I'm getting in on this...

I've decided it's time to start my own religion. You see, I was sitting around today in an LDS Church when it hit me: I could make serious bank off of this whole church racket. All I have to do is come up with a nice little set of things to do, maybe throw in a prophet or two (myself included) and, voila! I now have a church.

Now I recognize this isn't going to be an easy task. But, I figure if some Spanish guy named Jesus can do it, so can I. My plan is simply fool proof. I'll first predict some very basic things. "I think tomorrow the sun will rise" will be many of my prophecies. This will not suffice the entire way through, however, so I must come up with better prophecies. I'll have to predict that one day, months from now, we will have many days of rain, and even the leaves will change color. This will surely grab the people's attention, as I have just predicted for them not only a season of harvest, but a notice on when to stock-up on food.

No religion is golden without a platform, of course. I'll make various rules from various religions, and even add a few of my own into it. Here, though, I run into quite the conflict. My personal philosophy is do as you please, as long as it's the key to the easiest route in the long-run. You need not follow organized religion, in my view, for it is simply another person's belief about how you should live. Let others judge you, but don't let others live for you. This, however, goes against numerous ideas of a normal, western philosophy. I might have to look into devaluing some of my values in order to gain other values (such as gold, platinum, and a house).

My first rule will be to put a limit on the amount of children you may have. I recognize this is a horrible way for the congregation to grow, but look, we sort of have enough. Besides, after sitting in that LDS Church listening to screaming kids, I've come to realize at a certain point, enough is enough. I've chosen the number of 2.5 kids max. Why the decimal? you may ask. Well, the answer is simple: in my church, you're allowed to have one stupid kid. But that stupid kid only counts as half a person. I wouldn't want a parents' children to be maxed out at 2, with one stupid and one dumb. I'm serious though; only one stupid kid. We don't want tons of them giving our congregation a bad name, do we? I didn't think so.

My second rule will be to donate 5% of your check to "The Church" (i.e. me). I've chosen 5% because I've got to stay competitive with the other Churches that exist today, and 5% is well below the standard 10%. I figure people won't even know how much they're giving away this way, which is all the better for me, all I need is a bunch of people getting all inquisitive. When I roll past them on my sweet new motorcycle on my way back to my mansion and they roll past me on the bus, the last thing I want to hear is "So, where's all of our money going?" That definitely wouldn't be good.

My third rule will be to do whatever you like, as long as it's what I like. Okay, not really. I figure, just sort of do what you want, provided it'll make everything easier in the long-run. In my religion, God wants people to have an easy life, so He makes life with choices. If you follow one way, which is easy right then, you might have a hard road later on. It could be the opposite, choose the hard way, you get the easy way in the long-run. Or, it could be choose the easy way, get the easy way. In my religion, God is sort of confusing.

Now, no religion or idea is good without a slogan. I've put much thought into what this slogan should be, and I've decided on "...". It sort of adds a mysterious component to the whole thing. What does "..." mean to you? How can you best act out "..."? What's God purpose for you with "..."? People will be enticed by my slogan, and will therefore come to my meetings to find out the answers.

This brings me to the style of our church meetings. I'll have to hand-select all speakers for the various churches. I won't leave it open to the public, since not many people are gifted public speakers. I want people with the flair of Hitler, but a tad bit more calm. Picture, if you will, Hitler, had he gone to therapy once or twice. Once the Church grows I'll have to outsource some of my minister picking duties to some well-qualified Chinese boy for .25 cents per hour. I will encourage all of my speakers to go and intermingle with the crowd while giving a "sermon". I'll also encourage most of it should be done as a comedy show, with jokes, but making sure to prove a point with their "routine". If only I could get Lenny Bruce to come back from the dead...

Lastly I must think of a name. I've decided the longer the better. I'm leaning towards "Church of the True Prophets Including, But Not Limited To, Moses, Jesus, Mohammed, and Garrett as Part of the Teachings of A Better, More Awesome Life". That's just a rough-draft of the name, but it will probably resemble that.

Well, that about does it for my religion. I've got to go get "Divinely Inspired" to write my book(s) that will change the lives of millions all around the world.