This just in: France won't send more troops to secure Lebanon. The current status of French troops as part of a UN peacekeeping force is to sit on the waters, eat cheese and shout orders to soldiers actually in harm's way (most likely Americans, British, and Poland or something).
I think this shows how much the French actually care about the status of people in foreign lands. After we go free oppressed citzens in Iraq and they give us crap for it, they, of course, refuse send more troops to help a war-torn region in an effort to keep the peace. This makes complete logical sense, since both attacking a country and saving it from an attack are the same thing.
But, the French military has more important things to do, obviously. They not only must prepare for a looming German invasion, during which they'll run into their impenetrable Maginot line (since it's not like Germany can go around a stationary limited firing range line of guns) but they must also keep Muslim girls from wearing headscarves. It must be so hard keeping a country safe from the influence of religion (by trying to ban it outright).
Yes, the French, giving you personal freedom by banning it and not protecting you from oppressive extremists. This, ladies and gentleman, is the quintessential modern liberal state.
August 17, 2006
August 13, 2006
Garrett reads the Torah: Genesis
I've decided to spare people the arduous task of reading the Torah, and eventually from reading the entire Tanakh. Here is a summary of Genesis:
God gets bored. God creates Earth as his own little ant farm, complete with miniature trees and cool burrows for his ants (Man). He creates all life in 6 days, gets tired, and keeps everybody up with his snoring.
Adam gets lonely and needs a little action. He gives up a rib to God so God can create Eve. Apparently God forgot to keep a carbon-copy of Man with him and needed a little DNA from Adam. God threatens death upon Adam and Eve if they eat from the knowledge tree. Apparently death didn't really bug Eve, since she talked with the serpent and ate from the freaking tree. What a n00b. God, always the softy, kicks Adam and Eve out of Eden, a utopia, for eating from the tree. Apparently the concept of lying to God to cover your butt wasn't around back then, because apparently God didn't know they ate from the tree until, on God's afternoon stroll through Eden, he came across Adam and Eve covered up and asked them why they had done so. Adam answered truthfully. They got kicked out. Pwned.
Cain, one of Adam's sons, gets jealous of his brother, Able, and kills him. He gets kicked out. How the human population survived is a mystery that has yet to be solved. They did have more kids, but how future generations didn't come out with hemophilia and extra limbs is a mystery.
People get a little unruly. God finds Noah, a righteous man, and tells him to build an ark and put two of everything on it. How he fit two of every animal into 300 cubits is another bible mystery. Apparently God's never been one for logical architecture. Noah doesn't even try to save human-kind, but just goes along and builds his ark. A flood comes and wipes everyone out. Noah sends a bird out, shoots him with a bb gun and if he hears a splash he knows it's not time to step out of the ark yet. Eventually a dove takes an olive branch, which gives Noah the opportunity for a direct head-shot. No splash, so everyone steps out of the ark.
After a prolonged genealogy explanation we find out that Man wants to build a tower into heaven. God likes his personal space, so he demolishes the tower with his transformer-like wrecking ball finger and separates people with nations and different languages.
Abraham is born. After some time of being just Abram, God promises to watch over Abraham and his people provided he gets circumcised. Abram doesn't quite get the easy life he might expect after such an event, but he does get a cooler name, Abraham.
God goes on a power trip and prepares to destroy two cities, Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham, unlike his predecessors, grows a spine when faced with large death tolls of his people. He argues with God, trying to get him to spare the city if there are 50 righteous, then 40, all the way down to 10. Didn't work out in the end, Lot and his family were it for the righteous. Goodbye Sodom and Gomorrah hello condos!
Now God says that Abraham must sacrifice his only son, Isaac, to prove his faithfulness. First, Isaac is an idiot, his dad said they were making a goat offering yet had no goat. You didn't recognize something was awry here, Isaac? After Abraham nearly throws his son onto the fire, God stops him and gives Abraham a goat instead. God gets a thank you from Abraham (for whatever reason), and Isaac gets a shopping spree at Toys R Us from Abraham provided Isaac never tells his mom what happened.
Isaac grows up, gets a hottie wife named Rebekah. She gives Isaac twins, but not before the Lord throws a wrench into the whole birthright deal and says the elder shall serve the younger. After a long hunting expedition, the eldest sells Jacob his birthright in order to stay alive. This says all kinds of things about Jacob, whom almost let his brother die in order to get some cattle from his dad Isaac. Jacob also gets his brother's blessing from his dying father. Jacob knows Isaac is pretty upset, so smartly he runs away.
Jacob has a dream at Beersheba and is promised land from God. Palestinians still have yet to receive this memo.
When Jacob sees Rachel, a hottie living in his new area, he offers to work for 7 years for her father in order to receive Rachel's hand in marriage. The guy, knowing Jacob is a border-hopping illegal immigrant, takes the offer but instead offers his eldest daughter instead. Jacob says he wants Rachel, then works for 7 more years in order to receive her hand in marriage. The sisters then fight for the most babies in the world, enlisting the services of their handmaids as the feud progresses. Jacob gets fed up and wants to leave, with payment for another 7 years of his work. He wants spotted and striped goats, but in a move of cunning Laban, for whom Jacob had been working, takes all of them. Jacob eventually cross-breeds better than a 16th century monk and gets the strongest goats as spotted and striped.
Jacob gets into a fight with an angel, and after being stabbed with the angel's switch blade, still wins. Jacob is re-named Israel, but the Torah continues to call him Jacob for quite some time. The angel goes back to pump some iron after losing to a mortal. The angel is also now known as Girly McAngel, and all the angels make fun of him.
Jacob goes to meet his brother, Esau, after being away for 20 years. Jacob gets word Esau is coming and splits up his wealth and family. He goes to meet Esau, ready to give him a gift and Esau hugs Jacob and refuses to take the gift. Jacob, always the pushier brother, makes Esau take the gift and join him in his quest to take over the world.
While this next part isn't super important, it's pretty cool. Dinah, one of Jacob's daughters gets raped by the prince of the Hivities, Shechem. Jacob agrees to make peace, provided they join Israel and all the men become circumcised. On the 3rd day of the male's recovery, the brothers of Dinah go into the city and slay all the men. No chosen people of God will be harlots. Jewish families represent!
Joseph, Rachel's eldest son, has a dream that all of his brothers and even his father will one day bow to him. The brothers take him for an idiot, since he's about 4th or 5th on the pecking order. The brothers conspire to kill Joseph, but decide they'd instead like to make some money, so they do the nobler deed and sell him into slavery.
Joseph, now a slave for Pharoah's officer, Potiphar, refuses to sleep with Potiphar's wife. Joseph was never really into powerful women anyways. The wife fakes an attack by Joseph after Joseph runs away like a girl and leaves his ripped clothes in Potiphar's wife's hands. Joseph is thrown into jail, but turns into the jailhouse snitch or something, since he gets a lot of power from the guards. He interprets some dreams for Pharoah's servants, now in jail, and when one gets out he tells Pharoah, after many years and once Pharoah has some crazy dreams, that this Hebrew guy he knows can help him out. Joseph predicts a famine in Egypt after 7 bountiful years and is made governor of Egypt, second only to Pharoah.
Joseph's brothers and father hear that Egypt has some food stored up because Egypt understands the concept of savings accounts. All but one brother, the youngest and Joseph's only fully blood-related brother, go down to Egypt to ask Joseph for food (not knowing that Joseph is Joseph). Joseph keeps them in the dark, takes one brother hostage so he can see his youngest brother, and puts them through some tests of morality. After he freaks his brothers out that he's going to kill his younger brother Benjamin, Joseph can keep a straight face no longer and yells, "Ahaha, you've been X-Punk'd!" They feast and are invited to stay in Egypt.
Jacob prepares for death and gives his sons, later known as the 12 tribes of Israel, some land. Of course no one is happy, and later in the Torah an arbitrator is called in to settle the dispute. It took a while, but most of it got worked out.
Joseph dies. No big story there, he just sort of keels over.
