Question of the Every Other Day, 7-12-06

Question: Are you Mormon?

Answer:
First, it should be noted that this is a hilarious question to a few people because of a certain Seattle trip. To those people: I don't think she is/was, but I hated her just like the fish monger did.

Anyways, my mom asked me if I was thinking of converting after I told her I went to church, and didn't mind it that much. Somehow that means I'm thinking of converting. While I did quite enjoy church, there are a few reasons I won't be converting, which I'll discuss later.

First I'd like to give what I did like about church. First, sacrament was primo stuff. The only other church I can remember that I've been to gave horribly stale saltine crackers out, and this wannabe Welch's grape juice stuff. I'm not a big fan of grape juice, so the crappy grape juice made me realize that this church was committing one of the worst sins a church could commit: serving crap food. The stuff at the LDS Church, not so bad. The bread was fairly good, fresh even. A lot better than the bread they gave us on the aforementioned Seattle trip. But I digress. I figure any church that can invest in fresh bread is ok with me. Plus they gave water with the bread, which I prefer to grape juice. Oh, and they had these stylin' trays for the water cups. They know how to spend their money the right way.

I also enjoyed the padded seating, but the seats could be more ergonomically sound. But, none the less, the seats were pretty good. I'm used to either folding chairs or plain wood to sit on, so the padding was nice. Despite my build, I'm cursed with a typical White Guy butt, limited padding and a tad boney. I will say I got a neck ache during the little talky-thingies, but I'm attributing this to my poor posture while at Sacrament.

I will now give the reasons I won't be converting any time soon. First, I think all religions are just less-weird cults. Seriously, the only thing between Christianity and Heaven's Gate is a bowl of punch in my opinion.

Another reason I won't be converting to the Mormon Church specifically is I'd feel way too much pressure. I mean, first I have the pressure to have children, which is pretty darn important in that religion. I mean, look, I don't really like tons of kids; 3's my maximum. Plus, I'd like to adopt more than have my own kids. I figure there's enough Chinese babies for the Church 10 times over. But I'd also feel pressure to show up for Church events. Look, I just want to come in, listen to some people speak, and be on my way. All these events make them worse than the boy scouts. Seriously, camping, helping people, missions? What the crap? I've got stuff to do, like commit blasphemy for the sake of humor.

Lastly, I'm just too much of a rebel for any Church. I like to argue way too much. I think when I die God and me will start a debate club (side note: God and me is the correct grammatical usage, since God and me aren't the subject of the sentence). Anyways, I like to question authority way too much. Even when I don't believe what I'm arguing I still do. I doubt any Church wants a guy sitting there rolling their eyes in church calling the speaker an idiot. I'd be that guy rolling his eyes.

So, no, I'm not Mormon. I'm not affiliated with any religion. I'm spiritual, that's pretty much enough for me. I don't have any qualms with converting for a marriage, however, but I will ex-communicate myself after the honeymoon.

Here's a good site to learn about things in which you don't believe, or may even loathe