The Life and Times of Jesus

God:

Son! Its time to get up! You've got People to save

Jesus:

Just 5 more minutes, Dad

God:

No, Jesus, now!

Jesus:

Fine, I'm goin', I'm goin'. So which people do I have to save?

God:

Oh, you know...all of them

Jesus:

What?! How am I supposed to save all of them...and why on Christmas?!

God:

Stop complaining. I swear, you kids today...I had to go down to earth as a fiery bush. You think I wanted to do that? No, of course not, you know how easily I sweat. But I did it. These kids [mumbles off]

Jesus:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine, I'll get dressed.

A little bit after the birth of mortal Jesus

Jesus:

Okay, Dad, you owe me. I'm down here and I just had to put up with the worst drummer in the world for about 3 hours straight. Ba-rum-bum-bum, over and over again. You'd think he could do another song, but does he? No, just ba-rum-bum-bum.

Years later, Jesus has grown up and is at a party (where the DJ plays something other than ba-rum-bum-bum as a beat)

Mary Magdalene:

C'mon, JC, let's get out on the dance floor!

Jesus:

No, Mary...I've got a very important role here. I serve the water. Now beat it, I've got a line of customers who's thirsts need quenching.

Mary Magdalene:

Fine! You're such a wallflower, JC!

[James cuts in front of Peter]

James:

Hey, man. Move it!

Peter:

I did move it. Right in front of you. Got a problem with that?

James:

Oh yeah? Well now I'm moving in front of you! [Pulls Peter behind him by shirt]

Peter:

HEY! [Shoving match ensues, during which the water gets knocked over]

Bystander:

There goes Jesus and his gang of hoodlums again

Jesus:

Oh, c'mon you guys! Look at what you did! Now how are people going to get a drink? [Fight stops]

James:

Aw cool out, JC. No one wanted your stupid water anyway. Everyones leaving for the Roman party. They have booze. Speaking of, I'm out of here. C'mon Petey!

Jesus:

You're not going anywhere. The Romans want to compete with the Chosen One's Chosen Party, huh? We'll see about that! [Snaps fingers and water turns to wine, DJ appears and a large lit menorah descends from the ceiling]

James:

Uh-oh! Now you've got the party started. Woot woot!

Peter:

[Runs out door] Hey, Judas, c'mon back, Jesus did some snappy thing with his fingers and now we've got a real party goin' on.

Jesus and the apostles finally leave the party at 1:30am.

Judas:

I'm hungry! Lets go get something to eat

Peter:

Yeah, except its 1:30 in the morning. Where are we going to go, you idiot? Think with your head, Judas

Judas:

I don't know where we can go, I'm just saying we should go somewhere

Peter:

And, again, I point out to you that even King Danny's is closed right now

James:

Its fine, its fine. We'll go on my boat and fish for some food.

Peter:

See, Judas, this is who you want to be like

Jesus:

Peter, shut up. Lets go get some fish [Jesus and apostles go to James' boat and head out to sea] Hey, Peter, come check this out! I think I got one [Peter walks over to Jesus]

Peter:

Really?!

Jesus:

No [Splashes Peter with water then runs on the boat to get away]

Peter:

Oh, you're gonna get it [Laughing, splashes water in Jesus' direction. Jesus runs around, but slips on some water and stumbles off of the boat into water]

Apostles:

Oh, crap!

Judas:

I knew we shouldn't be horse playing on the boat

Peter:

Shut up, Judas!

Jesus:

[Walks back on the boat, completely dry] Its fine, I'm fine. Take it easy...stupid devil water.

Judas:

B-but how did you...?

Jesus:

What? Did you guys think all I could do was get people plastered?

James:

Well, while you were out there, did you grab some fish for us to eat?

Apostles:

James!

Jesus:

No, James, while I was performing my miracle and trying to impress you guys by walking on water I guess I forgot to grab you some fish. Sorry

James:

I was just asking...Jesus!

Jesus:

Yeah?

James:

What? Oh, nothing...

Time passes and eventually Jesus gains in followers. He apparently has some message that hes now attached to his miracles. Now if he only played basketball he'd be a triple threat. This makes the Romans nervous, and eventually Jesus gets word of their plan to stop him.

Jesus:

So this is your big plan? Send your only begotten son out to get killed by these...these sinners?

