Garrett reads the Torah: Genesis

I've decided to spare people the arduous task of reading the Torah, and eventually from reading the entire Tanakh. Here is a summary of Genesis:

God gets bored. God creates Earth as his own little ant farm, complete with miniature trees and cool burrows for his ants (Man). He creates all life in 6 days, gets tired, and keeps everybody up with his snoring.

Adam gets lonely and needs a little action. He gives up a rib to God so God can create Eve. Apparently God forgot to keep a carbon-copy of Man with him and needed a little DNA from Adam. God threatens death upon Adam and Eve if they eat from the knowledge tree. Apparently death didn't really bug Eve, since she talked with the serpent and ate from the freaking tree. What a n00b. God, always the softy, kicks Adam and Eve out of Eden, a utopia, for eating from the tree. Apparently the concept of lying to God to cover your butt wasn't around back then, because apparently God didn't know they ate from the tree until, on God's afternoon stroll through Eden, he came across Adam and Eve covered up and asked them why they had done so. Adam answered truthfully. They got kicked out. Pwned.

Cain, one of Adam's sons, gets jealous of his brother, Able, and kills him. He gets kicked out. How the human population survived is a mystery that has yet to be solved. They did have more kids, but how future generations didn't come out with hemophilia and extra limbs is a mystery.

People get a little unruly. God finds Noah, a righteous man, and tells him to build an ark and put two of everything on it. How he fit two of every animal into 300 cubits is another bible mystery. Apparently God's never been one for logical architecture. Noah doesn't even try to save human-kind, but just goes along and builds his ark. A flood comes and wipes everyone out. Noah sends a bird out, shoots him with a bb gun and if he hears a splash he knows it's not time to step out of the ark yet. Eventually a dove takes an olive branch, which gives Noah the opportunity for a direct head-shot. No splash, so everyone steps out of the ark.

After a prolonged genealogy explanation we find out that Man wants to build a tower into heaven. God likes his personal space, so he demolishes the tower with his transformer-like wrecking ball finger and separates people with nations and different languages.

Abraham is born. After some time of being just Abram, God promises to watch over Abraham and his people provided he gets circumcised. Abram doesn't quite get the easy life he might expect after such an event, but he does get a cooler name, Abraham.

God goes on a power trip and prepares to destroy two cities, Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham, unlike his predecessors, grows a spine when faced with large death tolls of his people. He argues with God, trying to get him to spare the city if there are 50 righteous, then 40, all the way down to 10. Didn't work out in the end, Lot and his family were it for the righteous. Goodbye Sodom and Gomorrah hello condos!

Now God says that Abraham must sacrifice his only son, Isaac, to prove his faithfulness. First, Isaac is an idiot, his dad said they were making a goat offering yet had no goat. You didn't recognize something was awry here, Isaac? After Abraham nearly throws his son onto the fire, God stops him and gives Abraham a goat instead. God gets a thank you from Abraham (for whatever reason), and Isaac gets a shopping spree at Toys R Us from Abraham provided Isaac never tells his mom what happened.

Isaac grows up, gets a hottie wife named Rebekah. She gives Isaac twins, but not before the Lord throws a wrench into the whole birthright deal and says the elder shall serve the younger. After a long hunting expedition, the eldest sells Jacob his birthright in order to stay alive. This says all kinds of things about Jacob, whom almost let his brother die in order to get some cattle from his dad Isaac. Jacob also gets his brother's blessing from his dying father. Jacob knows Isaac is pretty upset, so smartly he runs away.

Jacob has a dream at Beersheba and is promised land from God. Palestinians still have yet to receive this memo.

When Jacob sees Rachel, a hottie living in his new area, he offers to work for 7 years for her father in order to receive Rachel's hand in marriage. The guy, knowing Jacob is a border-hopping illegal immigrant, takes the offer but instead offers his eldest daughter instead. Jacob says he wants Rachel, then works for 7 more years in order to receive her hand in marriage. The sisters then fight for the most babies in the world, enlisting the services of their handmaids as the feud progresses. Jacob gets fed up and wants to leave, with payment for another 7 years of his work. He wants spotted and striped goats, but in a move of cunning Laban, for whom Jacob had been working, takes all of them. Jacob eventually cross-breeds better than a 16th century monk and gets the strongest goats as spotted and striped.

Jacob gets into a fight with an angel, and after being stabbed with the angel's switch blade, still wins. Jacob is re-named Israel, but the Torah continues to call him Jacob for quite some time. The angel goes back to pump some iron after losing to a mortal. The angel is also now known as Girly McAngel, and all the angels make fun of him.

Jacob goes to meet his brother, Esau, after being away for 20 years. Jacob gets word Esau is coming and splits up his wealth and family. He goes to meet Esau, ready to give him a gift and Esau hugs Jacob and refuses to take the gift. Jacob, always the pushier brother, makes Esau take the gift and join him in his quest to take over the world.

While this next part isn't super important, it's pretty cool. Dinah, one of Jacob's daughters gets raped by the prince of the Hivities, Shechem. Jacob agrees to make peace, provided they join Israel and all the men become circumcised. On the 3rd day of the male's recovery, the brothers of Dinah go into the city and slay all the men. No chosen people of God will be harlots. Jewish families represent!

Joseph, Rachel's eldest son, has a dream that all of his brothers and even his father will one day bow to him. The brothers take him for an idiot, since he's about 4th or 5th on the pecking order. The brothers conspire to kill Joseph, but decide they'd instead like to make some money, so they do the nobler deed and sell him into slavery.

Joseph, now a slave for Pharoah's officer, Potiphar, refuses to sleep with Potiphar's wife. Joseph was never really into powerful women anyways. The wife fakes an attack by Joseph after Joseph runs away like a girl and leaves his ripped clothes in Potiphar's wife's hands. Joseph is thrown into jail, but turns into the jailhouse snitch or something, since he gets a lot of power from the guards. He interprets some dreams for Pharoah's servants, now in jail, and when one gets out he tells Pharoah, after many years and once Pharoah has some crazy dreams, that this Hebrew guy he knows can help him out. Joseph predicts a famine in Egypt after 7 bountiful years and is made governor of Egypt, second only to Pharoah.

Joseph's brothers and father hear that Egypt has some food stored up because Egypt understands the concept of savings accounts. All but one brother, the youngest and Joseph's only fully blood-related brother, go down to Egypt to ask Joseph for food (not knowing that Joseph is Joseph). Joseph keeps them in the dark, takes one brother hostage so he can see his youngest brother, and puts them through some tests of morality. After he freaks his brothers out that he's going to kill his younger brother Benjamin, Joseph can keep a straight face no longer and yells, "Ahaha, you've been X-Punk'd!" They feast and are invited to stay in Egypt.

Jacob prepares for death and gives his sons, later known as the 12 tribes of Israel, some land. Of course no one is happy, and later in the Torah an arbitrator is called in to settle the dispute. It took a while, but most of it got worked out.

Joseph dies. No big story there, he just sort of keels over.