No such thing as a kosher fruit snack...

So, I was watching the Food Network the other day and they have that "Unwrapped" show. If you don't know that's where they go behind the scenes of producing the foods you and I love. Anyways, before they cut to a commercial they showed a little fact thing (usually my favorite part of the show since, as you know, random facts are my favorite things in the world). Well, this random fact would bring my world crashing down. I read on there that gelatin is made with pig intestines. It went on to say that this also includes fruit snacks. Honestly, normally I wouldn't care, but now that I'm converting to Judaism this causes a problem. It turns out that my entire conversion process heretofore has been a sham. All because of my love for Minute Maid Fruit Snacks.

Now I find myself in quite the quandary. I love my fruit snacks. I almost love them more than God. So what am I to do? I mean, right now it's kind of okay, but once I convert I want to keep as kosher as possible. But can I break my addiction to fruit snacks? I'm not sure. I'm sure God has some quota that you can't go over for those things. But I'd hate to take the risk and get to heaven and find out I could've been way closer in the presence of God but I just had to eat 36,574 packages of fruit snacks when the maximum was 36,573.

You know, you christians have it easy. You get to eat whatever you want and not be filled with guilt for almost every one of your actions. So far I've had to switch hot dog brands, cut out everything to drink except for water and a very certain apple juice (which is fine, since I was already doing that...but still) and I've had to do as little on saturdays as possible. Oh, and let's not forget my conversion process is way more complex than any Christian conversion. I mean, I have to sit in front of a court for crying out loud. Lest we also forget I also am going to be learning a whole other language, one that has a completely different form of writing and very weird uses for the phlegm you and I usually waste. No wonder the Jewish population is only .02% of the world's population. Converting to this religion kind of blows.

Oh, and let's not forget how you LDS people have it easy. Your "promised land" is like, 1000 miles away. Mine is halfway around the world. Plus, if you want to go to a central temple you're more than welcome to go. Me? I get to go to a wall. Titus was a freaking jerk.

The good news: I think once I convert I'm going to have a B'nai Mitzvah. It's an adult bar mitzvah for people who've converted. I think I might get some major dough in that. If I do have a B'nai Mitzvah, you're invited to come and bring an envelope full of money for me to have and waste on things.

Oh, I'm done.

Stupid Mormons

So, I like how half of my friends are Mormon and I'll never see them again. Two have left for Utah, and I'll probably see them again, but who knows how weird that's going to be? Don't get me wrong, I'm still going, but they might be all...you know...Mormon-y then. lol.

The other half are going to leave on missions in a year or so. It's like Mormons have a destiny, and that destiny is to only be with other Mormons. Well, unless they go on missions to do...missionary stuff (I honestly don't know what missionaries go to do, though I think I know...something to do with the "c" word).

I also like how when I go to PSU I'm going to be surrounded by high school kids to the nth degree. Parties like never before, drugs like never before (especially at PSU). I mean, I'm not preachy or anything, but when most people only study or party, it's hard to really hang out with anyone (since I hate doing both of those things). I'll have to put out my LDS-dar or something to find new friends.

I would say I could hang out with Jewish kids. But, that doesn't seem plausible since most of them are Jewish in ethnicity only. On top of that, I checked the Hillel website...only 250 Jews on the entire 15000 student campus. B S.

Then again, I'm sure I won't have problems making friends, but what kinds of friends? My look brings the stoners and such, but my personality brings forth the nerds and goody-goodies. What's a complex man like me to do? Well, I'm sure I'll do fine, after all, I'm Garrett-freakin'-Estenson. Word, son.

Nike's new ad slogan: Be like Garrett

I've heard over and over again that I lead a boring life. Let me get this clear: my life is not boring. My life is just copacetic as it is, thank you very much. Through apathy, a bit of sarcasm, lethargy and blasphemy I've led a wonderful life. You can do it too, if you follow some of my daily routines.

The first thing I do when I get up is go back to sleep. Nothing says rebel like not waking up when you want to. Fight the power, even when you're the only power. Show yourself who's boss: the alter-you.

By the time you get up it'll usually be noon or later, so its time for a hearty noontime breakfast. Chicken tenders and french fries should do the trick. Some will say that you have enough time to do something else between this time, like wash clothes or clean the kitchen. These people are liars. The only thing you can accomplish between the time you put in your food and take it out is watching baseball or whatever is on espn and/or the History Channel. Once your food is finished, you should go and watch whatever you were watching while you drink some nicely bottled tap water.

