Question of the Every Other Day, 7-4-06

Question: What does July 4th mean to you?

Answer:
To me, it means most people will get drunk and light off fireworks, with an occasional extra explosion of a finger going into the air. It also means if I were into fireworks I would make my annual pilgrimmage to Washington, where you can buy fireworks that explode hundreds of feet in the air, raining fire and sparks onto the earth.

It also means that our nation was declared a sovereign nation two days ago. The founders thought of the impending holiday, however, and determined July 2nd just didn't have the required aesthetics to be our nation's holiday. They wanted to have it be a celestial holiday, determined by the new moon which was occuring on the 4th. Of course, from the start Americans were too lazy to look at the moon to tell us when a holiday would occur, so we instead opted for the 4th.

July 4th is also the only day in an American year when we actually say the date the way much of the world says a date, with the number preceding the month. We do this to let them know that we started the tradition and to never let them forget that America rocks. Bow down as you did in 1781 Britian! Without us your date/time format would be a jumble that would probably read as so: Ju, 4th, ly, 2060 (the Britains are well known for their rampant dyslexia, as is shown by the way they drive).

Mostly, July 4th shows me it's time to get ready for a barbecue. Yes, my fireworks consist of meat drippings and coal. I don't do sissy sparks with colors. I go for a bright orange flame and the possibility of burning my entire house down. After I'm finished barbecueing I throw the ashes in the air on the neighbors backyard and say; "Happy independence day, for tomorrow I might invade your backyard and take over!"

July 4th is indeed a patriotic day, and we must celebrate it as best we can. In order to show our appreciation for the Constitution, which would arise years after our initial declaration of independence, we must burn a flag, yell "FIRE!" in a crowded building, shoot a gun and sue people for 20 bucks, all in an effort to remind people of the ideals on which our country was founded.