Question of the Every Other Day, 7-10-06

Question: Do I have Autism?

Answer:
Despite popular belief, no, I don't have any form of autism. You won't necessarily get this same answer from everyone. Apparently anyone that watches a 10 minute special on Dateline is now a certified psychiatrist and can diagnose any mental ailments in a snap.

Take, for example, my mom. I was walking through the grocery store in Salem with her today. Salem is a city that's many hundreds of miles from LA, but thinks it is LA. And by LA I mean it has ugly streets with crappy stores on either side, traffic galore, and stupid people at every turn. But I digress. My mom said to me in the store that she thinks I have autism, and as a way to show her credentials she mentioned she watched a show about it on TV. But, this isn't just any show, it's a show that only has 10 minute pieces of "journalism". I put that in quotes because it is keenly targeted to overzealous parents who wish to diagnose their children's "problems" with diseases, when in fact the child is just a regular person, who happens to have a few quirks about them.

So, what brought this diagnosis about from my mother, who's now going through her 4th year of 20/20 medical school, is that I made a comment when she got hit with a shopping cart. This wasn't just any shopping cart, however, it was our shopping cart. You might be curious as to how this would happen. Well, the answer is rather than pushing the cart, you know, where the handle is and where you can exert the most control over a deranged out of control shopping cart, my mom was pulling it along. This made no sense to me, as I would later point out.

"That's why they have the handle behind the cart" I said, laughing as she looked down at the little bit of torn epidermis on her ankle. Now, the conversation after that statement went something like this:
"I think you have autism" says my mom
"Why?" I say
"Because I watched a special and you had all the signs of autism"
"Oh yeah, like what?"
"Well, a lack of empathy, for starters. And unsympathetic to other people. And 'quirky' (that's the word my mom uses instead of saying I'm picky and rather weird)"
"What, just because I laugh when you get hit by a shopping cart I have autism?"
"Well, and the other stuff, but yeah, mostly the lack of empathy one"

I soon dropped the argument, knowing I couldn't prove to her I wan not autistic. I doubt she would be able to empathize with me being told I have a disorder without actually having it. Hmm...I think my mom's autistic.

The point is, what's wrong with being un-empathetic at times? If something is of no wrongdoing by the person, usually I at least sympathize with them. But when you're pulling a shopping cart, and can't choreograph stopping your arm and your legs at the same time, you should probably get laughed at. Does this mean I have autism? No, not really. Could I have it? I don't know, I don't care, I'm doing fine as is, thank you very much.

Of course, this wasn't the first time I've been accused of having a form of autism by my mom. There was an entire Asperger's fiasco, in which she thought I had a mild form of autism known as Asperger's. It was something about me being a picky eater, unsympathetic with a lack of social skills...and then I just sort of tuned out and laughed at the name Asperger's (say it, I guarantee you'll find it crudely humorous).

Anyways, I'm not autistic. Unique? Yes. I refuse to categorize myself as having any disorder, it's not my fault I can't be pinned down with a label. I guess what I'm saying is I'm basically the James Dean of nerds, rebelling against all labels. I guess you could label me a rebel. Ha! The irony...