God:

By you sacrificing yourself their sins will be atoned for

Jesus:

Why? You know they'll go right back to sinning. I mean, seriously, one of my own apostles ratted me out

God:

Well, yeah, he did. But he felt really bad about it

Jesus:

Oh yeah? Wow...that must be brutal. Does he want to join me?

God:

No, he's busy hanging around some olive tree

Jesus:

Psh...figures. I should have let Peter beat him up

God:

No, literally, hes hanging. He killed himself

Jesus:

Oh...y'know you could've told me that a little earlier. Now I feel like a jerk.

God:

Well...it was a jerky thing to say

Jesus:

Oh, is this how you want to send me off? Feeling like a jerk? Thanks, Dad!

Crucifixion goes ahead...even I'm not going to tackle that and make it funny...yet. Jesus is now in heaven with God 2000 years later

Jesus:

Dang it, everywhere I turn I see a cross

God:

Its a sign of the people's love for you.

Jesus:

Oh yeah. Because I really want to see a flipping cross. I mean, it brings back so many good memories for me. You know what? Eff 'em. You need he;p throwing down those dinosaur bones, Dad?*

*RIP Bill Hicks

Apollo and Yahweh BFF's part deux: The Break-up

Apollo,

I see you destroyed my one temple that people could visit. Not only that, but now I can't let them rebuild it until they conquer everything from Babylon to the Sinai. This is going to take forever to rebuild! I want my temple back! You Romans screwed me over, again. I'm proclaiming that one day you will worship my non-existent son and, most importantly, me. This isn't war, but just know I could defeat you if that did happen.

I suggest we settle my current anger, however, with a game of skee-ball. Winner take all. Plus, if I win I get your tickets. Oh, and when I get the Chinese finger trap, you won't get to use it with me. So, there! Yeah, what now sucka?!

The skee-ball master,

Yahweh

81 CE

Yahweh,

Not only do I accept your skee-ball challenge, but I guarantee a win for the Romans. You'll be as pathetic at skee-ball as your people are at spending money frivolously! The game is on, and victory shall be mine!

Peace up,

A-Town down

The concluding part of this important series of letters will be posted within two weeks time (we must translate the ancient aramaic and latin, which takes a lot of time)

Apollo and Yahweh: BFFs

Apollo,

So, how are things over in your neck of the woods? I've been pretty busy. You see, I've got to lead an entire group of complainers out of an oppressive land. It's not the easiest thing to do when your people get gas from every imaginable food. I'm not sure why I made my people with such poor gastro-intestinal fortitude.

So, I heard through the god pipeline that you buried some of your people in volcanic ash. Very nifty. I hadn't quite thought of that one. I tried the water thing for the entire population. Talk about a mess. You can't even tell where my handy-work was on that one. Bodies decomposed quickly and the water simply evaporated and/or got absorbed back into the ground. Now my people don't even fear me. I bet your people aren't like that. They probably follow your rules. Mine barely remember Synagogue on Saturday, let alone keeping kosher. Your people walk around, see a bunch of people buried in ash and go; “Yeah, we better not f#$% with Apollo”.

Of course, what are they going to do, not have random sex in bath houses? Maybe that's why my people are a minority no matter where they go, I'm too strict. Maybe I should loosen up a little bit. Of course, Machiavelli will get it right one day, it's good to be feared and loved, but if all else fails, it's better to be feared.

Well, my old friend, it's time for me to go, I feel bloated. I look forward to your response, we've built up quite the rapport these last few centuries.

All the best,

Yahweh

79 CE

Yahweh,

We have built up quite the rapport. But don't get too touchy-feely, I'm not Zeus (I'm the god of the flaming sun, but I'm no flamer).

I'm not sure why you're people always get such bad gas. But, trust me, my people have noticed it. We go in to Judea to conquer your land and don't even get any resistance. Half of your people have upset stomachs and don't want to move, and the other half have a debilitating phobia of knives. Maybe in the future you can get them into some sort of specialist with matters of the mind.

My people do know not to mess with me. I make things happen. I'm not an armchair-God like you. I take charge. Free will is just a crazy myth to my people. They know the world is determined by two things: the gods and the army. Oh, and the emperor has some say too, but only until the army ousts him in a bloody coup.

