.
G: Y'know, it's a little bit harder than it looks to write an entire book
J: Yeah, well it was even harder to read. Ever heard of a complete paragraph? It shouldn't be that difficult to have a complete thought, though with you I'm sure it is
G: Well -
J: Well what? Your writing abilities suck. Deal with it. Look, at least you don't have a job where you have to write; if you did, well heaven help us all [Hears sniffles] Are you crying? I'm just giving criticism, deal with it
G: Well, you're being kind of harsh
J: Look, if it'll make you feel better I'll give you a check-minus instead of the F- you were going to have
G: ME DAMNIT! I HATE CHECK MINUS!
J: Yeah, well I hate reading crap posing as literature
G: [Whispers] Bite me
J: I would, but you take up the entire universe. I'm going to go and recover from this crap. I'll go read a 7th grade English paper; it should be better than this Bible thing you gave me
G: Hey, what's with these lines on the margins?
J: Oh, that's just all of your mistakes. You notice how the margin is almost all pen? Yeah, that's because you suck. Goodbye

July 02, 2006

The Obituaries

I wrote these a while ago to two friends, but it's one of my favorite things I've written as of yet. Here goes:

God:
God died of old age yesterday at the age of 666,666,666,666. As he was dying one of the angels at his bediside pointed out his age, and the irony of it all. God responded; "Yeah, I thought of that too. A little weird the way life works, huh? Oh well, when I told John that number on Patmos I really just meant he'd be smart to stay inside 666 days after I talked to him, I was bringing rain on that day and I knew he wouldn't have his umbrella by then...he's such a procrastinator." At first people seemed to worry that God was dying. But, he's left in charge a democratically elected congress of angels, with one of them elected god for 4 years (4,000 heaven years). God left a couple of "shout-outs" to his "homies" (his words, not the author's). He'd like to thank, in this order, "Momma G, Poppa G, Big Mose, The 'Original' Honest Abe, Isaac (he also adds sorry about the whole fire thing), JC, Big 'Med" and some guy named "Garrett Estenson"

George Washington:
George "G Dub" Washington was born in 1732. He got lucky and, despite horrible teeth, married rich. Many attribute this to his fine dancing skills, but it's also largely due to his inability to win dates but insatiable tenacity. His first few dates with his wife Martha were terrible, and in fact he only got a couple of good big dates right. He had no children, many of the "counter-culture" types in the future (1970's) will attribute this to the fact that he grew hemp, another name for marijuana. While this is true, George made sure to point out that he was no stoner, and that he only tried that once in college. George is most famous for his leadership in the Revolution, but he'd also like to point out that he was also an aspiring playwright, but just couldn't bring himself to associate with those "artsy" types. George leaves behind his wife, whom can't wait to go "play the field" again, as well as 200 slaves, which he gives freedom to. Oh, wait, he added after the freedom line; "...PSYCHE!"

Nietzsche:
Nothing of importance happened today.

Jesus:
Jesus would first like to say that he knows in the future many people will spell their name just like his. His main regret in life is that he didn't register said name as a registered trademark. He also wishes that he could've made those "Jesus is my homeboy" t-shirts for the apostles. He adds; "Man...they would've been so stoked to have one of those." Jesus would also like to say that he knows the Chinese were experimenting with accupuncture at the time of his death. He would like to say that you should not go to the Romans for accupuncture. He did so, and they apparently missed the pressure points. He leaves behind no children, no wife, but Mary was so into him.

Woody Allen:
Woody would like to say that he isn't afraid to die, he just didn't want to be there when it happened. He also adds that it's one of the few things you can do as easily as lying down. He extended his time on earth by continuously beating Death in a game of poker for his life, which explains why he lived to the age of 3000. He's now been married to 12 women, all of whom he first adopted as his daughter before marrying. He said it definitely added a "personal touch" to everything. Woody knows he is still only percieved as funny by about 10,000 people, almost all of whom are Jews from New York. As he died he complained about the temperature.

F. Scott Fitzgerald:
Scotty was always attracted to death, he in fact welcomed it. He first tried to pose as a dying man, but soon realized it was no longer what he wanted. Discontented with life, he decided to write novels in order to waste time. Scotty seemed disillusioned with life most of the time. While he was a little perplexed, he was by no means disillusioned, he was just...okay, fine, he was disillusioned. In the Great War he, well he didn't do much. Turns out Scotty had asthma and couldn't do much in Europe. He never left the States until after the war, when he went to France because, well, it was "cool". Scotty wrote a few books in his life, nothing big though. He leaves behind his wife Zelda, who thinks she has 3 husbands, and also thinks she is 5 people, as well as a son, who will undoubtedly hate that his name is also Frances Scott Fitzgerald.

Question of the Every Other Day, 7-2-06

Question: What is the meaning of life?

Answer:
The meaning of life is simple: Never figure out the meaning of life. Of course, this places the entire human existence into quite the quandary. If the meaning of life is to never figure out the meaning of life, doesn't that mean we've figured it out, and have therefore shown that the meaning of life for humans to be a fallacy? The short answer is yes. The long answer to this is Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssss.
Life is certainly mysterious to us humans. Seems as if right when we think we've got the answer to life, it turns out we don't. I personally think God has done this on purpose, and we will forever be his little ant farm. Let's hope we're not truly created in the image of God, if so he might do what all little boys have done and turn the ant farm upside down, shake out the ants and kill the as they try to escape. It could be God is already trying to do this, however, and the melting of the ozone is simply his magnifying glass with which to burn us to death.
I, however, digress. Back to the meaning of life. Our meaning is to never know the bigger meaning. If life were a definition in a dictionary, we'd have the second definition all picked out, which is Life means to know nothing, but think we know almost everything. The first definition is one I will not even attempt to answer in a serious, scholarly manner. Suffice it to say that it probably has a lot of big words, and it might even be a run-on sentence.
The true meaning of life is probably something beyond the grasp of humans. The true meaning of life is akin to the remote control on a hot summer's day: too far for us to get off the coach for fear of losing our cool spot.
Here is a list of some other ideas for the meaning of life, and why I think they're wrong:
  • To perform acts of goodwill
    • This just takes too much effort. Besides, I think God is more of a thinking man's Man, and goodwill is more of a do-er activity
  • Perform miracles
    • Miracles are sort of played out by now. Don't we have computers that can do that stuff for us?
  • Get closer to God
    • God has a pretty big personal space bubble, he's not the touchy-feely type
  • Have children (propagate human existence)
    • I think 6 billion is sort of enough, don't you?