Fuzzy Cats and Bombs

Over the course of a few years, I've seen many news stories come and go. I've watched as the most successful articles are published. That's not to say that the less-popular articles are bad, they just sometimes lack a certain amount of 'zazz. I've decided to inform potential journalists of America how to write an award-winning article without having ever done it myself, of course.

The first thing you need to do is create a story. An okay reporter just tells you the facts. A good reporter tells you the facts, but makes a story to go along with those facts. A great reporter skips what the okay reporter does, and just makes up a story. The best thing to do is write what you want to say. For example, I want to report in a newspaper that today, Martians invaded Earth and have killed thousands of people. That's my story. Do I have facts to back it up? Hell no. But, wait, what's this? A world-famous person did a radio show announcing the same thing? Well, let's get that transcript and let everyone know that we have a source backing us up. See, now Martians have officially invaded Earth, the media told me so.

Of course, no story is good without a loveable character. This is where you get an animal involved. For our story, an animal is the first one killed. We'll go even further to say that it is the animals who unite and try to take back planet earth. Our lead for this will be a border collie named Lascivious, or Lassie for short. Remember, when reporting, cliche is good, but outright name stealing is best.

Now that you've got a hero all picked out for your news story, you must figure out how to have a happy ending. You must always remember your audience's lives are crappy, so you must make them better. We started off with a furry animal being killed, but now it's the Martians turn. The animals unite, get M-16's (these animals buy American, always) and go out and kill some Martian butt. If you have a dog or two flying a plane, even better. Drop some bunker-busters on those space freaks. The more blood and guts the better. The story will end after a prolonged battle and the total destruction of martian civilization.

You're not home-free yet. After all of this you've got to think of a title for your award-winning news story. The title can't give away the story. "Martians Attack" gives it away. Keep it cryptic. Asking the reader a question is usually a good way to go. "Did Martians Attack?" or "Is the World Under Attack?" should work. When in doubt, go for a short title. "The" should get you a Peabody in no time.

There you have it, your key to writing a winning article. Remember "fuzzy cats and bombs" and every news article you write will be a winner!