God gets bored. God creates Earth as his own little ant farm, complete with miniature trees and cool burrows for his ants (Man). He creates all life in 6 days, gets tired, and keeps everybody up with his snoring.
Adam gets lonely and needs a little action. He gives up a rib to God so God can create Eve. Apparently God forgot to keep a carbon-copy of Man with him and needed a little DNA from Adam. God threatens death upon Adam and Eve if they eat from the knowledge tree. Apparently death didn't really bug Eve, since she talked with the serpent and ate from the freaking tree. What a n00b. God, always the softy, kicks Adam and Eve out of Eden, a utopia, for eating from the tree. Apparently the concept of lying to God to cover your butt wasn't around back then, because apparently God didn't know they ate from the tree until, on God's afternoon stroll through Eden, he came across Adam and Eve covered up and asked them why they had done so. Adam answered truthfully. They got kicked out. Pwned.
Cain, one of Adam's sons, gets jealous of his brother, Able, and kills him. He gets kicked out. How the human population survived is a mystery that has yet to be solved. They did have more kids, but how future generations didn't come out with hemophilia and extra limbs is a mystery.
People get a little unruly. God finds Noah, a righteous man, and tells him to build an ark and put two of everything on it. How he fit two of every animal into 300 cubits is another bible mystery. Apparently God's never been one for logical architecture. Noah doesn't even try to save human-kind, but just goes along and builds his ark. A flood comes and wipes everyone out. Noah sends a bird out, shoots him with a bb gun and if he hears a splash he knows it's not time to step out of the ark yet. Eventually a dove takes an olive branch, which gives Noah the opportunity for a direct head-shot. No splash, so everyone steps out of the ark.
After a prolonged genealogy explanation we find out that Man wants to build a tower into heaven. God likes his personal space, so he demolishes the tower with his transformer-like wrecking ball finger and separates people with nations and different languages.
Abraham is born. After some time of being just Abram, God promises to watch over Abraham and his people provided he gets circumcised. Abram doesn't quite get the easy life he might expect after such an event, but he does get a cooler name, Abraham.
God goes on a power trip and prepares to destroy two cities, Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham, unlike his predecessors, grows a spine when faced with large death tolls of his people. He argues with God, trying to get him to spare the city if there are 50 righteous, then 40, all the way down to 10. Didn't work out in the end, Lot and his family were it for the righteous. Goodbye Sodom and Gomorrah hello condos!
Now God says that Abraham must sacrifice his only son, Isaac, to prove his faithfulness. First, Isaac is an idiot, his dad said they were making a goat offering yet had no goat. You didn't recognize something was awry here, Isaac? After Abraham nearly throws his son onto the fire, God stops him and gives Abraham a goat instead. God gets a thank you from Abraham (for whatever reason), and Isaac gets a shopping spree at Toys R Us from Abraham provided Isaac never tells his mom what happened.
Isaac grows up, gets a hottie wife named Rebekah. She gives Isaac twins, but not before the Lord throws a wrench into the whole birthright deal and says the elder shall serve the younger. After a long hunting expedition, the eldest sells Jacob his birthright in order to stay alive. This says all kinds of things about Jacob, whom almost let his brother die in order to get some cattle from his dad Isaac. Jacob also gets his brother's blessing from his dying father. Jacob knows Isaac is pretty upset, so smartly he runs away.
Jacob has a dream at Beersheba and is promised land from God. Palestinians still have yet to receive this memo.
When Jacob sees Rachel, a hottie living in his new area, he offers to work for 7 years for her father in order to receive Rachel's hand in marriage. The guy, knowing Jacob is a border-hopping illegal immigrant, takes the offer but instead offers his eldest daughter instead. Jacob says he wants Rachel, then works for 7 more years in order to receive her hand in marriage. The sisters then fight for the most babies in the world, enlisting the services of their handmaids as the feud progresses. Jacob gets fed up and wants to leave, with payment for another 7 years of his work. He wants spotted and striped goats, but in a move of cunning Laban, for whom Jacob had been working, takes all of them. Jacob eventually cross-breeds better than a 16th century monk and gets the strongest goats as spotted and striped.
Jacob gets into a fight with an angel, and after being stabbed with the angel's switch blade, still wins. Jacob is re-named Israel, but the Torah continues to call him Jacob for quite some time. The angel goes back to pump some iron after losing to a mortal. The angel is also now known as Girly McAngel, and all the angels make fun of him.
Jacob goes to meet his brother, Esau, after being away for 20 years. Jacob gets word Esau is coming and splits up his wealth and family. He goes to meet Esau, ready to give him a gift and Esau hugs Jacob and refuses to take the gift. Jacob, always the pushier brother, makes Esau take the gift and join him in his quest to take over the world.
While this next part isn't super important, it's pretty cool. Dinah, one of Jacob's daughters gets raped by the prince of the Hivities, Shechem. Jacob agrees to make peace, provided they join Israel and all the men become circumcised. On the 3rd day of the male's recovery, the brothers of Dinah go into the city and slay all the men. No chosen people of God will be harlots. Jewish families represent!
Joseph, Rachel's eldest son, has a dream that all of his brothers and even his father will one day bow to him. The brothers take him for an idiot, since he's about 4th or 5th on the pecking order. The brothers conspire to kill Joseph, but decide they'd instead like to make some money, so they do the nobler deed and sell him into slavery.
Joseph, now a slave for Pharoah's officer, Potiphar, refuses to sleep with Potiphar's wife. Joseph was never really into powerful women anyways. The wife fakes an attack by Joseph after Joseph runs away like a girl and leaves his ripped clothes in Potiphar's wife's hands. Joseph is thrown into jail, but turns into the jailhouse snitch or something, since he gets a lot of power from the guards. He interprets some dreams for Pharoah's servants, now in jail, and when one gets out he tells Pharoah, after many years and once Pharoah has some crazy dreams, that this Hebrew guy he knows can help him out. Joseph predicts a famine in Egypt after 7 bountiful years and is made governor of Egypt, second only to Pharoah.
Joseph's brothers and father hear that Egypt has some food stored up because Egypt understands the concept of savings accounts. All but one brother, the youngest and Joseph's only fully blood-related brother, go down to Egypt to ask Joseph for food (not knowing that Joseph is Joseph). Joseph keeps them in the dark, takes one brother hostage so he can see his youngest brother, and puts them through some tests of morality. After he freaks his brothers out that he's going to kill his younger brother Benjamin, Joseph can keep a straight face no longer and yells, "Ahaha, you've been X-Punk'd!" They feast and are invited to stay in Egypt.
Jacob prepares for death and gives his sons, later known as the 12 tribes of Israel, some land. Of course no one is happy, and later in the Torah an arbitrator is called in to settle the dispute. It took a while, but most of it got worked out.
Joseph dies. No big story there, he just sort of keels over.
August 10, 2006
The real reasons behind my conversion
I've decided to write a blog that can hopefully more fully explain why I'm possibly converting to Judaism. This is a pretty big step in my life, so I'm taking it with the utmost seriousness.
First, I want to have a reason for why I think God hates me sometimes. As a Jew, I would be able to say it's not actual hate, it's that I'm one of God's chosen people. God gives the one he loves the hardest time out of the group. It's sort of like when you got those strange looks from your cousin (you know, the one from Arkansas). You knew, deep down, it wasn't that your cousin just wanted to have a good ol' southern time with his cousin; you knew you were his favorite cousin. It's definitely like that, except God wouldn't be from Arkansas...I think He's definitely from a more respected southern state, like the Florida panhandle.
Also, I'm thinking of converting because now, if I learn Hebrew, I can finally impress the ladies with a romantic language. Nothing says “Come hither” like hocking up a loogie when you say Chello. Plus, if I learn Hebrew, think of all the good use I could put it to; all the businessmen speak it. Not only that, but so many countries have it as their national language. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to a foreign country, or even a place within our own country and said to myself, “Man! If only I knew Hebrew, life would be so much easier!” I can't wait to interact with all these millions, maybe even billions, of people around the world.