You should really look into less repressive rules. I let my people indulge in all of the reckless behavior they desire. All I ask is they go to my temple. What's the worst that could happen, a minimal belief in the power of the gods that will lead to the downfall of paganism and the rise of monotheism? Highly unlikely.

I should let you know we've been having some problems with the Jews in some areas. We might have to destroy some things. No worries, though, we won't destroy much. I'll let you know how that goes in about two years or so.

I better get going now. Osiris wants to go play soccer. I hate playing with him though, he always throws sand in my eyes in order to score. Now that's a god who could use some commandments.

Regards,

'Pollo

79 CE

Part 2 from this enthralling seris next week!

No such thing as a kosher fruit snack...

So, I was watching the Food Network the other day and they have that "Unwrapped" show. If you don't know that's where they go behind the scenes of producing the foods you and I love. Anyways, before they cut to a commercial they showed a little fact thing (usually my favorite part of the show since, as you know, random facts are my favorite things in the world). Well, this random fact would bring my world crashing down. I read on there that gelatin is made with pig intestines. It went on to say that this also includes fruit snacks. Honestly, normally I wouldn't care, but now that I'm converting to Judaism this causes a problem. It turns out that my entire conversion process heretofore has been a sham. All because of my love for Minute Maid Fruit Snacks.

Now I find myself in quite the quandary. I love my fruit snacks. I almost love them more than God. So what am I to do? I mean, right now it's kind of okay, but once I convert I want to keep as kosher as possible. But can I break my addiction to fruit snacks? I'm not sure. I'm sure God has some quota that you can't go over for those things. But I'd hate to take the risk and get to heaven and find out I could've been way closer in the presence of God but I just had to eat 36,574 packages of fruit snacks when the maximum was 36,573.

You know, you christians have it easy. You get to eat whatever you want and not be filled with guilt for almost every one of your actions. So far I've had to switch hot dog brands, cut out everything to drink except for water and a very certain apple juice (which is fine, since I was already doing that...but still) and I've had to do as little on saturdays as possible. Oh, and let's not forget my conversion process is way more complex than any Christian conversion. I mean, I have to sit in front of a court for crying out loud. Lest we also forget I also am going to be learning a whole other language, one that has a completely different form of writing and very weird uses for the phlegm you and I usually waste. No wonder the Jewish population is only .02% of the world's population. Converting to this religion kind of blows.

Oh, and let's not forget how you LDS people have it easy. Your "promised land" is like, 1000 miles away. Mine is halfway around the world. Plus, if you want to go to a central temple you're more than welcome to go. Me? I get to go to a wall. Titus was a freaking jerk.

The good news: I think once I convert I'm going to have a B'nai Mitzvah. It's an adult bar mitzvah for people who've converted. I think I might get some major dough in that. If I do have a B'nai Mitzvah, you're invited to come and bring an envelope full of money for me to have and waste on things.

Oh, I'm done.

Garrett reads the Torah: Genesis

I've decided to spare people the arduous task of reading the Torah, and eventually from reading the entire Tanakh. Here is a summary of Genesis:

God gets bored. God creates Earth as his own little ant farm, complete with miniature trees and cool burrows for his ants (Man). He creates all life in 6 days, gets tired, and keeps everybody up with his snoring.

Adam gets lonely and needs a little action. He gives up a rib to God so God can create Eve. Apparently God forgot to keep a carbon-copy of Man with him and needed a little DNA from Adam. God threatens death upon Adam and Eve if they eat from the knowledge tree. Apparently death didn't really bug Eve, since she talked with the serpent and ate from the freaking tree. What a n00b. God, always the softy, kicks Adam and Eve out of Eden, a utopia, for eating from the tree. Apparently the concept of lying to God to cover your butt wasn't around back then, because apparently God didn't know they ate from the tree until, on God's afternoon stroll through Eden, he came across Adam and Eve covered up and asked them why they had done so. Adam answered truthfully. They got kicked out. Pwned.

Cain, one of Adam's sons, gets jealous of his brother, Able, and kills him. He gets kicked out. How the human population survived is a mystery that has yet to be solved. They did have more kids, but how future generations didn't come out with hemophilia and extra limbs is a mystery.

