The Obituaries

I wrote these a while ago to two friends, but it's one of my favorite things I've written as of yet. Here goes:

God:
God died of old age yesterday at the age of 666,666,666,666. As he was dying one of the angels at his bediside pointed out his age, and the irony of it all. God responded; "Yeah, I thought of that too. A little weird the way life works, huh? Oh well, when I told John that number on Patmos I really just meant he'd be smart to stay inside 666 days after I talked to him, I was bringing rain on that day and I knew he wouldn't have his umbrella by then...he's such a procrastinator." At first people seemed to worry that God was dying. But, he's left in charge a democratically elected congress of angels, with one of them elected god for 4 years (4,000 heaven years). God left a couple of "shout-outs" to his "homies" (his words, not the author's). He'd like to thank, in this order, "Momma G, Poppa G, Big Mose, The 'Original' Honest Abe, Isaac (he also adds sorry about the whole fire thing), JC, Big 'Med" and some guy named "Garrett Estenson"

George Washington:
George "G Dub" Washington was born in 1732. He got lucky and, despite horrible teeth, married rich. Many attribute this to his fine dancing skills, but it's also largely due to his inability to win dates but insatiable tenacity. His first few dates with his wife Martha were terrible, and in fact he only got a couple of good big dates right. He had no children, many of the "counter-culture" types in the future (1970's) will attribute this to the fact that he grew hemp, another name for marijuana. While this is true, George made sure to point out that he was no stoner, and that he only tried that once in college. George is most famous for his leadership in the Revolution, but he'd also like to point out that he was also an aspiring playwright, but just couldn't bring himself to associate with those "artsy" types. George leaves behind his wife, whom can't wait to go "play the field" again, as well as 200 slaves, which he gives freedom to. Oh, wait, he added after the freedom line; "...PSYCHE!"

Nietzsche:
Nothing of importance happened today.

Jesus:
Jesus would first like to say that he knows in the future many people will spell their name just like his. His main regret in life is that he didn't register said name as a registered trademark. He also wishes that he could've made those "Jesus is my homeboy" t-shirts for the apostles. He adds; "Man...they would've been so stoked to have one of those." Jesus would also like to say that he knows the Chinese were experimenting with accupuncture at the time of his death. He would like to say that you should not go to the Romans for accupuncture. He did so, and they apparently missed the pressure points. He leaves behind no children, no wife, but Mary was so into him.

Woody Allen:
Woody would like to say that he isn't afraid to die, he just didn't want to be there when it happened. He also adds that it's one of the few things you can do as easily as lying down. He extended his time on earth by continuously beating Death in a game of poker for his life, which explains why he lived to the age of 3000. He's now been married to 12 women, all of whom he first adopted as his daughter before marrying. He said it definitely added a "personal touch" to everything. Woody knows he is still only percieved as funny by about 10,000 people, almost all of whom are Jews from New York. As he died he complained about the temperature.

F. Scott Fitzgerald:
Scotty was always attracted to death, he in fact welcomed it. He first tried to pose as a dying man, but soon realized it was no longer what he wanted. Discontented with life, he decided to write novels in order to waste time. Scotty seemed disillusioned with life most of the time. While he was a little perplexed, he was by no means disillusioned, he was just...okay, fine, he was disillusioned. In the Great War he, well he didn't do much. Turns out Scotty had asthma and couldn't do much in Europe. He never left the States until after the war, when he went to France because, well, it was "cool". Scotty wrote a few books in his life, nothing big though. He leaves behind his wife Zelda, who thinks she has 3 husbands, and also thinks she is 5 people, as well as a son, who will undoubtedly hate that his name is also Frances Scott Fitzgerald.