Apollo and Yahweh: BFFs

Apollo,

So, how are things over in your neck of the woods? I've been pretty busy. You see, I've got to lead an entire group of complainers out of an oppressive land. It's not the easiest thing to do when your people get gas from every imaginable food. I'm not sure why I made my people with such poor gastro-intestinal fortitude.

So, I heard through the god pipeline that you buried some of your people in volcanic ash. Very nifty. I hadn't quite thought of that one. I tried the water thing for the entire population. Talk about a mess. You can't even tell where my handy-work was on that one. Bodies decomposed quickly and the water simply evaporated and/or got absorbed back into the ground. Now my people don't even fear me. I bet your people aren't like that. They probably follow your rules. Mine barely remember Synagogue on Saturday, let alone keeping kosher. Your people walk around, see a bunch of people buried in ash and go; “Yeah, we better not f#$% with Apollo”.

Of course, what are they going to do, not have random sex in bath houses? Maybe that's why my people are a minority no matter where they go, I'm too strict. Maybe I should loosen up a little bit. Of course, Machiavelli will get it right one day, it's good to be feared and loved, but if all else fails, it's better to be feared.

Well, my old friend, it's time for me to go, I feel bloated. I look forward to your response, we've built up quite the rapport these last few centuries.

All the best,

Yahweh

79 CE

Yahweh,

We have built up quite the rapport. But don't get too touchy-feely, I'm not Zeus (I'm the god of the flaming sun, but I'm no flamer).

I'm not sure why you're people always get such bad gas. But, trust me, my people have noticed it. We go in to Judea to conquer your land and don't even get any resistance. Half of your people have upset stomachs and don't want to move, and the other half have a debilitating phobia of knives. Maybe in the future you can get them into some sort of specialist with matters of the mind.

My people do know not to mess with me. I make things happen. I'm not an armchair-God like you. I take charge. Free will is just a crazy myth to my people. They know the world is determined by two things: the gods and the army. Oh, and the emperor has some say too, but only until the army ousts him in a bloody coup.

You should really look into less repressive rules. I let my people indulge in all of the reckless behavior they desire. All I ask is they go to my temple. What's the worst that could happen, a minimal belief in the power of the gods that will lead to the downfall of paganism and the rise of monotheism? Highly unlikely.

I should let you know we've been having some problems with the Jews in some areas. We might have to destroy some things. No worries, though, we won't destroy much. I'll let you know how that goes in about two years or so.

I better get going now. Osiris wants to go play soccer. I hate playing with him though, he always throws sand in my eyes in order to score. Now that's a god who could use some commandments.

Regards,

'Pollo

79 CE

Part 2 from this enthralling seris next week!