People get a little unruly. God finds Noah, a righteous man, and tells him to build an ark and put two of everything on it. How he fit two of every animal into 300 cubits is another bible mystery. Apparently God's never been one for logical architecture. Noah doesn't even try to save human-kind, but just goes along and builds his ark. A flood comes and wipes everyone out. Noah sends a bird out, shoots him with a bb gun and if he hears a splash he knows it's not time to step out of the ark yet. Eventually a dove takes an olive branch, which gives Noah the opportunity for a direct head-shot. No splash, so everyone steps out of the ark.

After a prolonged genealogy explanation we find out that Man wants to build a tower into heaven. God likes his personal space, so he demolishes the tower with his transformer-like wrecking ball finger and separates people with nations and different languages.

Abraham is born. After some time of being just Abram, God promises to watch over Abraham and his people provided he gets circumcised. Abram doesn't quite get the easy life he might expect after such an event, but he does get a cooler name, Abraham.

God goes on a power trip and prepares to destroy two cities, Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham, unlike his predecessors, grows a spine when faced with large death tolls of his people. He argues with God, trying to get him to spare the city if there are 50 righteous, then 40, all the way down to 10. Didn't work out in the end, Lot and his family were it for the righteous. Goodbye Sodom and Gomorrah hello condos!

Now God says that Abraham must sacrifice his only son, Isaac, to prove his faithfulness. First, Isaac is an idiot, his dad said they were making a goat offering yet had no goat. You didn't recognize something was awry here, Isaac? After Abraham nearly throws his son onto the fire, God stops him and gives Abraham a goat instead. God gets a thank you from Abraham (for whatever reason), and Isaac gets a shopping spree at Toys R Us from Abraham provided Isaac never tells his mom what happened.

Isaac grows up, gets a hottie wife named Rebekah. She gives Isaac twins, but not before the Lord throws a wrench into the whole birthright deal and says the elder shall serve the younger. After a long hunting expedition, the eldest sells Jacob his birthright in order to stay alive. This says all kinds of things about Jacob, whom almost let his brother die in order to get some cattle from his dad Isaac. Jacob also gets his brother's blessing from his dying father. Jacob knows Isaac is pretty upset, so smartly he runs away.

Jacob has a dream at Beersheba and is promised land from God. Palestinians still have yet to receive this memo.

When Jacob sees Rachel, a hottie living in his new area, he offers to work for 7 years for her father in order to receive Rachel's hand in marriage. The guy, knowing Jacob is a border-hopping illegal immigrant, takes the offer but instead offers his eldest daughter instead. Jacob says he wants Rachel, then works for 7 more years in order to receive her hand in marriage. The sisters then fight for the most babies in the world, enlisting the services of their handmaids as the feud progresses. Jacob gets fed up and wants to leave, with payment for another 7 years of his work. He wants spotted and striped goats, but in a move of cunning Laban, for whom Jacob had been working, takes all of them. Jacob eventually cross-breeds better than a 16th century monk and gets the strongest goats as spotted and striped.

Jacob gets into a fight with an angel, and after being stabbed with the angel's switch blade, still wins. Jacob is re-named Israel, but the Torah continues to call him Jacob for quite some time. The angel goes back to pump some iron after losing to a mortal. The angel is also now known as Girly McAngel, and all the angels make fun of him.

Jacob goes to meet his brother, Esau, after being away for 20 years. Jacob gets word Esau is coming and splits up his wealth and family. He goes to meet Esau, ready to give him a gift and Esau hugs Jacob and refuses to take the gift. Jacob, always the pushier brother, makes Esau take the gift and join him in his quest to take over the world.

While this next part isn't super important, it's pretty cool. Dinah, one of Jacob's daughters gets raped by the prince of the Hivities, Shechem. Jacob agrees to make peace, provided they join Israel and all the men become circumcised. On the 3rd day of the male's recovery, the brothers of Dinah go into the city and slay all the men. No chosen people of God will be harlots. Jewish families represent!

Joseph, Rachel's eldest son, has a dream that all of his brothers and even his father will one day bow to him. The brothers take him for an idiot, since he's about 4th or 5th on the pecking order. The brothers conspire to kill Joseph, but decide they'd instead like to make some money, so they do the nobler deed and sell him into slavery.

