Apollo and Yahweh: BFFs

Apollo,

So, how are things over in your neck of the woods? I've been pretty busy. You see, I've got to lead an entire group of complainers out of an oppressive land. It's not the easiest thing to do when your people get gas from every imaginable food. I'm not sure why I made my people with such poor gastro-intestinal fortitude.

So, I heard through the god pipeline that you buried some of your people in volcanic ash. Very nifty. I hadn't quite thought of that one. I tried the water thing for the entire population. Talk about a mess. You can't even tell where my handy-work was on that one. Bodies decomposed quickly and the water simply evaporated and/or got absorbed back into the ground. Now my people don't even fear me. I bet your people aren't like that. They probably follow your rules. Mine barely remember Synagogue on Saturday, let alone keeping kosher. Your people walk around, see a bunch of people buried in ash and go; “Yeah, we better not f#$% with Apollo”.

Of course, what are they going to do, not have random sex in bath houses? Maybe that's why my people are a minority no matter where they go, I'm too strict. Maybe I should loosen up a little bit. Of course, Machiavelli will get it right one day, it's good to be feared and loved, but if all else fails, it's better to be feared.

Well, my old friend, it's time for me to go, I feel bloated. I look forward to your response, we've built up quite the rapport these last few centuries.

All the best,

Yahweh

79 CE

Yahweh,

We have built up quite the rapport. But don't get too touchy-feely, I'm not Zeus (I'm the god of the flaming sun, but I'm no flamer).

I'm not sure why you're people always get such bad gas. But, trust me, my people have noticed it. We go in to Judea to conquer your land and don't even get any resistance. Half of your people have upset stomachs and don't want to move, and the other half have a debilitating phobia of knives. Maybe in the future you can get them into some sort of specialist with matters of the mind.

My people do know not to mess with me. I make things happen. I'm not an armchair-God like you. I take charge. Free will is just a crazy myth to my people. They know the world is determined by two things: the gods and the army. Oh, and the emperor has some say too, but only until the army ousts him in a bloody coup.

You should really look into less repressive rules. I let my people indulge in all of the reckless behavior they desire. All I ask is they go to my temple. What's the worst that could happen, a minimal belief in the power of the gods that will lead to the downfall of paganism and the rise of monotheism? Highly unlikely.

I should let you know we've been having some problems with the Jews in some areas. We might have to destroy some things. No worries, though, we won't destroy much. I'll let you know how that goes in about two years or so.

I better get going now. Osiris wants to go play soccer. I hate playing with him though, he always throws sand in my eyes in order to score. Now that's a god who could use some commandments.

Regards,

'Pollo

79 CE

Part 2 from this enthralling seris next week!

Stupid Mormons

So, I like how half of my friends are Mormon and I'll never see them again. Two have left for Utah, and I'll probably see them again, but who knows how weird that's going to be? Don't get me wrong, I'm still going, but they might be all...you know...Mormon-y then. lol.

The other half are going to leave on missions in a year or so. It's like Mormons have a destiny, and that destiny is to only be with other Mormons. Well, unless they go on missions to do...missionary stuff (I honestly don't know what missionaries go to do, though I think I know...something to do with the "c" word).

I also like how when I go to PSU I'm going to be surrounded by high school kids to the nth degree. Parties like never before, drugs like never before (especially at PSU). I mean, I'm not preachy or anything, but when most people only study or party, it's hard to really hang out with anyone (since I hate doing both of those things). I'll have to put out my LDS-dar or something to find new friends.

I would say I could hang out with Jewish kids. But, that doesn't seem plausible since most of them are Jewish in ethnicity only. On top of that, I checked the Hillel website...only 250 Jews on the entire 15000 student campus. B S.

Then again, I'm sure I won't have problems making friends, but what kinds of friends? My look brings the stoners and such, but my personality brings forth the nerds and goody-goodies. What's a complex man like me to do? Well, I'm sure I'll do fine, after all, I'm Garrett-freakin'-Estenson. Word, son.

The real reasons behind my conversion

I've decided to write a blog that can hopefully more fully explain why I'm possibly converting to Judaism. This is a pretty big step in my life, so I'm taking it with the utmost seriousness.

First, I want to have a reason for why I think God hates me sometimes. As a Jew, I would be able to say it's not actual hate, it's that I'm one of God's chosen people. God gives the one he loves the hardest time out of the group. It's sort of like when you got those strange looks from your cousin (you know, the one from Arkansas). You knew, deep down, it wasn't that your cousin just wanted to have a good ol' southern time with his cousin; you knew you were his favorite cousin. It's definitely like that, except God wouldn't be from Arkansas...I think He's definitely from a more respected southern state, like the Florida panhandle.

Also, I'm thinking of converting because now, if I learn Hebrew, I can finally impress the ladies with a romantic language. Nothing says “Come hither” like hocking up a loogie when you say Chello. Plus, if I learn Hebrew, think of all the good use I could put it to; all the businessmen speak it. Not only that, but so many countries have it as their national language. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to a foreign country, or even a place within our own country and said to myself, “Man! If only I knew Hebrew, life would be so much easier!” I can't wait to interact with all these millions, maybe even billions, of people around the world.

Now, no conversion would be complete without stating the most obvious reason for conversion: the women. Just think, I can have my own Jewish woman. Someone to nag at me, to overly protect our child, and look hot while doing it. Yes, I'll have my own perfect woman, all because I converted to Judaism. If that's not incentive enough to convert to a religion I don't know what is.

So there you have it, my 3 main reasons for possibly converting to Judaism. I feel they're probably the most well thought out reasons for converting to any religion. I know you undoubtedly feel the same, which is why I feel comfortable sharing this with you.

Your career guide

I know there are many graduates and people in limbo about what careers they should have. In an effort to ease some fears, I have made a career guide for you based on your religion.

Catholic:

• Blue collar worker – Only applicable in the midwestern states of America

• Child molester – Years of seminary training and own parish required

• Child-bearer – For title you must have 4 kids or more

• Irish resistance fighter – Red hair and personal beer mug required

• Professional alcoholic – Irish preferred

• Crusader – Hatred of Islam required

Jew:

• Accountant

• Banker – Interest for gentiles only

• Doctor – Only available in California, Florida and New York

Mormon:

• Permanent missionary – Love of half-hearted letters and ability to indiscriminately spread religion to random people required

• Author of your own published journal – You could be the next Anne Frank, minus the oppression

• Genealogist – Six Degrees of Brigham Young

• Professional baby popper-outer

Muslim:

• Religious extremist – Ability to burn flags required

• Professional suicide bomber – One time only

• Oil tycoon – Must give back all fortunes to the West by buying European cars and Hollywood movies

Protestant:

• Televangelist – Must wrongly predict Armageddon at least once every 5 years

• Hate-monger – Hatred of Jews, Blacks, and Irish required. Love of Andrew Jackson preferred

• President – Must be white and Anglo-Saxon