Now, no conversion would be complete without stating the most obvious reason for conversion: the women. Just think, I can have my own Jewish woman. Someone to nag at me, to overly protect our child, and look hot while doing it. Yes, I'll have my own perfect woman, all because I converted to Judaism. If that's not incentive enough to convert to a religion I don't know what is.
So there you have it, my 3 main reasons for possibly converting to Judaism. I feel they're probably the most well thought out reasons for converting to any religion. I know you undoubtedly feel the same, which is why I feel comfortable sharing this with you.
August 07, 2006
Your career guide
I know there are many graduates and people in limbo about what careers they should have. In an effort to ease some fears, I have made a career guide for you based on your religion.
Catholic:
Blue collar worker – Only applicable in the midwestern states of America
Child molester – Years of seminary training and own parish required
Child-bearer – For title you must have 4 kids or more
Irish resistance fighter – Red hair and personal beer mug required
Professional alcoholic – Irish preferred
Crusader – Hatred of Islam required
Jew:
Accountant
Banker – Interest for gentiles only
Doctor – Only available in California, Florida and New York
Mormon:
Permanent missionary – Love of half-hearted letters and ability to indiscriminately spread religion to random people required
Author of your own published journal – You could be the next Anne Frank, minus the oppression
Genealogist – Six Degrees of Brigham Young
Professional baby popper-outer
Muslim:
Religious extremist – Ability to burn flags required
Professional suicide bomber – One time only
Oil tycoon – Must give back all fortunes to the West by buying European cars and Hollywood movies
Protestant:
Televangelist – Must wrongly predict Armageddon at least once every 5 years
Hate-monger – Hatred of Jews, Blacks, and Irish required. Love of Andrew Jackson preferred
President – Must be white and Anglo-Saxon
Good morning viet-Lebanon!
Dear Hassan Nasrallah,
I've heard a lot about you on the news. I just wanted to let you know that you have my full support in what you're doing. I completely understand why you'd want more support and cooperation from the international community. Not only do you have the 4th largest military in the Middle East, but you conduct yourselves with such class. Personally, I'm really surprised as to how your group hasn't gotten the respect it deserves yet.
I think the Jews should probably be wiped out of the earth, and Israel should just break off into the ocean. Trust me, as an American I get your point of view, sometimes I wish California would do the same. That's why I fully support Hezbollah's border raid into sovereign territory of a recognized country. I also understand why you took two of their soldiers captive; it worked so well for the Palestinians weeks earlier.
I'm just as shocked as you are that this extremely powerful military would attack you and attack buildings in which you disguise yourselves as civilians. I'm also shocked that they kill innocent civilians. Don't they get civilian shields aren't meant to be attacked, no matter how many of their innocent people you kill? It's pure bullocks if you ask me.
I will say one thing, though, you've definitely won the propaganda war. You keep addressing your fellow countrymen in such open forums. Not only do you tape interviews, but you make sure that no easily definable features are shown. Wow, you really do show great courage, and I'm sure your fellow citizens feel that you're right there with them, thousands of feet underground in a bunker.
Back to the war. Don't worry about running out of armaments for your troops. Iran and Syria will continue to provide you with their most premium weapons: missiles that lack any guidance what so ever. And don't worry about launching them, no one can see it anyways. I certainly hope this naval attack you talked about a week or two ago happens, I'd love to see the Hezbollah navy at work. Did you guys get the row boats with 2 oars or 4?
I certainly hope this unjust invasion by the Israelis is over soon. I'm still a little confused, though, do you think they're going to go for the prisoner exchange? Oh, you know they will, they're such wussies. Anyways, I just wanted to give you all my best and wish you good luck in your battle. I'll be sending American and Israeli flags in the next week along with some gasoline and some matches, happy burning!
Sincerely,
Garrett
PS – I love the beard look!
August 04, 2006
Prove me wrong
I've determined I might be unfit for a romantic relationship. I'm a little bit stubborn, sometimes easily upset, and I often joke, dare I say, too much. All in all, I think I might be too complex for any woman on this earth.
I recently took part in a free compatability profile on a dating site. Apparently a system based on 28 fundamentals on a good relationship don't work for me. I got done with this rigorous 1 hour time waster, and it came back that out of a membership of literally millions, there's no match for me that's even close. They didn't even say sign up and we'll help you out. The site said, at the end, sometimes this system just doesn't work for people. It went on to read, "So get your confounding, screwed-up, lonely self back to nights in at home watching C-Span, geek!"
But, it's not just that that has shown me I'm completely incompatible with someone. I had a chance with a great girl once. I wasn't in love or anything, but it could've gotten there, I'm sure. She was beautiful, great personality, fun to be around, sarcastic, didn't smell and could get in and out of her house without the use of a forklift; she was all a guy could ask for. My problem? Well, out of all the problems to have with someone, I determined she was too nice. Yes, it turns out I need a mean, bossy girl. But, in my incompatible world, she can't be too bossy. No, she has to be nice sometimes, bossy at others. This combined with the need for her to have great hair puts me at a disadvantage. You can have one or two of those things, but not all three. Of course, I need all 3 in a woman. I'm picky. Yes, I'm picky, in a sea that probably has 2 fish for my choosing.
That's not the worst, however. As I've stated previously, I'm quick to get upset. This is great when you're arguing with a customer service employee, since you'll probably get free crap, but horrible in relationships. I don't even give people a chance anymore. If the "perfect" woman even gives me the slightest bit of attitude I don't like I'd likely give her an emotional slap in the face and walk off (note: emotional slap in the face means I'd make her feel really bad, then walk away as the victim, not hitting her). Dr. Phil sometimes asks his guests if they'd rather be right or happy. If I were on his show, I'd say I'd rather be right, because I am, and just be sort of content. Apparently this isn't the attitude for a winning relationship.
So, there it is. Why I'll be alone for quite some time, if not forever. Oh well, at least I'm cooler than everyone else.
I recently took part in a free compatability profile on a dating site. Apparently a system based on 28 fundamentals on a good relationship don't work for me. I got done with this rigorous 1 hour time waster, and it came back that out of a membership of literally millions, there's no match for me that's even close. They didn't even say sign up and we'll help you out. The site said, at the end, sometimes this system just doesn't work for people. It went on to read, "So get your confounding, screwed-up, lonely self back to nights in at home watching C-Span, geek!"
But, it's not just that that has shown me I'm completely incompatible with someone. I had a chance with a great girl once. I wasn't in love or anything, but it could've gotten there, I'm sure. She was beautiful, great personality, fun to be around, sarcastic, didn't smell and could get in and out of her house without the use of a forklift; she was all a guy could ask for. My problem? Well, out of all the problems to have with someone, I determined she was too nice. Yes, it turns out I need a mean, bossy girl. But, in my incompatible world, she can't be too bossy. No, she has to be nice sometimes, bossy at others. This combined with the need for her to have great hair puts me at a disadvantage. You can have one or two of those things, but not all three. Of course, I need all 3 in a woman. I'm picky. Yes, I'm picky, in a sea that probably has 2 fish for my choosing.
That's not the worst, however. As I've stated previously, I'm quick to get upset. This is great when you're arguing with a customer service employee, since you'll probably get free crap, but horrible in relationships. I don't even give people a chance anymore. If the "perfect" woman even gives me the slightest bit of attitude I don't like I'd likely give her an emotional slap in the face and walk off (note: emotional slap in the face means I'd make her feel really bad, then walk away as the victim, not hitting her). Dr. Phil sometimes asks his guests if they'd rather be right or happy. If I were on his show, I'd say I'd rather be right, because I am, and just be sort of content. Apparently this isn't the attitude for a winning relationship.
So, there it is. Why I'll be alone for quite some time, if not forever. Oh well, at least I'm cooler than everyone else.
