I'd like to report a rise in crime

The wretched day has befallen us, citizens. We are about to see the largest crime hike of any day in the year. Proof that the youth is being corrupted.

Tonight is the night of being threatened and extorted. No, the mob has not disappeared from the racketeering scene, it has merely begun to go unnoticed. Rather than attacking businesses, they attack private homes. Rather than dressed in cool leather jackets with New York accents, they dawn the voice of children and wear masks so no one can know their true identity. The night I'm talking about, ladies and gentleman, is Halloween.

Yes, this supposed day of fun and laughter is nothing more than an elaborate extortion racket. Worse than big business, little children are indoctrinated and sent out by parents to give a victim an ultimatum: trick or treat. The not so vague statement lets the unsuspecting victim know the child's intentions: give me a treat, or you'll get a trick. The trick often comes in the worst form of crime, no less, vandalism of public property.

And to you parents out there, what kind of sick freaks are you? Is it that embarrassing to go buy candy yourself that you have to send your child out in a disguise to get some for you? Are these the values you want your children to learn? Give me what I want or suffer the consequences? In my view, the parents allowing this should be locked up or have their children taken away from them...permanently.

We must stop this perversion of our youth, America! I, for one, will stand up, hold my head high, and refuse to give candy to these misled youths who have been turned into cretins. I have no fear of the consequences. Sacrificing my morals would be the biggest consequence of any. I urge you to unite with me, faithful citizens, as we say to the children of this great nation "We will not be intimidated!"