December 27, 2006

The Zone

Welcome to the Friend Zone. You've undoubtedly heard of this place in obscure texts and the backrooms of bars, but I'm here to welcome you to the real thing. Within this you will find out how to tell if you're in the Friend Zone, what it means, and the permanent disarray your life will soon fall into.

First, before anything else, you must know whether or not you're in the Friend Zone. Do any of these phrases sound familiar (and you're not dating the person)? "I love you", "You're like a brother to me", "You're my best guy friend", or "Braid my hair"? If these sound familiar, welcome to the friend zone.

Now, we must define what it means to be in the Friend Zone. To be in the friend zone means you will have a lack of romantic relationships. This isn't a death sentence for your romance life, but it will probably mean you'll be without a woman until you're at least 65. But, most likely, you'll die without ever having gone out with a woman. You will, though, be the first one all of your girl friends (note the space) call or talk to when they have a problem or need some upliftment. Hopefully you enjoy listening about how some guy who is way worse than you is making out with the love of your life, because you'll be listening to that a lot.

How does one enter this perilous area of a inter-sex relationship? It most likely arises out of a crush you have on a woman. Don't feel too bad, women don't understand its impossible to be friends and not want to go out with them. They basically don't know any better.

But, how you let it go on for more than a month is completely your fault. You probably let your sense of humor, sensitivity, or lack of guts go on far too long. As soon as you entered that level of good friend, but not best (or one of the best) you should have taken the step to asking out your crush. Odds are, you probably stood a good chance of success.

Of course, dwelling on the past will not help you out of the Friend Zone. You must prepare to leave this crushing zone of life forever. Here you can either go for the one you love, or not repeat your mistakes and hope you recover from your lost love. But, lets try to get the one you want right now.

First, if you're somewhat physically unattractive, change your major flaws. Sometimes a simple shower helps (especially if you only take one every 4 days, in which case you should marvel that you have a friend). Sometimes simply changing your style helps. Other times, its actually changing your personal attributes. If this is the case, build up a good amount of capital, and change yourself using the assistance of a local plastic surgeon (or, if not in LA, a trip to LA and visit to a plastic surgeon). If you're fat, hit the gym (or see the previous advice...which is recommended above going to the gym, because women love when you change yourself with money and quick-fixes).

Lastly, you must change your personality. Just tone everything she likes down, and mimic her current (or past) boyfriend. This means stepping up the meanness, teasing, and, depending on the girl/woman, compliments. The last one is iffy, because not every female likes compliments. Just watch out for that one. But definitely step up on the negativity.

Well, thats it. If you're in the Friend Zone, you can hopefully get out. If you're not in it, don't get in it. If you do, a whole lot of clawing your way out of it lies ahead for you. Men, stay out of...The Friend Zone

1 comment:

aaron said...

Weird as this is, it is so completely true. Being "safe" is the surest way to never being in a relationship with a woman, except perhaps one who already is married. (Bad idea.) Actually, though, letting your aggressive side out can be quite enjoyable, so it's not that bad. Then again, this is from a guy who just spent the last half a week obsessing about a girl who has been his friend for three years and currently has a nice, but immature boyfriend. But I'm trying to just let go of all that.