August 03, 2006
Ladies: How to know a man (in the non-biblical sense)
After careful thought and review, I've decided to post the weird things that guys do and think as a preliminary guide to clear up any questions
Men are inherently bad at keeping female friends as just friends. We suck at it. This isn't always driven by a sexual motive like some women might think. We're not beasts with a one-track mind for lustful pleasures. We want companionship. But, we figure if you look good, we might as well combine talking time with making out time. We like to work efficiently. It doesn't help that most guys only hang out with girls they think are attractive. I honestly have no explanation for this, but it seems to be the truth without fail. I think it has something to do with survival of the human species. Most friendships end with the opposite sex, however, after years of mixed signals from women. Examples of mixed signals might include: smiling, waving, saying hello extra cheerfully, talking to us about serious things, or breathing while around us.
Men also like to insult each other. It's how we show our love for one another. I'd never call someone I didn't like an idiot. Women, if a guy calls you a pathetic loser you might want to think about his true feelings for you. In guy talk that's one step away from "Marry me, please!" We do this with our guy friends as well. Almost every guy does this. Well, except for theatre kids, but ask the army about what kind of people are in community theatre. The only way for a man to show he respects you is to make you feel like garbage. It's the way the world operates because, in James Brown's words, "This is a man's world!"
Most guys also hate shopping just to shop. Very few of us go out just to browse and maybe buy something. A real man can be in and out of any mall in 10 minutes or less. We know what we want, we take it, and we get the heck out. I think this might be why women aren't allowed to serve combat duty; they care too much about shooting (i.e. buying) the right person. Men hate shopping because it takes too much time, and, in a perfect world, companies would make clothes that lasted forever so we didn't need to buy new crap. Besides, jeans and a t-shirt are all-purpose clothes.
This generation of males are also really into video games. We figure, if nothing else, we'll be able to upstage the previous generation in a thumb-wrestling match after all of our strenuous exercise. Plus, nothing says fun like having sex with a hooker, paying her, then beating her to death so you can get your money back. Stupid pro, dough is for Joe.
I'm sure there are many other things that men do that are "weird" to those of the fairer sex. If you'd like a set of specific questions answered, please let me know and I will make a part two addressing any questions/concerns/comments. Post a comment with them, message me, or e-mail me at free.utah@gmail.com
Men are inherently bad at keeping female friends as just friends. We suck at it. This isn't always driven by a sexual motive like some women might think. We're not beasts with a one-track mind for lustful pleasures. We want companionship. But, we figure if you look good, we might as well combine talking time with making out time. We like to work efficiently. It doesn't help that most guys only hang out with girls they think are attractive. I honestly have no explanation for this, but it seems to be the truth without fail. I think it has something to do with survival of the human species. Most friendships end with the opposite sex, however, after years of mixed signals from women. Examples of mixed signals might include: smiling, waving, saying hello extra cheerfully, talking to us about serious things, or breathing while around us.
Men also like to insult each other. It's how we show our love for one another. I'd never call someone I didn't like an idiot. Women, if a guy calls you a pathetic loser you might want to think about his true feelings for you. In guy talk that's one step away from "Marry me, please!" We do this with our guy friends as well. Almost every guy does this. Well, except for theatre kids, but ask the army about what kind of people are in community theatre. The only way for a man to show he respects you is to make you feel like garbage. It's the way the world operates because, in James Brown's words, "This is a man's world!"
Most guys also hate shopping just to shop. Very few of us go out just to browse and maybe buy something. A real man can be in and out of any mall in 10 minutes or less. We know what we want, we take it, and we get the heck out. I think this might be why women aren't allowed to serve combat duty; they care too much about shooting (i.e. buying) the right person. Men hate shopping because it takes too much time, and, in a perfect world, companies would make clothes that lasted forever so we didn't need to buy new crap. Besides, jeans and a t-shirt are all-purpose clothes.
This generation of males are also really into video games. We figure, if nothing else, we'll be able to upstage the previous generation in a thumb-wrestling match after all of our strenuous exercise. Plus, nothing says fun like having sex with a hooker, paying her, then beating her to death so you can get your money back. Stupid pro, dough is for Joe.
I'm sure there are many other things that men do that are "weird" to those of the fairer sex. If you'd like a set of specific questions answered, please let me know and I will make a part two addressing any questions/concerns/comments. Post a comment with them, message me, or e-mail me at free.utah@gmail.com
Water: Man's biggest addiction
It's 4 p.m. I look down at my table, 4 large bottles of water are before me, all empty. I get up. I go to the restroom. On my way back to the couch, I take a detour to the refrigerator to grab a bottle of water. It hits me: I'm addicted, and you are too. Yes, citizens of the United States, we're addicted to water, the oppressor of Man everywhere.
As we've sat back and let politicians and religious zealots make decisions about our alcohol consumption and dieticians tell us soda is bad for us, we've had a monster lurking amongst us. We all need it. We can't function without it. Our body craves it, our mind wants it, and we give in to the demon every so often. We drink it with meals now, we drink it from bottles filtered for purity or from faucets that give it a distinct metal taste. All the while we let it take over our lives; water is the real evil.
I looked up some diseases today. Malaria is brought forth from mosquitoes, an insect that without water would not be around. Dysentary is often brought on by drinking unclean water. Yet the people continue to drink it. We continue to drink it not because we like it, or because we think it's good for us, we drink it because we're addicted to it. All the while thousands, even millions die from bacterium and diseases caused directly or indirectly from water consumption.
Earlier this year I watched scenes from Lawrence of Arabia. You know why some people get killed in the middle east? It's not because of any sort of religious extremism or a crazy leader, it's because someone drank from another person's well. A poor civilian was killed because of his need for a water fix, and his killer was only happy to oblige in offering violence as a stranger stole from his "private stash".
And what about poor Lassie? Lassie almost lost her owner countless times, and her owner almost lost his friends countless times, all because of water. In an effort to get a cool refreshment, these poor children fell and got stuck in wells. But this is no Hollywood story. This happens every day, to children just like the ones you love. In an effort to cool down they reach into the belly of the beast, trying to get their first fix of water in a while, when they fall into a deep crevasse, never to be seen or heard again. You might see a rescue story on the news about such a child: they're the lucky ones, saved just before imminent doom. Most aren't so lucky.
I say, no more! We must fight back against the ills that water has brought forth unto our society, and the world as a whole. We must fight back. We must break the yoke of oppression! Boycott water, write letters to your congressman, and let the world know we will not take this oppression any longer! Faithful readers, we must unite, we must fight back, we must stop the madness!
As we've sat back and let politicians and religious zealots make decisions about our alcohol consumption and dieticians tell us soda is bad for us, we've had a monster lurking amongst us. We all need it. We can't function without it. Our body craves it, our mind wants it, and we give in to the demon every so often. We drink it with meals now, we drink it from bottles filtered for purity or from faucets that give it a distinct metal taste. All the while we let it take over our lives; water is the real evil.
I looked up some diseases today. Malaria is brought forth from mosquitoes, an insect that without water would not be around. Dysentary is often brought on by drinking unclean water. Yet the people continue to drink it. We continue to drink it not because we like it, or because we think it's good for us, we drink it because we're addicted to it. All the while thousands, even millions die from bacterium and diseases caused directly or indirectly from water consumption.
Earlier this year I watched scenes from Lawrence of Arabia. You know why some people get killed in the middle east? It's not because of any sort of religious extremism or a crazy leader, it's because someone drank from another person's well. A poor civilian was killed because of his need for a water fix, and his killer was only happy to oblige in offering violence as a stranger stole from his "private stash".
And what about poor Lassie? Lassie almost lost her owner countless times, and her owner almost lost his friends countless times, all because of water. In an effort to get a cool refreshment, these poor children fell and got stuck in wells. But this is no Hollywood story. This happens every day, to children just like the ones you love. In an effort to cool down they reach into the belly of the beast, trying to get their first fix of water in a while, when they fall into a deep crevasse, never to be seen or heard again. You might see a rescue story on the news about such a child: they're the lucky ones, saved just before imminent doom. Most aren't so lucky.