Joseph, now a slave for Pharoah's officer, Potiphar, refuses to sleep with Potiphar's wife. Joseph was never really into powerful women anyways. The wife fakes an attack by Joseph after Joseph runs away like a girl and leaves his ripped clothes in Potiphar's wife's hands. Joseph is thrown into jail, but turns into the jailhouse snitch or something, since he gets a lot of power from the guards. He interprets some dreams for Pharoah's servants, now in jail, and when one gets out he tells Pharoah, after many years and once Pharoah has some crazy dreams, that this Hebrew guy he knows can help him out. Joseph predicts a famine in Egypt after 7 bountiful years and is made governor of Egypt, second only to Pharoah.

Joseph's brothers and father hear that Egypt has some food stored up because Egypt understands the concept of savings accounts. All but one brother, the youngest and Joseph's only fully blood-related brother, go down to Egypt to ask Joseph for food (not knowing that Joseph is Joseph). Joseph keeps them in the dark, takes one brother hostage so he can see his youngest brother, and puts them through some tests of morality. After he freaks his brothers out that he's going to kill his younger brother Benjamin, Joseph can keep a straight face no longer and yells, "Ahaha, you've been X-Punk'd!" They feast and are invited to stay in Egypt.

Jacob prepares for death and gives his sons, later known as the 12 tribes of Israel, some land. Of course no one is happy, and later in the Torah an arbitrator is called in to settle the dispute. It took a while, but most of it got worked out.

Joseph dies. No big story there, he just sort of keels over.

The real reasons behind my conversion

I've decided to write a blog that can hopefully more fully explain why I'm possibly converting to Judaism. This is a pretty big step in my life, so I'm taking it with the utmost seriousness.

First, I want to have a reason for why I think God hates me sometimes. As a Jew, I would be able to say it's not actual hate, it's that I'm one of God's chosen people. God gives the one he loves the hardest time out of the group. It's sort of like when you got those strange looks from your cousin (you know, the one from Arkansas). You knew, deep down, it wasn't that your cousin just wanted to have a good ol' southern time with his cousin; you knew you were his favorite cousin. It's definitely like that, except God wouldn't be from Arkansas...I think He's definitely from a more respected southern state, like the Florida panhandle.

Also, I'm thinking of converting because now, if I learn Hebrew, I can finally impress the ladies with a romantic language. Nothing says “Come hither” like hocking up a loogie when you say Chello. Plus, if I learn Hebrew, think of all the good use I could put it to; all the businessmen speak it. Not only that, but so many countries have it as their national language. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to a foreign country, or even a place within our own country and said to myself, “Man! If only I knew Hebrew, life would be so much easier!” I can't wait to interact with all these millions, maybe even billions, of people around the world.

Now, no conversion would be complete without stating the most obvious reason for conversion: the women. Just think, I can have my own Jewish woman. Someone to nag at me, to overly protect our child, and look hot while doing it. Yes, I'll have my own perfect woman, all because I converted to Judaism. If that's not incentive enough to convert to a religion I don't know what is.

So there you have it, my 3 main reasons for possibly converting to Judaism. I feel they're probably the most well thought out reasons for converting to any religion. I know you undoubtedly feel the same, which is why I feel comfortable sharing this with you.

Your career guide

I know there are many graduates and people in limbo about what careers they should have. In an effort to ease some fears, I have made a career guide for you based on your religion.

Catholic:

• Blue collar worker – Only applicable in the midwestern states of America

• Child molester – Years of seminary training and own parish required

• Child-bearer – For title you must have 4 kids or more

• Irish resistance fighter – Red hair and personal beer mug required

• Professional alcoholic – Irish preferred

• Crusader – Hatred of Islam required

Jew:

• Accountant

• Banker – Interest for gentiles only

• Doctor – Only available in California, Florida and New York

Mormon:

• Permanent missionary – Love of half-hearted letters and ability to indiscriminately spread religion to random people required

• Author of your own published journal – You could be the next Anne Frank, minus the oppression

• Genealogist – Six Degrees of Brigham Young

• Professional baby popper-outer

Muslim:

• Religious extremist – Ability to burn flags required

• Professional suicide bomber – One time only

• Oil tycoon – Must give back all fortunes to the West by buying European cars and Hollywood movies

Protestant:

• Televangelist – Must wrongly predict Armageddon at least once every 5 years

• Hate-monger – Hatred of Jews, Blacks, and Irish required. Love of Andrew Jackson preferred

• President – Must be white and Anglo-Saxon