Question of the Week 8-1-06

Question: Why do stupid and manipulative people get rewarded? (Submitted by one Shana Brown)

Answer:
Stupid people are rewarded simply because stupid people are awesome. Without stupid people, at whom would we laugh? I'll tell you who we'd laugh at: crippies. And no one really likes to laugh at people who can't walk, but when there's a lack of stupid people, where are we to go for giggles? By rewarding stupid people we breed more stupid people at which to laugh, thereby creating a cycle of stupid, with laughs being the payoff for the non-stupid people, money or other rewards for stupid people, and a lack of teasing for crippled people. It's what America runs upon, and I, for one, would like to see more stupid people. Yes, I would like to see more stupid people in America. We must reward more stupid people, so we can have more laughs! Smart people unite!

The answer to why we reward manipulative people is quite simple: they're manipulative. Meriam-Webster's online dictionary defines manipulative as such:

2 a : to manage or utilize skillfully b : to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage
3 : to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose

Now, anyone who can control and apply artful, unfair, or insidious means to one's own advantage must be pretty good at getting rewards. While these people often employ the worst terrorist tactics to get what they want, such as crying or hitting, said people are often rewarded after a while. I don't know about you, faithful reader, but I can only take so much of a kid holding their breath before I give in. I know they'll be able to breathe eventually, but they never get out of the way of the TV when they do this little trick. Sneaky little kids.

Any adult who is manipulative doesn't really matter, however. They often manipulate by sucking up and being jerks. While no one really minds a jerk, a jerk that is a suck-up is the worst. Even God hates them. While they often get their rewards, most people hate them and will eventually "accidentally" punch them in the face, and keep doing so for minutes on end. This is what we like to call ironic, since now we're manipulating a person to shut the crap up by punching them. What a vicious cycle life is.

Hopefully this answers your question Shana Brown. If not, I'll send you a free T-Shirt of...well something that has nothing to do with this site, since my graphic designer, uh, doesn't exist.