I say, no more! We must fight back against the ills that water has brought forth unto our society, and the world as a whole. We must fight back. We must break the yoke of oppression! Boycott water, write letters to your congressman, and let the world know we will not take this oppression any longer! Faithful readers, we must unite, we must fight back, we must stop the madness!
August 01, 2006
Question of the Week 8-1-06
Question: Why do stupid and manipulative people get rewarded? (Submitted by one Shana Brown)
Answer:
Stupid people are rewarded simply because stupid people are awesome. Without stupid people, at whom would we laugh? I'll tell you who we'd laugh at: crippies. And no one really likes to laugh at people who can't walk, but when there's a lack of stupid people, where are we to go for giggles? By rewarding stupid people we breed more stupid people at which to laugh, thereby creating a cycle of stupid, with laughs being the payoff for the non-stupid people, money or other rewards for stupid people, and a lack of teasing for crippled people. It's what America runs upon, and I, for one, would like to see more stupid people. Yes, I would like to see more stupid people in America. We must reward more stupid people, so we can have more laughs! Smart people unite!
The answer to why we reward manipulative people is quite simple: they're manipulative. Meriam-Webster's online dictionary defines manipulative as such:
Any adult who is manipulative doesn't really matter, however. They often manipulate by sucking up and being jerks. While no one really minds a jerk, a jerk that is a suck-up is the worst. Even God hates them. While they often get their rewards, most people hate them and will eventually "accidentally" punch them in the face, and keep doing so for minutes on end. This is what we like to call ironic, since now we're manipulating a person to shut the crap up by punching them. What a vicious cycle life is.
Hopefully this answers your question Shana Brown. If not, I'll send you a free T-Shirt of...well something that has nothing to do with this site, since my graphic designer, uh, doesn't exist.
Answer:
Stupid people are rewarded simply because stupid people are awesome. Without stupid people, at whom would we laugh? I'll tell you who we'd laugh at: crippies. And no one really likes to laugh at people who can't walk, but when there's a lack of stupid people, where are we to go for giggles? By rewarding stupid people we breed more stupid people at which to laugh, thereby creating a cycle of stupid, with laughs being the payoff for the non-stupid people, money or other rewards for stupid people, and a lack of teasing for crippled people. It's what America runs upon, and I, for one, would like to see more stupid people. Yes, I would like to see more stupid people in America. We must reward more stupid people, so we can have more laughs! Smart people unite!
The answer to why we reward manipulative people is quite simple: they're manipulative. Meriam-Webster's online dictionary defines manipulative as such:
2 a : to manage or utilize skillfully b : to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantageNow, anyone who can control and apply artful, unfair, or insidious means to one's own advantage must be pretty good at getting rewards. While these people often employ the worst terrorist tactics to get what they want, such as crying or hitting, said people are often rewarded after a while. I don't know about you, faithful reader, but I can only take so much of a kid holding their breath before I give in. I know they'll be able to breathe eventually, but they never get out of the way of the TV when they do this little trick. Sneaky little kids.
3 : to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose
Any adult who is manipulative doesn't really matter, however. They often manipulate by sucking up and being jerks. While no one really minds a jerk, a jerk that is a suck-up is the worst. Even God hates them. While they often get their rewards, most people hate them and will eventually "accidentally" punch them in the face, and keep doing so for minutes on end. This is what we like to call ironic, since now we're manipulating a person to shut the crap up by punching them. What a vicious cycle life is.
Hopefully this answers your question Shana Brown. If not, I'll send you a free T-Shirt of...well something that has nothing to do with this site, since my graphic designer, uh, doesn't exist.
July 26, 2006
Just die already old people
So, I'm looking through the Washington Post online the other day and come across this article. I can't wait for this generation to die, I want my money! I'm going to be "rich biotch!" *honk honk*
I also can't wait for the old people to die off so we can have way less people clogging up America. This baby-boomer generation is going to make social security go bankrupt, so come on privatization. All I need is to compete with some 70+ year old woman trying to get my hands on some retirement money. Move out of my way old lady, money is in my future!
I will feel bad for the good folks at Geritol once the old people are gone, however. But, young people rejoice! Old person smell will officially be gone, until we're old of course. But I think we'll smell like roses, instead of like butt.
I really hope no one cures aging during my lifetime. All I need is a bunch of rich people living to be 700. Who do you think you are, Abraham? Shut up and die already.
To some this might sound harsh. Truth be told, I just want my money, alright? I can't wait for this transfer of wealth. I think I might get plastic surgery on my hand, goodbye palm, hello cash register!
I also can't wait for the old people to die off so we can have way less people clogging up America. This baby-boomer generation is going to make social security go bankrupt, so come on privatization. All I need is to compete with some 70+ year old woman trying to get my hands on some retirement money. Move out of my way old lady, money is in my future!
I will feel bad for the good folks at Geritol once the old people are gone, however. But, young people rejoice! Old person smell will officially be gone, until we're old of course. But I think we'll smell like roses, instead of like butt.
I really hope no one cures aging during my lifetime. All I need is a bunch of rich people living to be 700. Who do you think you are, Abraham? Shut up and die already.
To some this might sound harsh. Truth be told, I just want my money, alright? I can't wait for this transfer of wealth. I think I might get plastic surgery on my hand, goodbye palm, hello cash register!
July 25, 2006
Question of the Week 7-25-06
Question: What are your guilty pleasures?
Answers:
I have numerous guilty pleasures, but guilty is sort of a dirty word. I prefer to use the term "pleasures i'd be satisfied if no one knew about them". But thats long, so I've got to think of a new phrase. Maybe instead of guilty i could use "no contest pleasures"? Well, at any rate...
I guess my first guilty pleasure is listening to Justin Timberlake. Well, that and singing his songs. At the risk of sounding extra-fruity, I love listening to his music. I think I personally hit the notes better than he does, but I won't argue with him too much on that. I can't wait for his new album to come out. Hopefully it will come out around the same time as the Clipse's new album, so I only have to make one trip to the store. I guess I'm lazy, but whatever.
I'm also really into The Real World. This season I'm mostly into it because of Svetlana, the hot Jewish girl, but most of the time I'm also into the stories. I wish I could experience "The Real World", you know, living in a mansion with easy jobs and partying every night with hot women. Plus it'd be cool to be able to say to some people on the phone "Oh, _____ I've gotta go, one of my 6 roommates wants to use the phone. Yeah, well he/she really wants to use it. Nope, sorry ______ I've gotta go. (Hanging up phone) Okay, you too. Yep, okay, bye". It's like the perfect excuse to get away from a person on the phone.
Tennis. I love playing tennis. I put this as a guilty pleasure because I like it almost too much, and I really suck at playing. But, sucking is relative. Can I beat Serena Williams? Well, probably, she's a girl, and girls suck at sports. But could I beat Agassi? I don't know, probably not, but he's getting old. I could probably beat Nadal on grass, but on clay I'd be screwed. My biggest competition is probably Federer or Blake, but I'll just hit a ball really hard at Blake's neck, that'll teach him (I don't expect most of you to get that joke, so don't worry).
Bumps on noses, and big noses. They're soo hot. Sometimes I accidentally stare at people too long if they have a nice nose, and this tends to be embarassing. I'm sure they feel uncomfortable as well, since many people get made fun of for having a bump on their nose or a really big nose. But, ladies, if you catch me staring at your big/bumped nose, don't fret; you're hot. Don't be afraid to smile slyly, come up to me, put your nose right in front of my eyes and say "you like what you see?" That would be hot. Okay, it'd be weird, but some people are into weirder things. I wonder what Emily's up to?
Going to get my hair cut. I love it. It's scary how much I enjoy it. I don't care if anyone hot cuts my hair, either. I just enjoy getting my hair cut. Aren't the sounds of scissors slicing through your hard-grown hair just beautiful? Plus, if you get a shampoo with the hair cut, you will have an amazing time. Some of those shampooers put Korean pedicurists to shame. And their shampoo always smells so nice. If you haven't ever gotten your hair cut, you've gotta do it. It will change your life, trust me.
