The Life and Times of Jesus

God:

Son! Its time to get up! You've got People to save

Jesus:

Just 5 more minutes, Dad

God:

No, Jesus, now!

Jesus:

Fine, I'm goin', I'm goin'. So which people do I have to save?

God:

Oh, you know...all of them

Jesus:

What?! How am I supposed to save all of them...and why on Christmas?!

God:

Stop complaining. I swear, you kids today...I had to go down to earth as a fiery bush. You think I wanted to do that? No, of course not, you know how easily I sweat. But I did it. These kids [mumbles off]

Jesus:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine, I'll get dressed.

A little bit after the birth of mortal Jesus

Jesus:

Okay, Dad, you owe me. I'm down here and I just had to put up with the worst drummer in the world for about 3 hours straight. Ba-rum-bum-bum, over and over again. You'd think he could do another song, but does he? No, just ba-rum-bum-bum.

Years later, Jesus has grown up and is at a party (where the DJ plays something other than ba-rum-bum-bum as a beat)

Mary Magdalene:

C'mon, JC, let's get out on the dance floor!

Jesus:

No, Mary...I've got a very important role here. I serve the water. Now beat it, I've got a line of customers who's thirsts need quenching.

Mary Magdalene:

Fine! You're such a wallflower, JC!

[James cuts in front of Peter]

James:

Hey, man. Move it!

Peter:

I did move it. Right in front of you. Got a problem with that?

James:

Oh yeah? Well now I'm moving in front of you! [Pulls Peter behind him by shirt]

Peter:

HEY! [Shoving match ensues, during which the water gets knocked over]

Bystander:

There goes Jesus and his gang of hoodlums again

Jesus:

Oh, c'mon you guys! Look at what you did! Now how are people going to get a drink? [Fight stops]

James:

Aw cool out, JC. No one wanted your stupid water anyway. Everyones leaving for the Roman party. They have booze. Speaking of, I'm out of here. C'mon Petey!

Jesus:

You're not going anywhere. The Romans want to compete with the Chosen One's Chosen Party, huh? We'll see about that! [Snaps fingers and water turns to wine, DJ appears and a large lit menorah descends from the ceiling]

James:

Uh-oh! Now you've got the party started. Woot woot!

Peter:

[Runs out door] Hey, Judas, c'mon back, Jesus did some snappy thing with his fingers and now we've got a real party goin' on.

Jesus and the apostles finally leave the party at 1:30am.

Judas:

I'm hungry! Lets go get something to eat

Peter:

Yeah, except its 1:30 in the morning. Where are we going to go, you idiot? Think with your head, Judas

Judas:

I don't know where we can go, I'm just saying we should go somewhere

Peter:

And, again, I point out to you that even King Danny's is closed right now

James:

Its fine, its fine. We'll go on my boat and fish for some food.

Peter:

See, Judas, this is who you want to be like

Jesus:

Peter, shut up. Lets go get some fish [Jesus and apostles go to James' boat and head out to sea] Hey, Peter, come check this out! I think I got one [Peter walks over to Jesus]

Peter:

Really?!

Jesus:

No [Splashes Peter with water then runs on the boat to get away]

Peter:

Oh, you're gonna get it [Laughing, splashes water in Jesus' direction. Jesus runs around, but slips on some water and stumbles off of the boat into water]

Apostles:

Oh, crap!

Judas:

I knew we shouldn't be horse playing on the boat

Peter:

Shut up, Judas!

Jesus:

[Walks back on the boat, completely dry] Its fine, I'm fine. Take it easy...stupid devil water.

Judas:

B-but how did you...?

Jesus:

What? Did you guys think all I could do was get people plastered?

James:

Well, while you were out there, did you grab some fish for us to eat?

Apostles:

James!

Jesus:

No, James, while I was performing my miracle and trying to impress you guys by walking on water I guess I forgot to grab you some fish. Sorry

James:

I was just asking...Jesus!

Jesus:

Yeah?

James:

What? Oh, nothing...

Time passes and eventually Jesus gains in followers. He apparently has some message that hes now attached to his miracles. Now if he only played basketball he'd be a triple threat. This makes the Romans nervous, and eventually Jesus gets word of their plan to stop him.

Jesus:

So this is your big plan? Send your only begotten son out to get killed by these...these sinners?

God:

By you sacrificing yourself their sins will be atoned for

Jesus:

Why? You know they'll go right back to sinning. I mean, seriously, one of my own apostles ratted me out

God:

Well, yeah, he did. But he felt really bad about it

Jesus:

Oh yeah? Wow...that must be brutal. Does he want to join me?

God:

No, he's busy hanging around some olive tree

Jesus:

Psh...figures. I should have let Peter beat him up

God:

No, literally, hes hanging. He killed himself

Jesus:

Oh...y'know you could've told me that a little earlier. Now I feel like a jerk.

God:

Well...it was a jerky thing to say

Jesus:

Oh, is this how you want to send me off? Feeling like a jerk? Thanks, Dad!

Crucifixion goes ahead...even I'm not going to tackle that and make it funny...yet. Jesus is now in heaven with God 2000 years later

Jesus:

Dang it, everywhere I turn I see a cross

God:

Its a sign of the people's love for you.

Jesus:

Oh yeah. Because I really want to see a flipping cross. I mean, it brings back so many good memories for me. You know what? Eff 'em. You need he;p throwing down those dinosaur bones, Dad?*

*RIP Bill Hicks