It's now 2pm and time to take a shower. Take a rest, there's always 3pm.

At 3pm you realize you don't really plan on going anywhere, so you just figure a shower can wait until you can't stand yourself. During this entire time you've been learning and watching TV, something some generations can't comprehend. To those people I let them know our generation has cable, and with it we have C-Span and the History Channel. Life is good, and you can now learn innumerable amounts of useless information.

Now it's time to go on the internet and pirate some copyrighted materials. For this you use sophisticated websites and programs in an effort to get your favorite anti-establishment music (nothing says "Fight the power!" like Justin Timberlake). You should probably take a break after searching the entire world for music and movies, so take a nap, or read (which will lead to taking a nap).

After you get up or get done reading, you should write something. Nothing serious though, this isn't Schindler's List. Keep it light-hearted, remember that the key to living my life is that nothing is above a good (or bad) joke. Some will call you a sarcastic a**hole for what you say or write, those people are stupid and have no sense of humor. They'll die a horrible death and when they see God he will laugh in their face and pull a lever to Hell because they didn't laugh at your funny, though off-color, joke.

After you finish writing you should make dinner and watch some more TV. Nothing good will be on at 7, though I'm sure there's a re-run of something that you can try to memorize.

Throughout your day you should try, unsuccessfully, to talk or hang out with your friends. If you're able to get a hold of them, take mental notes on things you can joke about later or write down in your quote book. And by take mental notes I mean make fun of them for whatever stupid thing they say and then go home and write them down. Then wonder why people don't like hanging out with you, this will be a more difficult question for you to answer than the question about the meaning of life (for which you're pretty sure you have the answer).

During the last bit of your day you should study comedians. This is important; comedians are the modern day Moses' and Abrahams (i.e. prophets). Most of them have the key to your success if you really listen to them. (Warning: Only about 1/3 of the comedians are worth your time. Have fun figuring out which ones are worth it, hopefully you know how to use Wikipedia).

While you go to sleep you'll have the few serious thoughts of your day. After 14 hours of being up (you need all your beauty rest) your mind starts playing tricks on you, making you think about serious topics. Deal with it, because if you don't you might spend extra hours being awake, which in your life is never a good thing (sleeping-liness is next to Godliness, as the saying I just made up goes).

There you have it. Your own personal guide to being me. Get out there and try to be cool!

PS - In case you do get bored there is always aimless walking at night, listening to music in your parent's car, or looking at your awesome myspace page marvelling at how cool you are.

The real reasons behind my conversion

I've decided to write a blog that can hopefully more fully explain why I'm possibly converting to Judaism. This is a pretty big step in my life, so I'm taking it with the utmost seriousness.

First, I want to have a reason for why I think God hates me sometimes. As a Jew, I would be able to say it's not actual hate, it's that I'm one of God's chosen people. God gives the one he loves the hardest time out of the group. It's sort of like when you got those strange looks from your cousin (you know, the one from Arkansas). You knew, deep down, it wasn't that your cousin just wanted to have a good ol' southern time with his cousin; you knew you were his favorite cousin. It's definitely like that, except God wouldn't be from Arkansas...I think He's definitely from a more respected southern state, like the Florida panhandle.

Also, I'm thinking of converting because now, if I learn Hebrew, I can finally impress the ladies with a romantic language. Nothing says “Come hither” like hocking up a loogie when you say Chello. Plus, if I learn Hebrew, think of all the good use I could put it to; all the businessmen speak it. Not only that, but so many countries have it as their national language. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to a foreign country, or even a place within our own country and said to myself, “Man! If only I knew Hebrew, life would be so much easier!” I can't wait to interact with all these millions, maybe even billions, of people around the world.

Now, no conversion would be complete without stating the most obvious reason for conversion: the women. Just think, I can have my own Jewish woman. Someone to nag at me, to overly protect our child, and look hot while doing it. Yes, I'll have my own perfect woman, all because I converted to Judaism. If that's not incentive enough to convert to a religion I don't know what is.

So there you have it, my 3 main reasons for possibly converting to Judaism. I feel they're probably the most well thought out reasons for converting to any religion. I know you undoubtedly feel the same, which is why I feel comfortable sharing this with you.