Vin Diesel. His acting blows, but how cool does he sound? If I were a celebrity I'd be Vin Diesel. Just that name screams "I could've been a pornstar, but I have morals!" Plus I read somewhere that Vin Diesel almost killed Chuck Norris, which is quite a feat indeed.
Almost any religious history. It's just interesting. Especially when you hear something that contradicts what you've always been told, and it actually makes sense. Let me tell you, when I heard that Abraham and Moses were from a "Warrior" class I was shocked. Now I get why they got Chuck Heston to play Moses. (Moses to Pharoahe): Let my people go [fires warning shots from uzi]
If I think of any other guilty pleasures I'll let ya know. E-mail your guilty pleasures to free.utah@gmail.com
Answers:
I have numerous guilty pleasures, but guilty is sort of a dirty word. I prefer to use the term "pleasures i'd be satisfied if no one knew about them". But thats long, so I've got to think of a new phrase. Maybe instead of guilty i could use "no contest pleasures"? Well, at any rate...
I guess my first guilty pleasure is listening to Justin Timberlake. Well, that and singing his songs. At the risk of sounding extra-fruity, I love listening to his music. I think I personally hit the notes better than he does, but I won't argue with him too much on that. I can't wait for his new album to come out. Hopefully it will come out around the same time as the Clipse's new album, so I only have to make one trip to the store. I guess I'm lazy, but whatever.
I'm also really into The Real World. This season I'm mostly into it because of Svetlana, the hot Jewish girl, but most of the time I'm also into the stories. I wish I could experience "The Real World", you know, living in a mansion with easy jobs and partying every night with hot women. Plus it'd be cool to be able to say to some people on the phone "Oh, _____ I've gotta go, one of my 6 roommates wants to use the phone. Yeah, well he/she really wants to use it. Nope, sorry ______ I've gotta go. (Hanging up phone) Okay, you too. Yep, okay, bye". It's like the perfect excuse to get away from a person on the phone.
Tennis. I love playing tennis. I put this as a guilty pleasure because I like it almost too much, and I really suck at playing. But, sucking is relative. Can I beat Serena Williams? Well, probably, she's a girl, and girls suck at sports. But could I beat Agassi? I don't know, probably not, but he's getting old. I could probably beat Nadal on grass, but on clay I'd be screwed. My biggest competition is probably Federer or Blake, but I'll just hit a ball really hard at Blake's neck, that'll teach him (I don't expect most of you to get that joke, so don't worry).
Bumps on noses, and big noses. They're soo hot. Sometimes I accidentally stare at people too long if they have a nice nose, and this tends to be embarassing. I'm sure they feel uncomfortable as well, since many people get made fun of for having a bump on their nose or a really big nose. But, ladies, if you catch me staring at your big/bumped nose, don't fret; you're hot. Don't be afraid to smile slyly, come up to me, put your nose right in front of my eyes and say "you like what you see?" That would be hot. Okay, it'd be weird, but some people are into weirder things. I wonder what Emily's up to?
Going to get my hair cut. I love it. It's scary how much I enjoy it. I don't care if anyone hot cuts my hair, either. I just enjoy getting my hair cut. Aren't the sounds of scissors slicing through your hard-grown hair just beautiful? Plus, if you get a shampoo with the hair cut, you will have an amazing time. Some of those shampooers put Korean pedicurists to shame. And their shampoo always smells so nice. If you haven't ever gotten your hair cut, you've gotta do it. It will change your life, trust me.
Vin Diesel. His acting blows, but how cool does he sound? If I were a celebrity I'd be Vin Diesel. Just that name screams "I could've been a pornstar, but I have morals!" Plus I read somewhere that Vin Diesel almost killed Chuck Norris, which is quite a feat indeed.
Almost any religious history. It's just interesting. Especially when you hear something that contradicts what you've always been told, and it actually makes sense. Let me tell you, when I heard that Abraham and Moses were from a "Warrior" class I was shocked. Now I get why they got Chuck Heston to play Moses. (Moses to Pharoahe): Let my people go [fires warning shots from uzi]
If I think of any other guilty pleasures I'll let ya know. E-mail your guilty pleasures to free.utah@gmail.com
July 24, 2006
The facts are solid
It should first be noted, before I begin this treatise, that I am in no way a sexist. If anyone is sexist, it's God, since He made men way more intelligent and physically sound than women. So, in the words of Brother Krikava, don't blame me, blame Jesus.
Women certainly engage in a weird way when compared to men. They seem to be quite emotional, as evidenced by any number of songs. It's unbelievably hard to tell a woman she's annoying, or an idiot, for example, and not have her blow up at you for saying so, even when she is, in fact, acting like an idiot. They often preface a conversation as such, "Oh, you can just tell me the truth, I won't get upset". Men, this is a trap, don't fall for it. If a woman says you can tell her the truth she is really saying "Lie your butt off to me and tell me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, or else!" Once you tell a woman the truth, count on not being happy for a while, or possibly not hanging out with her anymore.
If you are able to hang out with her, and eventually want to go on a date, I wish you luck. Women often like to say they're "dating" you. In woman speak this means she is letting you take her out and pay for all of the meals and expensive things, and she'll think about kissing you, just like she'll think about kissing the other guy she's "dating". This doesn't constitute cheating, however, since it was known from the outset that you two were "just dating". Of course, to us men that means we're paying for everything, and we're therefore going out as a monogamous couple. Women will try to say you're being ignorant, that you're jealous, or they just "need some space" once you've entered the poor house and have run out of "spontaneous" ideas like making candles together or paying $150 for a meal.
Women also will never get the idea that they're not necessarily the center of their guy friend's unvierse, and that not every guy that is friends with them likes them simply because he's nice to her. Some guys are just nice. Some guys might even think you're attractive, and like flirting, but don't want anything more. Some guy friends do want to date you, this is true, but not all of them. The law of averages says that while some will want to date you, more will want to just be friends. It's okay. That doesn't mean you're ugly, or that you're boring, you're just not his type. Of course, it's a little perplexing as to why you're upset at not being romantically interesting to your friend, since you don't feel that way about him, either, even though you act the same way he does when you're with him.
Women, furthermore, do not need to shop so much. Women go out sometimes just to "window shop", as if looking at things you'll never be able to buy is fun. It's depressing to realize you're poor, and, yet, women don't understand this concept. It would be understandable if you plan on going back to get the item; but you don't. A fun day with a woman is going to look at clothes for 3 hours, possibly walking around a mall looking at nothing for 3 hours, or talking on the phone about clothes, the mall, or any other number of topics for 3 hours. And do I know where I came up with this 3 hour thing? No, but tell me you spend more than 3 hours with someone and actually enjoy it.
Lastly, why are women always eating, or talking about eating? Honestly, what's the point. Food isn't even that interesting. Cake is okay, but at a certain point even I get bored of cake. Women can apparently, talk about cake while eating cake. Women wish they lived in France when Marie Antoinette was alive. And it's always cake or ice cream. You can even gauge a woman's mood by what they have. Cake is good, ice cream is bad. I've never understood this, but I've done extensive research to prove it's validity.
That's it. I'm sure there's more to talk about involving women, so I'll do a part two. I'll also do one about guys if there's a need for it. Adios.
Women certainly engage in a weird way when compared to men. They seem to be quite emotional, as evidenced by any number of songs. It's unbelievably hard to tell a woman she's annoying, or an idiot, for example, and not have her blow up at you for saying so, even when she is, in fact, acting like an idiot. They often preface a conversation as such, "Oh, you can just tell me the truth, I won't get upset". Men, this is a trap, don't fall for it. If a woman says you can tell her the truth she is really saying "Lie your butt off to me and tell me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, or else!" Once you tell a woman the truth, count on not being happy for a while, or possibly not hanging out with her anymore.
