Water: Man's biggest addiction

It's 4 p.m. I look down at my table, 4 large bottles of water are before me, all empty. I get up. I go to the restroom. On my way back to the couch, I take a detour to the refrigerator to grab a bottle of water. It hits me: I'm addicted, and you are too. Yes, citizens of the United States, we're addicted to water, the oppressor of Man everywhere.

As we've sat back and let politicians and religious zealots make decisions about our alcohol consumption and dieticians tell us soda is bad for us, we've had a monster lurking amongst us. We all need it. We can't function without it. Our body craves it, our mind wants it, and we give in to the demon every so often. We drink it with meals now, we drink it from bottles filtered for purity or from faucets that give it a distinct metal taste. All the while we let it take over our lives; water is the real evil.

I looked up some diseases today. Malaria is brought forth from mosquitoes, an insect that without water would not be around. Dysentary is often brought on by drinking unclean water. Yet the people continue to drink it. We continue to drink it not because we like it, or because we think it's good for us, we drink it because we're addicted to it. All the while thousands, even millions die from bacterium and diseases caused directly or indirectly from water consumption.

Earlier this year I watched scenes from Lawrence of Arabia. You know why some people get killed in the middle east? It's not because of any sort of religious extremism or a crazy leader, it's because someone drank from another person's well. A poor civilian was killed because of his need for a water fix, and his killer was only happy to oblige in offering violence as a stranger stole from his "private stash".

And what about poor Lassie? Lassie almost lost her owner countless times, and her owner almost lost his friends countless times, all because of water. In an effort to get a cool refreshment, these poor children fell and got stuck in wells. But this is no Hollywood story. This happens every day, to children just like the ones you love. In an effort to cool down they reach into the belly of the beast, trying to get their first fix of water in a while, when they fall into a deep crevasse, never to be seen or heard again. You might see a rescue story on the news about such a child: they're the lucky ones, saved just before imminent doom. Most aren't so lucky.

I say, no more! We must fight back against the ills that water has brought forth unto our society, and the world as a whole. We must fight back. We must break the yoke of oppression! Boycott water, write letters to your congressman, and let the world know we will not take this oppression any longer! Faithful readers, we must unite, we must fight back, we must stop the madness!