If you are able to hang out with her, and eventually want to go on a date, I wish you luck. Women often like to say they're "dating" you. In woman speak this means she is letting you take her out and pay for all of the meals and expensive things, and she'll think about kissing you, just like she'll think about kissing the other guy she's "dating". This doesn't constitute cheating, however, since it was known from the outset that you two were "just dating". Of course, to us men that means we're paying for everything, and we're therefore going out as a monogamous couple. Women will try to say you're being ignorant, that you're jealous, or they just "need some space" once you've entered the poor house and have run out of "spontaneous" ideas like making candles together or paying $150 for a meal.
Women also will never get the idea that they're not necessarily the center of their guy friend's unvierse, and that not every guy that is friends with them likes them simply because he's nice to her. Some guys are just nice. Some guys might even think you're attractive, and like flirting, but don't want anything more. Some guy friends do want to date you, this is true, but not all of them. The law of averages says that while some will want to date you, more will want to just be friends. It's okay. That doesn't mean you're ugly, or that you're boring, you're just not his type. Of course, it's a little perplexing as to why you're upset at not being romantically interesting to your friend, since you don't feel that way about him, either, even though you act the same way he does when you're with him.
Women, furthermore, do not need to shop so much. Women go out sometimes just to "window shop", as if looking at things you'll never be able to buy is fun. It's depressing to realize you're poor, and, yet, women don't understand this concept. It would be understandable if you plan on going back to get the item; but you don't. A fun day with a woman is going to look at clothes for 3 hours, possibly walking around a mall looking at nothing for 3 hours, or talking on the phone about clothes, the mall, or any other number of topics for 3 hours. And do I know where I came up with this 3 hour thing? No, but tell me you spend more than 3 hours with someone and actually enjoy it.
Lastly, why are women always eating, or talking about eating? Honestly, what's the point. Food isn't even that interesting. Cake is okay, but at a certain point even I get bored of cake. Women can apparently, talk about cake while eating cake. Women wish they lived in France when Marie Antoinette was alive. And it's always cake or ice cream. You can even gauge a woman's mood by what they have. Cake is good, ice cream is bad. I've never understood this, but I've done extensive research to prove it's validity.
That's it. I'm sure there's more to talk about involving women, so I'll do a part two. I'll also do one about guys if there's a need for it. Adios.
July 20, 2006
Orientation: How to waste a day
Firstly, it should be noted I've ditched question of the every other day. It might now become question of the week. I just don't have that many questions. lol.
Anyways, today was orientation at PSU. Seriously, what a waste. So I get there with about 40 minutes to spare. I thought I'd need it, since I was sure a lot of people would be there which usually equates to a big line. Well, this was one bureaucracy that was running smoothly. I got my packet and stuff within a minute. So, I had 40 minutes to kill, with no one around to talk to.
I guess a lot of these kids can't get rid of their parents, or don't want to. I was basically the only one who's parents didn't come with them. Thank God, the last thing I need is my Dad hitting on college girls that just got out of jailbait status. To be honest though, I'm a little bit worried about the women at PSU. There were lots of fob's, lots of preppie types, a few ghetto superstars, but almost no one I found attractive. Actually, the hottest person I saw was an academic advisor. I've so got to go in and get help with my classes now.
I read some of my Milton Friedman stuff while I was there. He's so cool. I told my niece to call Milton Friedman "Uncle Milt" while we were watching him on Charlie Rose (she was 2, but she liked it as long as I spun her around). Milt Friedman is the man by the way. He's like me: basically a libertarian, but just can't bring himself to register libertarian. I think if it weren't for Barbara being so ripped he would've punched George Bush, Sr. in the face for screwing over our economy, though Reagan sort of gave it to him in a bad shape.
So at lunch time I talked with two people, which is pretty darn good for me since I don't really do the whole "New People" thing. One was cool, Melissa, an OL (Orientation Leader). The other was pure psycho. She just came up, started talking like we were the best of friends, but didn't realize that I hate conversations like the one she forced upon me. Seriously, what a weirdo. Apparently some guy tried some crime against her (I'm assuming rape, which proves that rapists go for the ones they feel they can overpower rather than the people they think are hot). Well, she said he ended up with a paralyzed left arm and something else. She must have been from East Germany.
After lunch we went to this hour-long discussion on what you needed to graduate. Mind you, this information is in the packet of random papers they gave us, as well as in our course schedule and bulletin (catalog). Basically, incoming freshman are presumed illiterate until proven non-remedial. Oh, and some parents got really mad because she said that it's easier for students to just mail their grades to the parents then getting some form signed by the students and having to check online. Some parent said "Well, I'd prefer to do it myself, it's not rocket science." Adam (this guy I met) and myself looked at each other and both basically said "But it is computer science". Unfortunately one of the parents on her side was next to us, and we got a stare of death.
Next we got rid of the parents and got into small groups. Of course ours had to incorporate another group, I'm saying we were Microsoft in this one, since I refuse to give up the supremacy status of any group I'm in. I was the smart-alec of the group, and I gave my cute OL a hard time. I think she thinks I wanted her. She's very intuitive.
After this my day was almost over. I had to meet with my history adviser who reminded me of President Muffley in Dr. Strangelove (bumbling, somewhat unprepared, etc.) I understand his situation, however, since he had just administered final exams for his last summer course and I'm sure wanted to get this horrible summer over with as quickly as possible. None the less, you should always come prepared, or at least act like you did.
Now I just had to register for classes. But, my adviser failed to let us know that we needed to pick them in that session. Granted, I only really needed to pick one so I could test my account out, but still. I've decided I'm signing up for Intro. to Judaism, since the Old Testament is where all the sex and blood is at anyways, as well as On Democracy (my freshman inquiry class) and Western civilizations. I'm still looking for another good class, but it's hard to figure out what I want that fits into my schedule. Anyways, I went to go fill out this paper they make you do before you can sign up in order to "speed up the process". Of course, when your ID and PIN don't work, the process is about 45 minutes longer than anyone else's. In the meantime you save your spot, so basically it's taking that great efficiency we had at the beginning of the orientation and flushing it down the toilet. This is why I hate bureaucracies. They start out strong, then fizzle.
All in all, I wasted 6 hours of my time. I could've been looking for a job. I could've been in air conditioning. I could've tipped a cow. All these things and more I could have done, had it not been for my required orientation session. Good job, PSU, I can tell we're going to grow to love each other!
Anyways, today was orientation at PSU. Seriously, what a waste. So I get there with about 40 minutes to spare. I thought I'd need it, since I was sure a lot of people would be there which usually equates to a big line. Well, this was one bureaucracy that was running smoothly. I got my packet and stuff within a minute. So, I had 40 minutes to kill, with no one around to talk to.
I guess a lot of these kids can't get rid of their parents, or don't want to. I was basically the only one who's parents didn't come with them. Thank God, the last thing I need is my Dad hitting on college girls that just got out of jailbait status. To be honest though, I'm a little bit worried about the women at PSU. There were lots of fob's, lots of preppie types, a few ghetto superstars, but almost no one I found attractive. Actually, the hottest person I saw was an academic advisor. I've so got to go in and get help with my classes now.
I read some of my Milton Friedman stuff while I was there. He's so cool. I told my niece to call Milton Friedman "Uncle Milt" while we were watching him on Charlie Rose (she was 2, but she liked it as long as I spun her around). Milt Friedman is the man by the way. He's like me: basically a libertarian, but just can't bring himself to register libertarian. I think if it weren't for Barbara being so ripped he would've punched George Bush, Sr. in the face for screwing over our economy, though Reagan sort of gave it to him in a bad shape.
So at lunch time I talked with two people, which is pretty darn good for me since I don't really do the whole "New People" thing. One was cool, Melissa, an OL (Orientation Leader). The other was pure psycho. She just came up, started talking like we were the best of friends, but didn't realize that I hate conversations like the one she forced upon me. Seriously, what a weirdo. Apparently some guy tried some crime against her (I'm assuming rape, which proves that rapists go for the ones they feel they can overpower rather than the people they think are hot). Well, she said he ended up with a paralyzed left arm and something else. She must have been from East Germany.
After lunch we went to this hour-long discussion on what you needed to graduate. Mind you, this information is in the packet of random papers they gave us, as well as in our course schedule and bulletin (catalog). Basically, incoming freshman are presumed illiterate until proven non-remedial. Oh, and some parents got really mad because she said that it's easier for students to just mail their grades to the parents then getting some form signed by the students and having to check online. Some parent said "Well, I'd prefer to do it myself, it's not rocket science." Adam (this guy I met) and myself looked at each other and both basically said "But it is computer science". Unfortunately one of the parents on her side was next to us, and we got a stare of death.
Next we got rid of the parents and got into small groups. Of course ours had to incorporate another group, I'm saying we were Microsoft in this one, since I refuse to give up the supremacy status of any group I'm in. I was the smart-alec of the group, and I gave my cute OL a hard time. I think she thinks I wanted her. She's very intuitive.
After this my day was almost over. I had to meet with my history adviser who reminded me of President Muffley in Dr. Strangelove (bumbling, somewhat unprepared, etc.) I understand his situation, however, since he had just administered final exams for his last summer course and I'm sure wanted to get this horrible summer over with as quickly as possible. None the less, you should always come prepared, or at least act like you did.
Now I just had to register for classes. But, my adviser failed to let us know that we needed to pick them in that session. Granted, I only really needed to pick one so I could test my account out, but still. I've decided I'm signing up for Intro. to Judaism, since the Old Testament is where all the sex and blood is at anyways, as well as On Democracy (my freshman inquiry class) and Western civilizations. I'm still looking for another good class, but it's hard to figure out what I want that fits into my schedule. Anyways, I went to go fill out this paper they make you do before you can sign up in order to "speed up the process". Of course, when your ID and PIN don't work, the process is about 45 minutes longer than anyone else's. In the meantime you save your spot, so basically it's taking that great efficiency we had at the beginning of the orientation and flushing it down the toilet. This is why I hate bureaucracies. They start out strong, then fizzle.
All in all, I wasted 6 hours of my time. I could've been looking for a job. I could've been in air conditioning. I could've tipped a cow. All these things and more I could have done, had it not been for my required orientation session. Good job, PSU, I can tell we're going to grow to love each other!
July 17, 2006
I had him: Garrett disects weird sayings
"I had him in ____": This phrase probably started as a way to disseminate the skanks in a class from the non-skanky ones. I'm sure some leather jacket wearing teenage male with blue jeans and slick-backed hair told his friends he "had" a girl in class alright. This was probably followed with "giggity-giggity-GOO". The friends thought he simply meant he had previously met the girl in a class they took together. Eventually it became a mainstay in the teenager's lexicon.
"______-ing like a madman": I have no idea where this started. Though linguists at Berkely have some interesting theories including England and a king, there are no solid leads. I personally don't think many of the things we do really deserve this phrase, however. Unless you've been "killing" like a madman or "yelling expletives" like a madman or "riding nuclear bombs as they rain down on russia" like a madman. I don't think madmen do many of the productive things we say a madman does. Unless you've been running into white padded walls lately you should probably remove this simile from your vocabulary.
"Holy crap/$#!T" (that actually looks a lot like the word): This obviously points back to when Jesus was crucified. As we all know, the one way to tell if a person is dead is if they lose control of their bowels. Well, Jesus definitely died. Upon seeing this, one of the apostles (presumably Matthew), always the observational humorist, commented, "Holy crap!" From that day forth it became a phrase after you've seen or heard something unexpected. Definitely a "keeper" phrase.
"What's up?": This phrase began when Sir Isaac Newton published his Principia. In this he detailed the conversation that led to his discovery of gravity. At the time Newton was in a neckbrace after a grueling Quiz Bowl, in which he pinched a nerve. He was now in a brace and could only look down and straight ahead. A local jester (the medieval equivalent of Tom Green) came by and jokingly asked "The Newt" (as Sir Isaac Newton was then known as) "Whats up?" The Newt, upset at this remark saw a fallen apple, hurled it at him and said, "There that's whats up. Wait...now it's down. Hmmm..." That story solidified "What's up?" as a medieval pop-culture staple, and it remains so today.
So there you have it, the real beginnings and explanations of the phrases we all use. Feel free to email any phrases that might be of interest to you. As always, free.utah@gmail.com
"______-ing like a madman": I have no idea where this started. Though linguists at Berkely have some interesting theories including England and a king, there are no solid leads. I personally don't think many of the things we do really deserve this phrase, however. Unless you've been "killing" like a madman or "yelling expletives" like a madman or "riding nuclear bombs as they rain down on russia" like a madman. I don't think madmen do many of the productive things we say a madman does. Unless you've been running into white padded walls lately you should probably remove this simile from your vocabulary.
"Holy crap/$#!T" (that actually looks a lot like the word): This obviously points back to when Jesus was crucified. As we all know, the one way to tell if a person is dead is if they lose control of their bowels. Well, Jesus definitely died. Upon seeing this, one of the apostles (presumably Matthew), always the observational humorist, commented, "Holy crap!" From that day forth it became a phrase after you've seen or heard something unexpected. Definitely a "keeper" phrase.
"What's up?": This phrase began when Sir Isaac Newton published his Principia. In this he detailed the conversation that led to his discovery of gravity. At the time Newton was in a neckbrace after a grueling Quiz Bowl, in which he pinched a nerve. He was now in a brace and could only look down and straight ahead. A local jester (the medieval equivalent of Tom Green) came by and jokingly asked "The Newt" (as Sir Isaac Newton was then known as) "Whats up?" The Newt, upset at this remark saw a fallen apple, hurled it at him and said, "There that's whats up. Wait...now it's down. Hmmm..." That story solidified "What's up?" as a medieval pop-culture staple, and it remains so today.
So there you have it, the real beginnings and explanations of the phrases we all use. Feel free to email any phrases that might be of interest to you. As always, free.utah@gmail.com
Fuzzy Cats and Bombs
Over the course of a few years, I've seen many news stories come and go. I've watched as the most successful articles are published. That's not to say that the less-popular articles are bad, they just sometimes lack a certain amount of 'zazz. I've decided to inform potential journalists of America how to write an award-winning article without having ever done it myself, of course.
The first thing you need to do is create a story. An okay reporter just tells you the facts. A good reporter tells you the facts, but makes a story to go along with those facts. A great reporter skips what the okay reporter does, and just makes up a story. The best thing to do is write what you want to say. For example, I want to report in a newspaper that today, Martians invaded Earth and have killed thousands of people. That's my story. Do I have facts to back it up? Hell no. But, wait, what's this? A world-famous person did a radio show announcing the same thing? Well, let's get that transcript and let everyone know that we have a source backing us up. See, now Martians have officially invaded Earth, the media told me so.
Of course, no story is good without a loveable character. This is where you get an animal involved. For our story, an animal is the first one killed. We'll go even further to say that it is the animals who unite and try to take back planet earth. Our lead for this will be a border collie named Lascivious, or Lassie for short. Remember, when reporting, cliche is good, but outright name stealing is best.
Now that you've got a hero all picked out for your news story, you must figure out how to have a happy ending. You must always remember your audience's lives are crappy, so you must make them better. We started off with a furry animal being killed, but now it's the Martians turn. The animals unite, get M-16's (these animals buy American, always) and go out and kill some Martian butt. If you have a dog or two flying a plane, even better. Drop some bunker-busters on those space freaks. The more blood and guts the better. The story will end after a prolonged battle and the total destruction of martian civilization.
You're not home-free yet. After all of this you've got to think of a title for your award-winning news story. The title can't give away the story. "Martians Attack" gives it away. Keep it cryptic. Asking the reader a question is usually a good way to go. "Did Martians Attack?" or "Is the World Under Attack?" should work. When in doubt, go for a short title. "The" should get you a Peabody in no time.
There you have it, your key to writing a winning article. Remember "fuzzy cats and bombs" and every news article you write will be a winner!
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